Breaking Up While Still in Love

You might ask, why would anyone break up with someone if they still love them? And if you are one of those people who has that question, I congratulate you, truly. You must be a happy and content soul and I am so glad you do not have this problem. However, unfortunately, I did and I am going to answer your question and tell you why I did it.

I spent my pre-teen and teenage years listening to gooey pop love songs, watching romantic comedies, and reading young adult fiction and fantasy novels, so I was already set up for a life of worshiping romance and all the cliches that come with it. However, you'd be surprised to find that I actually turned out the exact opposite. Blame it on whatever—my parents' divorce, the always-changing environments I grew up in, introversion, extreme shyness, or being an endless dreamer, but every day I grew more and more afraid of this thing called "commitment." Now, I had never been in a romantic relationship, so I had never even experienced it, but even the thought of being with only one person for the rest of my life made me shiver with fear. Being with someone excited me, but as soon as I thought of it as a long-term thing, my brain freaked out. It wasn't that I was just scared of monogamy, I don’t think I could’ve been in a polyamorous relationship either—it was more the thought of feeling "stuck" in one place for the rest of my life that worried me.

I felt these kinds of feelings up until I was 19 and experienced a first heartbreak. That year was a disaster squared. I became very lonely and in hindsight I think that’s what opened my mind more to sharing life with someone. After turning 20, my soul had quieted from the storm and was in a calm place. That time, I became friends with a guy who I already knew from university. We connected and became very close in a few months until we inevitably fell in love. Our relationship was very passionate and happy and we had similar outlooks on the world, so we discussed it all the time and related with a lot of what the other said. I trust him with anything and tell him everything and he is still my best friend. The only things we would ever argue or "fight" about was when he spent too much time on his phone or when I couldn’t decide what to eat—small unsubstantial things. Seemingly a good relationship, right? Well, not completely.

You see after about half a year of being with him, the previous feelings of wanting-to-be-with-other-people and stuckness started to creep back into my bones. It was a shock to me at first too. I felt so guilty like I had cheated or something, even though I had done nothing wrong. I thought to myself "You are happy. You love him. Why is this happening?" I honestly did not want those feelings to come and I pushed them away as soon as even a hint of it revealed itself in my mind. After all, I am in control of my thoughts and feelings, right? So I took control of my brain, cried the feelings out, and forced my brain to shut up. And it did, for a while at least. We spent the summer apart due to the fact that we were working in different countries. I missed him so much and all the honeymoon feelings rushed back when we saw each other after two months. I felt like I was fixed.

A month passed and I started to feel the feelings again. Terrified. Terrified. Terrified. What do I do? I did not tell him at first, but after a few weeks I could not take it anymore. I was thinking about it all the time. I finally burst out the truth to him in a waterfall of tears and confusion. We almost broke up after that conversation because my feelings were so heightened, but as I was about to get up and leave, a glimpse into a life without him and agonizing loneliness flashed through my heart and that flash scared me so much more than my messy feelings. I ran back to him and apologized and said I couldn’t do it and I stayed. So the relationship continued. I, once again, pulled myself together and convinced myself that everything would be alright. I stayed calm and avoided the thoughts.

Our one year anniversary came, another Halloween, another Christmas, the thoughts subsided but never faded. I found out they were the strongest when I went out, don’t know why, perhaps because I was socializing much more than I do in everyday life. I spent almost every day with him and I loved him more every day—his kindness, his funny soul, and generous heart. And I truly thought I was all better. I went to see my family for a month and again, missed him terribly and again, coming back was amazing. But after about a week of being back, the thoughts flooded back and this time I could not stop them. My heart was wilted and I was so sick of the constant battle in my head.

It felt like a dark shadow and a bright light at the same time. I didn’t want it, but I did want it. I was still terrified, but this time the terror wasn’t as scary as it had been before. It’s like my mind had acclimated to it, turned it into a part of my being. I avoided the topic again, but this time I was calm about it, because I knew it was inevitable. Because I had finally accepted my inner self. I finally understood what I had to do. Because if I didn’t, it would keep happening again and again until I broke completely.

I talked to him, putting a great deal of emphasis on the fact that I was doing this for my sanity, not because I did not love him anymore. "I have to do this for myself," I kept saying.

This was not fair to him. Me feeling those feelings every day, dreaming about being commitment free. I am so young. I want to experience so much still. I do not want to settle down yet. Sometimes I love being alone and just thinking. I felt guilty for just thinking those thoughts. I had to figure out who I was on my own.

We tried taking a "break," but what does that really mean? We never figured out a definition. We spent some time apart, but that just made him more confused and hurt. Hurting him killed me the most. I could not handle hurting him. That was the line. That is when I knew what I had to do. I had to break up with him.

Walking away was the hardest part. Walking away from someone you love knowing it may never be the same again. Half of me was filled with desperation and sorrow while the other half was utter relief. I didn’t know what I was more scared of—never being with him again or feeling that feeling again.

It is important to mention that I was always honest with him. And I always told him when I had the "feeling shifts" again. Come to think of it now, I never really had a "feeling shift"—they were always there. I just kept a lid on them until I couldn’t hold it anymore and all of the mess boiled over. I think the root cause of those feelings of wanting liberation is just that I am still young and I want to experience various life adventures before I completely "settle down." Sure, right now, the thought of complete commitment seems inhibiting, but I am sure I will overcome it as I grow as a person and learn. And even if I never completely vanquish it, I will tame it immensely, I am sure, as natural life takes its course. The one thing I have learned from this is to just stay calm.

***

I won't say it's not hard after the breakup. I am still sad and recovering from the whirlwind of emotions, but am glad I get to not think for a while and not be anxious about everything I do. Writing out this story of how I broke up with someone I still love has been very therapeutic for me and I encourage everyone who has similar feelings to speak about it. Don’t hold it in. It never works if you do. It’ll just get worse until you break.

By the end of our relationship, we had talked about it so much that he understood what I was feeling and he empathized with it. And although he did not want our romantic relationship to end, he let go without any resentment and I and so grateful for that.

If your partner truly loves you, they will understand your choices as long as you are honest with them. It is never the wrong time to be honest. Be honest with people you love, but above all, be honest with yourself.