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Breathe

Getting Through Life As Best We Can

By Wilma DavisPublished 6 years ago 11 min read
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Heartbreak comes in many different forms. Some of which I never thought I would have to go through in my lifetime. Then again, we don't always have a say in the matter, do we?

April 30, 2014 was just days after our anniversary. Brian and I had been dating a year, which is the longest I had ever been in a relationship. He was kind, funny, and deeply cared about me; and with my anxiety that was a big deal. I thought we were in love.

The day felt like any other. I had woken up, gone off to classes at my university, and then headed to work, same as always. When I got to work I was informed I had a trainee shadowing me for the night, Tom. He was gorgeous. Dark brown curls framed his tan face, his hazel eyes shining at me as he smiled. I felt ridiculous; I was probably red in the face and smiling like an idiot. The night went well, he caught on quickly and was asking questions about work, the other coworkers, and me. He also met Brian that night, as we all worked at the same place. I was excited to have another hardworking coworker, and excited to get to know Tom better.

Time continued as it always had. Tom and I worked together most mornings, given we were the only ones who weren't typically busy. A friendship formed between us, and it meant the world to me. We spent time together outside of work a few times, nothing but innocent friendship. Brian and I were doing well, and Tom started seeing another coworker, Marissa.

In early September, Brian's brother, Douglas, began talking to me more. He would text me, and joke with me whenever I was at their house. At first it made me feel more welcome into their family, I thought maybe I would someday marry Brian. Douglas didn't think so though, and he told me this while he attempted to seduce me. He thought he could satisfy me more than Brian ever had. Disgusted and disappointed with him, I told Douglas's girlfriend what had happened. She didn't believe me though, and thought I had been the one flirting with him, which she told Brian and the rest of their family. Their mom tried to call me to get my side of the story, but I was over it. I cried all night. Douglas had this power; he was able to convince everyone that I was unfaithful and that he was innocent in the matter. I ended it with Brian and I before he could. It felt better to have some kind of power over the situation.

We didn't tell our peers right away, neither of us liked the spotlight very much. I told Tom though; he was starting to feel like my closest friend. He confided in me too. Marissa didn't want to date exclusively and he was devastated. We began seeing more and more of each other. He would tell me I was beautiful when I thought I wasn't. He helped me more at work, just to make life easier for me. We would do homework together, encouraging each other to be our best selves. Tom was the person I never thought I would be good enough for. There were so many girls interested in him, I couldn't understand why he was paying me any attention. I had social anxiety, he was a butterfly. I felt like a geek, and he was the jock in the story. Those things don't actually matter though, and I was finally becoming more confident in myself.

Brian soon found out about our budding relationship. He thought that since Tom and I had started seeing each other so quickly after our relationship was over, Douglas must have been right when he talked about my infidelity. Brian thought I had cheated on him with Tom. Even though it wasn't true and I told him over and over again, he began to hate me. We stopped speaking to each other for a while.

When Tom decided to take a new job I thought that would be the end of our friendship, and in a way, it was. I invited him over on Halloween, thinking we could carve pumpkins together. When the night turned cold, he snuggled up next to me. I know my cheeks were red then. He laughed, touched my nose, and asked if he could kiss me. The next day was his last day of work.

We kept our relationship secret at first. I had forgotten how exciting a new love could be. Stolen kisses, private sleepovers; it felt almost like a dream how happy I was. He asked me to officially be his girlfriend on November 21st, and I was over the moon. I finally had a taste of what real love felt like and I never wanted it to end. Tom came over on Thanksgiving and met my entire family. It was surreal how well everything was going. It didn't seem possible.

Two weeks after Thanksgiving I found out Tom still had feelings for Marissa, and they were still spending time together. Jealousy coursed through my veins. I confronted him, and he admitted he still loved her. He had lost his virginity to her just weeks before we started dating. I told him I didn't want him seeing her any more, and he agreed it was for the best. He got me an early Christmas gift; a blue heart necklace. To match my eyes, he told me.

December 20th he told me he wasn't ready for a relationship and we moved too fast. He didn't want to be with me anymore, and thought it would be best if we stopped talking all together. My heart turned to stone. I couldn't breathe. My best friend. The love of my life. Out of no where, he was gone and left me with nothing. I stopped wearing the necklace.

I woke up Christmas morning nauseated. I hated the thought of seeing my family again and having to answer their questions about Tom. I didn't want to talk about it. We opened presents, everyone seemed happy. We all went to my aunt's house for Christmas dinner. I couldn't eat. My sister quietly commented on my lack of appetite and asked if I was okay. I shrugged. I told her I'd be fine soon, just wasn't feeling well. Maybe the flu, she suggested. Maybe.

The New Year came and went, still no word from Tom. I was still sick, feeling nauseous all the time, barely any hunger. I figured it was from the stress of the breakup and didn't think much else of it. I told my friend Adam how I was feeling. He asked me jokingly if I was pregnant. It was the first time I even considered that to be a possibility. I brushed it off though, there was no way I could be, I thought. Adam wanted me to take a test to be sure though. He said if I was, he'd be there for me.

