Breathe

“You know they don’t like you,” she whispered to me.

I shrugged, “I don’t care.”

“You should. You’ll make us look worse.”

I could only roll my eyes as I turned the corner. I could feel her follow my every footstep. She was always just an inch away from me. Never giving me any moment to breathe. It was like this. Toxic. A sort of drowning feeling. Like every breath was being cut shorter and shorter. Never being able to truly escape from the cage she trapped me in. Even as I dashed into my apartment, she was quick to follow. In my ears. Criticizing me. Trapping me in a relationship with her false sense of love.

It used to be healthy. I remember always enjoying her company. Loving every moment we had together, but maybe I was just blind. Maybe I ignored her flaws because I needed her. I couldn’t see a life without her. She had this charming quality about her. She always gave me good points to better myself... Maybe it was just soft criticism. The longer I held onto her, the more crippling I became, the more I started to feel as if I needed her in my life or I would be completely lost. That I would be an utter mess if I even thought about separating from her. It was this co-dependency I had built onto her without even realizing it. She was always there when I needed her and whenever I made a mistake. She made it right.

Everyone seemed to love her. My own family loved her... Sometimes I thought more than me. Their own flesh and blood, and they preferred this girl I was beginning to see as a stranger.

As I collapsed onto the couch, I closed my eyes shut as she sat right beside me. My chest began to tighten as she continued with her criticism.

Maybe you should dress nicer.

Who does their hair like that?

Do you know how dumb you look when you blabber?

People would like you if you weren’t so self absorbed.

Maybe stop thinking you have a gift.

You’re nothing without me.

My throat clenched as I clawed the couch. I couldn’t stop the tears that were falling down. She stared at me with annoyance as if I was the most disgusting creature she has ever saw, begging for her love and attention. The void in my chest began to grow, the emptiness I felt was once more coming back. I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror without this disgust coming up. I couldn’t lay in bed with her without feeling this cold embrace of loneliness. I didn’t want to continue to feel this sense of being pitied. I didn’t want to continue listening to her. I could barely breathe because of her! I was locked in an airtight vault, banging against the door weakly in hopes someone would open the door to give me the gift of oxygen.

“Are you going to continue crying? You really are pathetic.”

I glared at her, shaking my head as I tried to find my voice that was struggling to be set free. I have relied on her so much, my own voice seemed to have just disappear.

“What? Cat got your tongue? Or do you just like being a piece of shit?”

I tried to breathe. Tried to calm down. Her words were cutting me deeper the more I listened to her. It was like a race of thoughts flashing into my mind. Thoughts of how I was an awful person. Terrible moments in my past that still haunt me before bed. But, there was still something fluttering in my chest.

A sense of hope.

That I was still a valuable person. That I had meaning in my life and I meant something in others.

“I’m not a piece of shit,” I croaked. "I’m a person.”

“Excuse me. Who do you think you’re talking to?”

“Someone who obviously doesn’t understand me! Someone who doesn’t know me! I make mistakes, I’m human,” I spoke up. “I do that. That’s okay. If people don’t like me the way I am then they don’t have to be in my life. You don’t have to be. Because I like me. I like who I am.”

“Well, you shouldn’t!”

“Why not?” I barked, “I’m a good person. I do stupid things but what human being doesn’t? I won’t ever be perfect, so don’t expect it from me.”

“You could try.”

“And I’ll fail. Every. Time. Perfection was only created for the most narcissistic being and even they are far from being it,” I laughed. “I want to be me.”

“Don’t you care about how you would make others feel being this selfish?!”

“Of course I care about their feelings! But if I keep putting my neck out for everyone else I’ll keep destroying myself. I need to have my voice. I’m everything without you. I don’t need you in my life to make me feel bad at every moment.”

She stared at me in shock. I would have never thought I had the courage to stand up for myself. There was a sense of relief in my chest as I was beginning to shiver at my own sudden outburst. She scoffed, she was trying to come up with another reason. Something to once more put me down again. She could see in my eyes, I wasn’t going to buy into her lies anymore.

“You don’t do it for me anymore,” I chuckled.

Her breathing had become heavier as her skin was starting to peel away. She felt her masks fall apart before me while I watched her. It was like I was looking into the mirror as I stared into her eyes. An image of myself hidden behind a facade. She looked frail. Confused. Hurt. As I reached out to her, her mask once more broke in front of me, forcing me to flinch back. They were no longer my eyes but of someone who had hurt me. They had hurt me one too many times at such a young age that I had began to believe every word they spoke to me.

“I’m okay.”

I watched her body shatter like glass. The flutter in my chest began to have a swarm. Relief and joy was quickly spreading through my chest as I remind myself. For once, I could breathe normally. I could breathe in peace.

I’m the best me I could possibly be. No one can take that from me.

Summary

A toxic relationship is never an ideal relationship. It's best to end the relationship and move on before you lose yourself in it.