Better to Have Lived Than to Have Done Nothing

I never thought something like this could happen to me. I'm a confident person, someone who does not fear death. I've been through hell and back; therefore what could be worse in life than that? Until I met her, that is.

You see the human creature is a social one. It's funny to notice in the traditional Christian belief that as soon as Adam was created, God saw it was not good for Adam to be alone and behold the source of our most precious joys was born and also of our greatest sorrows.

So naturally, I see that all humans need each other in some way or another. If you think about it, there's almost not a day in your life where you don't come in contact with another being. Anyhow, back to the story...

I met this beautiful woman. She had the most prettiest stare I've gazed upon. Sweet voice, soft lips, curly locks, and a body to admire. I went in like I normally would, always looking at her eyes whenever she talked, always a gentleman, making her laugh, making her trust me and eventually open up to her.

It all seemed perfect. She would easily let me kiss her, caress her, and even make love to her. From your perspective, you could imagine her as my girlfriend but to be honest we never talked about it; it was one of those relationships you don't plan and you just let the moment take you.

I was falling for her and badly, but soon enough the clear skies of my life were turning into darkness. Every time I saw her, I could feel a part of her was drifting away. Occasionally, we would have those silences where nobody spoke. It was not awkward. It was like she was preparing to say goodbye.

I feel like everybody is addicted to something, some to life, some to drugs, some to work, and me to people. I guess in my little mind, I didn't imagine a world without her. I'm not 16. When I was that age I had feelings when me or another person would just let go, but this time it felt like the real deal, if you know what I mean. Maybe because it was too perfect, no arguments, no fights, no chasing up, no jealousy, just sweet untainted moments with her.

The thing that broke me was when she said to me, "I'm heartless. Promise me you won't catch any feelings." My very being was shaken to the core. In my lifetime, I've had my fair share of unattached relationships, so why did I not see this coming from a mile away?

This brings me to the start, to the Adam reference, to the loneliness of life. It was unavoidable that I would fall for her. If you put a man and a woman in a room for too long, eventually something is going to happen. It was her company that I seeked, even though in my mind logic would reason, this won't last very long. Yes, you could say I was blinded by love.

Let's define love... Human love is imperfect. Where in this world can you find perfect love? Parents always fail their children in some way or another. Even if you've never cheated on your partner in your mind you have, right? So with my definition of love, I was prepared for her shortcomings but not expecting for someone to feel nothing. That hurt a lot. More than losing one year of my life when I dropped out of university, more than visiting my sister, mother, and friends in the hospital, more than losing loved ones and more painful than seeing your best friend die in your arms. How selfish and bold am I to say this!?

In the time I was with her, as they say "a part of me died." Many would feel regret in meeting someone like this, but I've never felt that way about her. Although, time has passed and with time comes the ability to let go and forget, hence me writing this. I see it differently. I see it as: I let her take that part of me with her, and I was glad.

When you feel something it is because you are alive, even if that feeling is pain for that heartless woman. Unconsciously, she lived for the time she was with me. Memories are what life is all about. What's the point in living 9 to 5 if you can remember none if it? It is like the feeling of being high on something and then when it stops, you feel the reality of life... that part is actually your end trip, not getting high. What a sweet comedown.

So you who may have a similar story, feel proud to have lived. Not many can savour these sour moments. It's not being masochist. It is something much more deeper. I see everyday people living their pointless life, seeking money and fame when the greatest pleasures you can obtain in life are from another human.

See it this way. You come to life full of yourself. A child is happy, innocent, full of life. As you get older, you start to give that life away... some to meaningless things like work and a career, (in the end the fruits of that someone else always enjoys; like your work, your wife and kids enjoy the money whilst you work for 40 years, or your boss eats away your life like the slave you are to the systems) and us, we spend it on humans. No matter which way it goes, some live to hurt, some live to love, some live to teach and some live to lead. That is the most important thing, to spend it on others, and in the end you can look back and say "yes, I have lived."