Bethnal Green Dream​

Sat drinking wine in Hyde Park, watching you sticking a bit of grass between your two front teeth and I laughed, Frank Ocean on repeat.

I guess I just loved the thought of you, the you I loved at the start not the real you, the being you truly were and that's okay because the person you were at the start was a guy I’d have loved forever if he had stayed and didn’t vanish once he gained my trust.

Frank Ocean on repeat, looking at a nice flat in Bethnal Green.

Hey baby, I had a good time and I may have daddy issues and maybe I can be impulsive but hunny, I just loved you.

You loved the reddest of wines and the dirtiest of ciders and the wildest of dreams but you hated realities of life and the world.

You were the worst reality, the person you truly were was the darkest of realities, craving a being who never truly existed, contemplating a person's true capabilities.

This charming man was a song I was fond of and I enjoyed dancing with you, though you were not so charming. How about drinking all the wines, hey even the dirtiest of ciders were beautiful if I was drinking with you.

Sometimes I drink dirty ciders and I am reminded of how dirty they are and it resonates with me, nevertheless if the dirtiest of ciders or the reddest of wines is what it takes to taste you and make me think of the you I was so in love with, then, baby, I’m in love with dirty ciders and red, red wines.

That flat in Bethnal Green was beautiful because all I thought of was you in it and maybe an Austin one day, there should have been us and our Austin, but that’s okay.

I couldn’t be in London in a flat without you, hunny, it wouldn’t feel right.

Though I know a flat with you and I would have been a flat full of anger, jealousy and lustful desire, I still wanted it and that kind of love consumed with so much hate and fighting for it still scares me.

I couldn’t ever trust you but fuck it I did love you.

I may get tears in my eyes when I listen to Frank, and sometimes even cry but I take it each day as it comes.

Norts and crosses with you, and a beautiful home, also known as my shed, late night trips to the park and making love in all the places. Chips and curry sauce on the way home and candles lit resembling the fire in my heart.

The Tesco aisles with you were always the best.

Funny how someone can make you laugh so much but cry so hard.

Those happy times turned to the worst. Before walking with you and sitting and drinking for hours with love in my heart and a smile on my face turned into an hour in sadness with grief and tears streaming down my face and ‘why is he doing this’ being repeated over and over within my head.

Sanity questioned every single day, but it was not me who was living in a distorted reality. Not me who was delusional hunny, I hope you find sanity.

I hope you live in a beautiful flat in London somewhere someday baby but it won’t be with me.

Bethnal Green dreams and distorted realities...