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The Beginning of the End
I've been trying to fix myself.
But I can not do it alone.
He didn't understand that I was broken... He must have thought I was "perfect." He must have thought we weren't going to have problems. I don't know what he was thinking because he stopped telling me what he was thinking. He stopped being the person he was in the beginning. I thought he was going to be more understanding because he's broken, just like me — but he didn't. The problem is he didn't see things the way I see it. We never really saw things eye-to-eye and our brokenness couldn't vibe. Because he says we're on two different levels, the way he put it — I was at the top and he was at the bottom. I guess I was out of his league to say the least. He would tell me, "I'm gonna make it with or without you," as if I didn't wanna see him make it. How could you say that to a person who supported you from the start? Nothing would have made me happier than to see him winning.
He treated me like gold. Until I became the person he no longer wanted to be with. I guess I understand, the distance between us made our relationship harder to deal with, but what was once so easy for you to do is now an inconvenience.
Like a call or a text. Simple communication.
As things changed in your career, so did you. And I guess being with me became something that had to change too. Because I started getting less and less. Less FaceTime, less "I miss you" or "I'm thinking about you."
I was thinking to myself, well the least you could do was be honest. The least you could do was tell me how you were really feeling. Instead of trying to convince me that you still wanted me. In the back of my mind I knew it was over. I was waiting to see how this would play out or how it would end.
I have a bunch of unanswered questions that I'm starting to think I don't want the answers to.
You said 50 percent you do want a relationship, 50 percent you don't. So 50 percent of the time you want me, okay cool. But what was I suppose to do the other 50 percent of the time? The other 50 percent of the time, I sat here, waiting for you. Waiting for you to want me again. Waiting to see you. Waiting to hear from you. While I was waiting you were busy working, or trying to keep busy, but just busy enough to have an excuse not to deal with me. Because although you may have been busy you weren't busy enough for your friends, or Snapchat, Instagram, Facebook or Twitter. You were just too busy for me.
I wish I hadn't have given you a chance, yet. I wish I would have waited until after you matured into a man. I sometimes thought to myself you were too young for me, although you were just a few years younger. You were mature, just not mature enough for me. Maybe you need someone that's your age? Or maybe someone who has been through some of the things you've been through who can possibly relate to you better than I can? Maybe you'll find someone that's broken in the way that you are and your broken pieces will complete her and you both can be whole together?
I hope you eventually find that and I honestly wish you the best. It just sucks that what once was what we thought was "love" will only make us familiar strangers.
I don't understand how someone can say they don't want you, but they still want you to want them. It's like you want the attention from that person but you don't want everything that comes with them.
That's selfish. Because somehow everything is about what you want, and you're not thinking of the other person, just yourself.
I can't get with that.
I can't ride that wave.
I'm not hip.
Because I've always been the type of person to know if I want someone in my life or not. I don't beat around the bush. I tell you what I want and what I expect from you. I don't lead people on or try to confuse it. It's just easier that way.
Some people can't articulate what they want.
Although they say they don't know what they want. That's not true. They know what they want, they just don't know how to say it. In fear that it may hurt the other person or change their opinion of them. So instead they make it seem unclear when they know very well what they're looking for. It just may not be you.
I unfollowed you today.
I couldn't take the fact that you keep lying to me.
Yesterday you told me you wanted me but you didn't want to go through this but what is this?
Mostly everything we are going through is because of you.
Because you don't know how to tell the truth or say how you're really feeling. And I don't know if it's because you think it'll hurt my feelings or if you really don't know.
But what I do know is I'm not going to put up with this. I can't make you want me. The best quote I read from Instagram said "don't lose your mind trying to be on theirs" and that's precisely what I've been doing. I've been trying to understand why? Why am I not important to you? Or why am I not important enough for you to think about? Why do I have to beg for a text or a call? I know why, because I'm not the one you truly want. I told you yesterday if it's someone else just say that. And instead of answering my question, you avoided it. I knew then, that in that moment I'm not what you want.
And so now I'm in the process of getting over you. Trying to move on because it hurts to be lied to, and I don't want to be treated like that. I don't want to be a second choice. I don't want to be someone that you come back to because when it turns out the girl you really want doesn't want you, then you decide to pick me. It ends today. I won't be here for you when she hurts you. I'll be moving on with someone else.
Keep moving forward.
Today I decided I'm no longer going to be pressed over you. I picked your brain today and in the midst of it all I figured out why our relationship ended.
For one, you forgot who I was and you slept on me. You started treating me like I was "regular." You made it seem like I'm too much for you and not enough for you at the same time. It's like the tables turn now, at first I was "too good" for you but now you're too good for me.
Second, your double standards are ridiculous. You think it's okay for you to do what you want, but it's a problem if I act the same. You're a hypocrite. You don't see what's wrong with that and that's a problem.
Third, you lack patience and empathy. You need time to grow. You need someone who has time to grow with you and that's not me. I don't have years or even months for you to figure out if I'm good enough to have you.
We talked about the girls who you say have a chance, and maybe they'll be what you're looking for because I'm not it. And that's okay. I decided today that I no longer have the energy or the time to keep fighting for you. So as far as a relationship goes, I don't see it working out. Maybe we were meant to just be friends. And I'm finally okay with that. It is what it is.
The thing is I would have chosen you over everything. I would have chosen you over my friends, my family, my job — you name it. But when it was time for you to choose me — you didn't.