Broken Beyond Fixing

You spend so much of your life believing sayings that have no truth to them other than a slight probability. You believe in the "third time's the charm" saying, as if once you hit the third try, you will automatically succeed. You believe that slow and steady wins the race when really you don't always have that much control in every situation that you need to start out slow. Sometimes you don't have any option other than hitting the ground running and not stopping until you have no other option. You believe it when your mother says you'll know when it's meant to be forever. That's one of the harshest lies you could convince yourself. She means well when she says it, but she doesn't know for a fact that you'll know right away and that it will work out.

Sometimes you do know right away that it's the right thing for you and you truly do believe that it's forever but sometimes, you find out you were wrong. Sometimes, you stick it out after he cheats on you because you don't fuck like she did and think that if you start doing what she did to please him, he won't do it again, but then it spirals out of control. Then, you turn into everything you didn't want to be. You turn into her but the worst version of her. You hate yourself because you turn into her because she is everything you used to hate. Then you learn that all the time you spent becoming her so he would love you better was a waste of time because now he wants the original, and he's been getting the original this whole time but didn't want to tell you. It hits you that he never really wanted what you had. He just wanted to get out of the bad habits that he picked up with her but he didn't have the strength to get out of it and continued to feed those habits. You're no longer the problem but since you finally began to believe that everyone around you blames you for the way he is, they blame you for his bad habits because you turned into her. You drown in the blame and eventually break beyond repair.

The moment you realize you're broken beyond repair is when you decide that there aren't going to be any repairs. You're going to build. Build from scratch, start over completely with no influence of his nasty habits that broke you in the first place. You become a person that people want in their life constantly, a strong personality that could push away anyone that didn't deserve you without a second thought. You tell him that you will try again but you won't be what he wants you to be. You'll only be what you want to be. That's a problem, because now he's scared that he can't get away with what he did to you before. Now he sees what he created, he forced you to rebuild yourself into someone that is built strictly off the pain he created along with every other bastard that thought you would be easy to tell where the bear shits in the woods. He tells you he loves you and says he's sorry on a constant basis as if he thinks that's all he has to do to tame the beast he created. He doesn't see that he has to do more than just apologize endlessly to convince you that he's willing to do better and change.

You rebuilt yourself, but now you feel empty and confused because now you have no pain or love in you anymore. Because you rebuilt yourself from the ground up. Now, it's time to start over. It's time to move on and fill yourself with nothing but love, nothing short of a future that you have control of, nothing short of what you're worth. Now, it's time to decide what you do next because every single person that blamed you for his bad habits and his fall doesn't know you. They don't know what you have become and have no say in where you go next.