Blessed with a Breakup

We used to be friends. Best friends, actually. I met Jamie when I moved to his school for my further education. He was one of the first few people I had met and we instantly clicked. Something about him was very comforting and we became good friends. At the time I met him, I did not feel anything for him and he did not feel anything for me. He had a girlfriend and I had a lot of family problems that I took up my most of my thoughts.

We were really good friends for over three years. I think a part of me always knew that if Jamie was single, we could be together. I knew we would work. We would definitely work and it would be amazing but he had a girlfriend. He was not available and that was that. It wasn’t too long that he broke up with his girlfriend and we became best friends.

Jamie started working full time and I started university but we still managed to stay best friends. It wasn't long before we spoke in hypothetical situations about dating before he plucked up the courage to ask me out. We had a perfect first date. He came to pick me up with flowers. It felt weird in the beginning that my best friend was being a gentleman but it worked, I fell for him deeper and deeper because he really was a good guy.

Just like that, a whole year passed. We had the honeymoon phase of our relationship where we would go everywhere and just hang out. He would sometimes surprise me at University and we would have the best time with a good Chinese takeout and a good horror film. Soon after the honeymoon phase, I was busy with university and he was working full time. I thought regardless of this long distance relationship, we were doing very well.

But sadly, I was the only one who felt like that. Jamie started to get a little bit distant which at first I thought nothing of. I figured we were both busy and it was getting stressful at work. Long paragraphs turned to one-liners which morphed into one-word texts and then nothing.

I tried to understand what he was going through. He was the guy who ran away from his problems, ran away from confronting his issues. But this was getting out of hand. It was a push and pull of him not responding but then getting angry at my concern. Then he would try to fix it by surprising me at university, fighting, leaving, getting an apology text and the cycle would start again.

I wanted a real apology, one that comes with the actions like talking about his issues because, at this point, words that were coming from him were just words that meant nothing.

After six months of this toxic cycle, and a whole lot of tears, I had to end it. I don’t remember much of the breakup. I remember the sadness, the pain, the emptiness. Funnily enough, I remembered feeling like Lorelai Gilmore from Gilmore Girls. When Lorelai broke up with Luke, she explains it to Sookie like this:

“It was him not fighting for me… It’s like Luke is driving a car and I just want to be in the passenger seat. He’s locked the door and I have to hold on to the bumper… So, I am hanging on the bumper and life goes on and the car goes on and I get really badly bruised and I’m hitting potholes and it hurts. It really hurts. So, I had to let go of the bumper. Because it hurts too much.”

I remember relating to Lorelai Gilmore.

I also remember thinking it was my fault. I kept constantly blaming myself, I would always protect him to my friends. I felt like I had done something wrong — I should have made an effort and I was angry with myself.

There was a lot of sadness, crying, feeling lonely and the feeling of missing something or losing a big part of myself. The future looked very black. It didn’t help that he constantly messaged me wanting to meet up. It just brought back memories of breaking up with me and yet not wanting to get back together.

In that season of trying to heal, I clung on to this quote:

“Be with a man who doesn’t make you feel like relationships are hard; be with the man who will communicate and laugh with you.”

It took me a while to understand and accept the reasons as to why we broke up: he would not communicate. I would be the one always making conversation flow which always seemed like a mission. Towards the end, we weren’t best friends because he made more of an effort when we were friends than when we were in a relationship. He always feared to talk about his own feelings and I realised that you can’t really bond with someone when they are not open because it’s a two-way street.

So, I kept myself very busy because I didn’t want to sit my room and cry all the time. Being alone would counteract everything I did because that was when I gave space for my feelings to take over me emotionally and physically as I felt drained from my emotions rushing back.

I would read up on break up stories and how people dealt with it. I was desperate for a way out. The best advice I got from the time was that "time heals everything" but at the time I didn’t believe in it. This really reminded me of what I wanted in a relationship and reminded me that Jamie was not it. Reading poetry and other people’s stories really reminded me that I was not alone.

About six months after the breakup, I went on a holiday with my friends for the first time. I focused on myself and wanting to achieve my dreams like travelling and this was a starting point. I did more travelling with my family too. I would occasionally think about him but it wouldn’t be as intense and it wasn’t me blaming myself. I started to evaluate the relationship and realised that it wasn’t my fault. I started to think about the hard times and about the times I used to cry even when I was with him. It was nice seeing my phone and not see his name pop up and it was nice that I wasn’t expecting his name to pop up either. I started to realise that the break up was not my fault, we were just not meant to be.

Slowly, but surely, my mind didn’t wander to him and it went to my goals and I wanted from life, how to achieve it.

Today, over a year after the breakup, I realise that the break up was the best thing that happened to me. I am growing in confidence and I know that the failure of this relationship was not my fault at all. I am aware of how I want people to treat me and what I want for my future relationships. I know that in the future, communication is a big factor for me so if I am not getting that from someone, then I am just wasting my time.

Being alone with myself is now something I cherish. My thoughts about the future are more exciting and bright. I feel more complete without him. I don’t feel like I need someone to complete me. You don’t need anyone to complete you but compliment you.

Now, if I met another Jamie, alarm bells would ring: I would rethink the relationship if he had different views on relationships and how it should work. While reflecting on the relationship, I realised that he wasn’t someone who was excited about life as I was or ambitious or supportive of my goals as I was for him.

At the end of the day, regardless of what happened in our relationship, I can honestly say that I want him to be happy and get more out of his life than he wants.

If I met you and you are going out with a Jamie like I was, I would think deeply about what you want. Ten years into the future, can you see yourself be truly happy or are just settling? Life is too short to settle for someone. I can’t emphasise the importance of being happy, truly happy. Trust your gut and don’t ignore that feeling when you see your Jamie. Give yourself a clean break from him.

If you’ve broken up with someone and they are still trying to get back into your life to be your "friend", I would give you some big sister advice: Don’t let him get back into your life because you deserve more. There is no point trying after the break up cause he should have been working that hard when he was in the relationship with you. He does not get the privilege to know about your life events. You should respect the decision you’ve made and so cut him off.

It’s cliché to say this but, everything is going to be alright. Time really does heal everything, whether or not you believe it right now. The best feeling is to lose the attachment to the person who isn’t worth it. So keep fighting for yourself because you are important.