Breaking Up

It's over. It's really over. I mean, not technically, but we both know it is. We're holding on because we live together, and the lease is up in a few months. We haven't talked about breaking up; we just pretend everything is okay. He still gives me a kiss every morning before he leaves for work, but he cringes when he does it. He hasn't touched me in months. Internally, I am screaming. My limbs quiver with all of the emotional turmoil I'm holding inside, but I keep telling myself, "just a few more months."

I don't make enough money to live on my own, and my hometown is over 2,000 miles away from here. I have a life here now; I have for the past seven years. Do I give up seven years to start over again? I can't. Only as an absolute last resort. You know we have a dog together, too? She's a German Shepherd. She is my world. I would never in a million years let him take her, but do you know how hard it is to find a place to live, not only when you're broke, but when you have a dog (a dog that is on most Breed Restriction lists at that)?

I have felt stress in my life. I was a full time college student working a full time job. None of that compares to the emotional stress I'm going through now, though. It is so hard to put on a brave face every single day. Not only for work, but to keep the relationship going just long enough so that I have time to find a new place to live. I had a mental breakdown the other day. I've had suicidal thoughts before, but that was honestly the closest I have ever gotten to maybe going through with it. I was scared of myself, and what I might do. The only thing that stopped me was looking into my dog's eyes and seeing the fear she had. I could never leave her. I punched myself in the face, I choked myself, I cut my arms (something I've never done before), and I even put a plastic bag over my head. I prayed and prayed I could kill myself before I realized what I did/what I was doing, but I still have hope that things will get better. Sometimes I wish I could just get hit by a car so I could die without having to do it myself. I'm not sure I truly want to die, though. I just want all of this pain to go away!

Sure, I've had heartbreaks before. But those were high school heartbreaks. This is a "first love, I thought we were going to get married and have kids" kind of heartbreak. I invested four years into this man. I'm almost 30 now. Do you have any idea how pathetic it feels to be almost 30 and be nowhere close to starting a family? I'm sure some of you do. I've been told I'm lucky that we didn't get married or have kids because my situation would be a lot worse. You know, sometimes I don't want to hear how much worse it can be. I just want to vent and know that my feelings are still validated, even if it could be worse.

This whole knowing it's over, but we're still technically together bullshit is driving me to insanity. I've contemplated several times just creating a dating account to start meeting new people, but I'm still too loyal to this man. I can't cheat on him, even though he would not care even a little. How pathetic is that? Or maybe it's a good quality to have—knowing that I'm faithful no matter how bad it gets. I also think it wouldn't be fair to the other man to get involved with a woman that still technically has a boyfriend, AND still lives with him, AND still sleeps in the same bed as him. That's just a rotten situation to put another person in, and to expect them to accept. No, I'll just wait until it's officially over. In the meantime, I need to focus on loving myself again. Anyone who has gone through a breakup knows how little self-esteem you're left with after.

You know what's really shitty? At the end of the relationship, all you can remember is all of the good stuff. He literally treats me terribly every single day, but when I try to reflect on all of the bad, all I can remember is when things were actually really good. But I don't recognize that man anymore. When we're apart, I wish that we could work things out, but when we're together, I'm anxious to be freed. I know that I'm just comfortable at this point. I've lived with him for the last three years, so the thought of being on my own again can be terrifying. Most of the time, the thought is liberating. However, there is always that little devil on my shoulder telling me that I'm going to be alone forever, and that I should do everything in my power to hopefully salvage this relationship so that I don't have to confront such drastic change. Go away, Devil.

Sigh. I used to read, write, and draw all of the time. I was so creative. I lost that when we started dating, and when things started going bad. I lost a lot of passions to depression. That's one thing I need to work on getting back into. They say some of the best work comes from someone who is depressed, but I don't know how anyone gets anything done when they're depressed! I'm so exhausted from all of the emotions, that I just want to dull my brain with trash TV or just sleep. Just writing this has been liberating, even if no one reads it.

If someone does read this, though, and wants more, I have a lot of thoughts I'd love to get out to some strangers on the internet! It sure prevents vague-booking!