Loneliness, something we have all gone through at some stage, right? But with most people, it tends to pass after a period. Sadly it has remained consistent throughout my life. But there's no point beating around the bush, I'm lonely. There, I said it! I'm a lonely person. Over the years, I've wanted find ways to say it without saying it, but I guess it's easier to be direct.
I'm 29-years-old and there's three people I can realistically call a 'friend', one lives in Scotland and we speak online exclusively, and the other two live in the same city, but due to circumstances and the vague 'life getting the way' excuse most people in their mid 20s/early 30s tend to use, we only see each other two or three times a year and realistically we're not that close. Don't get me wrong, they're decent people, but there's not much to talk about in terms of mutual interests, we don't all like sports, watch the same shows, listen to the same music etc. We mainly reminiscence about the old times and talk about how work is going, do you still speak to "X," stuff like that. I want something stronger, and I feel that has passed me by.
I have always been the 'outsider', the 'loner', the one on the 'fringes', I've never part of a scene, gone traveling, gone on silly adventures, done the stuff most people my age have done, and to be honest, it makes me feel less exciting, less appealing to people, inferior almost! and it's led to me feeling rejected and feeling like not I'm part of society, like I'm not worthy of people. I read about other people's adventures, see their social media pages, the kind of people they're acquainted with, the job they have and it's hard not to feel a tingle of jealously when I do. I know social media in particular exaggerates these things and hides a lot of the negative realities, but logic tends to go out of the window then! I feel this need to catch up, to be at their 'level'. Whilst I do enjoy my alone time, it's something I'd rather have as a choice, opposed to something that is thrust upon me with little other option.
When I first imagined writing this article, I thought about writing about several negative experiences I've had with people who claimed to be 'friends' as well as my own negative behaviour at times, but it would have been enough to write a book. And to look at it introspectively, the reason I'm in this position is down to a combination of meeting the wrong people, not always coming across so well, and perhaps even more so now, circumstances. Of course, it doesn't help that I'm naturally introverted, quite guarded and somewhat shy, there isn't a day that goes by when I don't wish I was an extrovert, it might have made my life easier.
I'm not looking for sympathy or pity, I just want a connection that is sincere, authentic and above all else, fun! Whilst I have not given on making friends and having close bonds in my life, I'm somewhat resigned to this being the case at this stage of my life. I know there are opportunities to still meet people, hobby clubs etc, I just do not think I can handle another rejection or get my hopes up only to have them dashed again. I know I should be mature and able to handle it by now, but it never gets easier with age, not even slightly.