I didn't think of Adam as anything more than a friend. He was a few years younger than me, and had never expressed any interest in me until that point. He was sweet though, and I needed a friend. I told him I'd take one to make him feel better.

I bought three. I figured these pregnancy tests weren't always right after all, so it'd be nice to show him three negative pregnancy tests instead of just the one. I bought them on my way home from school. It felt odd, being a single girl, buying pregnancy tests. I always imagined I would be buying these with excitement, but all I felt was dread and loneliness. I went to my bathroom and sat down. I felt the fear building up in the back of my throat. I waited those excruciating five minutes. Positive. All three.

I threw up almost instantaneously. This can't be real, I thought. It can't be happening. My fingers were shaking as I attempted to text Adam. I told him the news as best I could. I silently sobbed, laying on the bathroom floor. Adam wanted to help me. He asked me what I wanted to do. I didn't know, but I knew I had to tell Tom as quickly as possible. I pulled up his number and contemplated calling him, but my voice shook and I didn't know if I could handle hearing what he had to say. I texted him, "Hey Tom, please get back to me. I want to talk to you."

I waited. Adam was telling me about how if I kept the baby he'd help me raise it, and we could fall in love and get married some day. He was trying to keep my head above water. He wanted to give me something to look forward to. We can do it, he kept saying. The knot was worsening in my chest. It was getting harder to breathe. Finally, Tom texted me back. I closed my eyes. He's a nice person, I thought. He's going to be supportive and kind, and we'll figure this out together. "Pregnant?"

I hadn't said I was, so it took me by surprise. His bubble popped up, signaling that he was typing more. I waited impatiently, staring at the screen, hoping for anything he could say. He's a good guy, he's probably just asking what's going on. "Abortion." He wrote. "I'm not ready to be a father."

I was numb. Did I read that right? Adam was still texting me, too. I didn't know where to go, what to do. After some time I replied, "Can we just talk in person? I'm really struggling here." Tom's response left me feeling broken. "That's not really my problem. We can meet so I can give you the money. I'll pay half for the procedure." I couldn't bear thinking about it, or being alone anymore. I punched myself in the stomach. I thought I could make it all go away if I just hit myself hard enough. I called Brian. I couldn't be alone. He came over immediately to hold my hands. I kept texting Adam.

The next morning I woke up, feeling more alone and destroyed than I ever thought possible. I didn't know how to feel about what Tom told me to do. I never thought it was something I'd need information on. I found resources. Phone numbers. It was a haze. I got myself scheduled for an appointment. I couldn't tell my family. Brian offered to take me, since I needed someone to drive me home from the appointment.

Tom came into work when he saw my car in the parking lot a few days later. Brian was there, too. Tom pulled me aside to give me money. My boss approached me and started talking to the two of us. She saw the fear in my eyes. She saw the anger in Brian's. Ryan left quickly, and she asked me if I was okay. I didn't know how to respond, so I told her I'd be fine. I could tell she didn't believe me, but she didn't push it any further.

Less than a week after my birthday Brian kept his word, helping me get to my appointment and get home. The procedure was simple, my doctor very nice. She told me I should take it easy for the day, but I ignored her. Brian took me to work after. I wanted as normal of a day as possible. I wasn't attending my classes anymore. I had just turned 20.

Adam grew distant after I told him what I wanted. He was disappointed. So was I. Brian thought we might get back together and I thought we might too. It could never happen though. I saw how much he cared about me, and I hated that I couldn't return the feelings for him. I wanted to love him, but I didn't.

I'd like to say I handled things well, but I know that wasn't the case. I kept working like normal. I even got promoted. I worked with Marissa one night and was starting to feel better. We knew how to make each other laugh. I got her laughing so hard she almost fell down. She caught her hand on her knee as her necklace swung out from under her shirt. It was familiar. A blue heart sparkled on a silver clasp, delicate and beautiful. I asked her who had given it to her, knowing fully what to expect. A friend, she told me. I pulled my identical one out of my purse, and asked her if he said it looked like her eyes. She took her necklace off. We didn't laugh for the rest of the night.

I have no regrets about that time in my life. Everyone needs to experience heartbreak at some point, this experience just happened to be in many forms. Heartbreak from Adam and what could have been. The life we could have shared together, even if it did start unconventionally. Pain for Brian, knowing how badly I hurt him and how much he loved me. Knowing I could never love him as much as he did. Heartbreak from Tom, everything I had thought I wanted in a significant other only to find out how shallow of a love it was. The emptiness inside me for the child I'd never know.

It gets better. I promise you it does. Time can heal wounds, even if they're deeper than you realize. These experiences we have seem sometimes like they'll kill us, but they shape us. I never thought I would look back at that Winter and say that it made me a better person, but it made me see the world in a more honest, realistic way. I feel like I've become more empathetic. Knowing that I've done things people wholeheartedly disagree with has made me aware that life isn't black and white, right or wrong. It's just life.

breakups
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About the Creator

Wilma Davis

I write about myself and the true experiences I’ve had. I’m 23 and doing the best I can, and I hope if you’re going through something similar, my stories give you some relief that you’re not alone.

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