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Broken Chapter 5

F*ckboys and Childhood Fantasies

By Gia TimonPublished 6 years ago 7 min read
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How do you even begin to explain how the modern man, or should I say boy. Because that's how I see these f*ckboys after they play their childish games. Some girls don't know how this game of cat and mouse operates, but after countless encounters I am well-versed and quite the seasoned player. The only way to win the game is to not play at all. If you suspect a guy to be a f*ckboy, walk away. But the challenging ones are the kind you don't see coming. They are the worst betrayal and the hardest knocks to your ego.

My theory is:

Maybe they aren't born like this, maybe they are made like this through heartbreak or poor advice, maybe it's both. Were they hurt badly by someone in their past or repeated pain that results in this behaviour? Shutting themselves off emotionally and determined that playing these games will make them safe from being hurt. Never letting anyone close, using numerous women for sex, convincing themselves that they don't feel anything for anyone and that the life they are leading will be legendary.

TV, films, books, articles, advice columns, all twisting this fable more, telling people it's the only way to get through dating in the millennial era. They're just making more monsters. Creating more vicious cycles of this disgusting behaviour. Someone hurts someone, they break, they hurt someone back, convince themselves they're okay, seeking attention to till the void in their life they secretly want, but one will eventually hurt the other, thus creating the circle again. Creating another damaged soul in the wake of its destruction.

My problem is I keep being hurt, but my heart till now has been resilient, still hoping one day I will be happy and meet someone who won't inevitably hurt me. The past five months of f*ckboys has finally done the trick. There has only been one decent guy in that time, but even now I question if he was genuine or if it was a new approach to the f*ckboy plan. They always find new ways to surprise me, new techniques to worm their way in.

A rare few will know I was recently diagnosed with high functioning anxiety with sociopathic tendencies, I've been open to the guys I was going to potentially date. However, they've still twisted it and been completely ignorant. A sociopath is someone who struggles with feelings, a lack of or lack of understanding. Often faking an emotion without even realising, somewhat manipulating behaviours at times.

But even with these facts, guys have accused me of feeling more than I do or at all, told me I've fallen for them, said I was lying about my diagnosis because I'm scared to admit my feelings.

This has been constant for five months so I think this is a warranted reaction:

ARE YOU F*CKING KIDDING ME!?!?!

If I feel something at all, I will tell you.

If I like you, I will tell you.

If I want something to happen, I will tell you.

If I tell you something, I mean it.

Months of guys presuming, ghosting, and ending things because you are idiots who want to think I want more than I do, or feel more than I do. It'd take months for me to feel anything. Just because you're playing this pathetic game does not mean I feel a thing, because I give you a degree of attention or fake affection you think that makes me want to be with you, no. I've actually laughed more than I have been upset, laughed at the pathetic idiots who think this bothers me. You're just someone I will forget ever existed in a matter of weeks. That's honestly how it goes, but even after reading this they would still say, "No she wants something, she felt more for me, I got to her." Keep telling yourself that to inflate that f*ckboy ego. The only time I get upset is at myself for falling for it again, then I'm over it in days.

It's the ones that lure you in with sweet talk and promises, showering you with constant affection, with no mention of sex or casual encounters. They act the perfect gentleman on a date, they can give you weeks of communication, just to pull it away like you never existed. I'd rather a guy be a f*ckboy upfront, make their intentions obvious. Some girls will go for that but some are just looking for something genuine. Till these wolves in sheep's clothing inevitably damage them. The once gentle romantic souls are ruined for anyone else. They lose all trust making them paranoid, they become guarded, making it hard for a genuine guy to get in and some go looking for the repetitive pain, choosing the same kind of guy convinced the outcome will be different.

The truth is they never change, just evolve with the times and games that ensue. The invention of Tinder made it an even better game for these pieces of shit. Judging on looks to find someone that was just going to be a hook up, one night stand or an ongoing piece of ass they can torment. And people go back, trying again and again. Being hurt, damaging their self-worth, then go back to the app to seek validation from strangers that their still hot or worthy of the smallest piece of attention.

Even I until recently have fallen in this trap, or convinced myself I can play the same game and it won't affect me in the long run. But it always does, in the smallest way chinking away at my amour and replacing it with a new, stronger piece. At this point I'd look like Marvel's Colossus, though I surprise myself when I can still be hurt.

My problem is I never see the sly players for what they are, still guarded but still so naïve. Believing the bullsh*t they spout and genuinely thinking they are interested in staying around. Then one day they disappear, with no care in the world for the destructions they've left behind.

Gone are the days of love letters, being genuine, no games, just feeling freely with no doubt or paranoia. No social media playing tricks on our minds or strategic game plans. For an old soul like me, I feel like there is no hope, there is no happy ending.

Either continuing on feeling worse about myself, believing that the next time will be different but it won't because every single person no matter what age has been involved in the circle and will be playing the game.

Or I give up, stop looking, learning to be happy with myself. But I won't be able to trust or let my guard down again if someone does eventually try to pursue me. It isn't the upfront f*ckboys, you know what you're getting into. The "You up?" "Been a while" "We should chill" "Doing?" messages, they just want to use you cause they're going through a dry spell, then you won't hear from them for weeks or months.

It's the sly ones that you allow into your life thinking they're different but you get the same result; inevitably you're left on your own with yet another chink in your amour, bruised and withdrawn, damaged and broken.

Though I find this era and behaviour disgusting, I am by no means blaming the f*ckboys. You are the only person that allows them and their behaviour. That is what I have came to realise, I am the constant in the equation, I am the one to blame, I am the one allowing this behaviour. And I am the only person who can change the outcome. If someone reading this associates themselves with this passage, ask yourself why and what you have done. But know you were just a lesson, a fleeting second in my life and a momentary lapse of judgment.

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About the Creator

Gia Timon

Just a girl telling her story of the modern dating horror show, struggling with high functioning anxiety, sociopathic tendencies and a troubled past.

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