Being a Boy in a Girl's Body

I think I always knew that I was a boy, I just didn't realize what I was feeling until about 11th grade. When I was little, I had an imaginary world in my head, and I think I still do. In that world, I was a boy. I thought everyone had thoughts of being the opposite gender, but as I grew older, I started to question myself.

I grew up in a small town in Kentucky, where there wasn't much to do besides go to the park or the local coffee shop. I was raised in a Pentecostal household, where "transgender" or even just being gay would "damn you to Hell." At first, I believed in God and went to church, but as I grew older, my perception of the world changed. No one in the church would really talk to me, like I was an outsider, even though we grew up in that church together.

I began to question my religious beliefs when my parents got divorced, and I asked God: "I believe and pray, so why didn't you fix their marriage?" It led me to think that he didn't listen and he didn't care. I felt like an outsider and no one in the church has talked to me since I stopped going. Aren't they supposed to care about me? Aren't they supposed to check on someone who hasn't been there in a while? They made me feel like I never existed.

When I was 14, I got my first boyfriend. He was a great friend, but he only wanted one thing as a boyfriend. He would shove his hands down my pants and always wanted more. Now, I can't stand to look in the mirror because I think, "Is that all I'm worth?"

I met my best friend in 10th grade, and I fell in love. It ended up blowing up in my face when she chose someone else over me. I was there for her for three years, and she chose a boy over me. A boy that didn't have to change to be a boy.

In 11th grade, my friends helped me realize that I hated myself because I wanted to be a boy, and I came out as transgender. It felt right to say it. I figured out that I hated what I saw in the mirror because it wasn't me.

My religious mom kicked me out when I told her (we've patched things up a little since then). I've had to move a few times since then, but I'm moved back in with her until I complete community college and head to a university.

I'm still pre-T (Testosterone), but I do wear binders and dress like a boy. I look in the mirror and I want to rip these things off my chest, like they control how people see me.

Maybe it's because of my ex that I wanted to be a boy. I didn't ever want to be taken advantage of again and I wanted to mean more to someone than a walking sex toy. I want to be someone's one and only, that they'd fight for me. I want to be loved as myself, not as the body I was born in.