Broken Prayer

Mark 10:6-9

"6 'But at the beginning of creation God ‘made them male and female.’ 7 ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, 8 and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one flesh. 9 Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”

The walls are painted a dark and cold steel grey with very few wall decorations to add color. The office is already small enough but with the emotionless color and only a small window to see through, I wonder how my therapist, Dr. Hail has been able to sit in here and not lose her mind. It’s ironic really, this woman sits here all day listening to patients talking about how they are feeling when I doubt that she herself knows what it’s like to be happy.

I wonder what it’s like to sit in a dark office all day and not be able to look outside. I should applaud her for being able to listen to life stories about abuse and depression and not have anywhere to turn her attention too. I couldn’t even deal with my problems, let alone someone else’s.

I turned to watch as my room doctor, Dr. Louis, my mother, and Dr. Hail all whispered quietly at the door. Dr. Hail grabbed a folder of my paperwork from Dr. Louis and smiled warmly at the older man. Both of my doctors shared the same wrinkly face and oversized toothy smile but unlike Dr. Louis’s smile, Dr. Hail’s seemed a little false.

My mother looked up at me and scowled, her normally beautiful round face was now replaced with an angry low frown and her oversized blue eyes felt like they were piercing through me.

“Get out of grown folks’ conversation and do your prayer before starting.” Her tone of voice told me this was not the time and place to argue about doing some damn prayer.

I shut my eyes like I always do for prayers and although my every instinct tells me to fake it, I find myself silently praying.

Listen…I’m really grateful for waking up a few days ago and I feel great because the doctors let me sleep and all but sir I really don’t want to talk with Dr. Hail. This hospital is run by the doctors from church. I mean it’s not even a hospital, well I mean it is but hospitals are supposed to be safe and unjudgmental but ever since I woke up I’ve noticed people staring and not just normal stares, the stares you get when churchgoers think you’re the anti-Christ. I liked it better when I was in the garden that day. Can you please- No wait, never mind, you’re probably not even listening to my prayer right now. I broke one of your biggest rules.

I didn’t realize the office door had closed and Dr. Hail had sat in front of me on her side of her desk. Her dark eyes feed on the only hope I had left in my heart as they observed me from head to toe. “So, Noel, I couldn’t do any background work on you because you were thrown in here so suddenly but from what your mother told me, you are a very rebellious young lady.

“Rebellious?” I questioned. I couldn't hold back my smile.

“Do you disagree?” Dr. Hail eyebrows raised in a way that told me if I answered with anything other than ‘NO’ she would find a way to make me feel like dirt.

I took a deep breath, “May I ask you a question ma’am?”

She nodded. “Are you a member of the church?”

On April seventh, 2015 I had a bible group meeting, it was the first the that the church allowed me to join the group and it wasn’t just any meeting. For once, I was able to spend time with my girl without hiding somewhere.

“Hebrews thirteen, four through five reads: Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and the sexually immoral. Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”

There was a strange relief in my body after reading this verse out loud in front of my fellow bible group members. Many times, as a little girl I would read this verse and hold onto the hope that God would never forsake me for my decisions with love. Sitting here today in front of five others, I hoped that they would understand it the way I do. Out of the corner of my eye I could see the blonde hair hiding a small frame but through the hair I could see the start of a small smile. She had listened and understood the verse the same way I did and just like me I think she had hope.

“I think he was talking about the gay’s when he said to keep the bed pure.” My smile turned to a frown as one of the members talked, “I mean honestly, the bed isn’t pure if you break god’s rule of sleeping with the same sex, it’s just wrong and disgusting.”

A ripple of Amen’s made my blood boil over all except me and one other said an Amen.

The small smile I saw through her blonde hair was gone.

“I thought we were supposed to accept and love all people.” I said softly.

I could feel the stares from the members. Their stares locked me in my own solitary cell.

“God said-“

“God said that marriage should be between a man and a woman, not two people of the same sex but it makes sense why some dyke like you would hope god would actually love you. It’s no secret in the church, everyone knows. Your mother is known for having a big mouth.”

The young woman who sat next to me leaned in and smiled, “You’re probably going to hell but don’t worry, we’ll pray for you.”

Dr. Hail’s ruby red lipstick was stained on her white coffee mug. The imprint of her thin lips covered multiple spots on the mug as Hail started to sip while I talked.

“Well in their defense god’s words are that it’s male and female, you have to see it from the groups point of view. They were raised in the truth and know the right way.”

Fake and stupid, each member of the congregation was just like Hail with the condensing stares and side comments that were meant to bring the “outsiders” down. They’d smile in your face and spit in your sweet tea before handing it to you.

“If a man has sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman, both of them have done what is detestable. They are to be put to death; their blood will be on their own heads.” Dr. Hail recited the line I knew all too well.

“Leviticus twenty thirteen is different in many bibles, there are some bibles that don’t make a statement on gay relationships. There are some bibles that tell that god loves all his children.” I twirled my thumbs around each other while avoiding Hail’s stare, “He loves me.”

“April eighth was the night after the bible group incident and like always people had something to say about me.”

”Jesus Christ Noel, how do you expect to become a part of the congregation when you can’t even recite back one bible scripture without causing any more rumors?” My father tossed the magazine he was holding at me which flew past my head and knocked over the spice rack on the kitchen counter, "You can’t get good grades in school and you have no place in the church what the hell are you even here for.”

My father’s words stung as I watched him walk away. The tears that begged to fall were forced back when I saw my mother and brother stealing disappointed glances at me from their place in the kitchen. I faked a smile and shrugged my shoulders at my brother, ”I’ll get it right before the meeting.” I promised.

"Just go practice before he sees you standing here.” My mother’s voice was strong when she spoke to me, which let me know she was on the same level of hate and disappointment as my father.

The alarm clock hanging on the edge of my wooden desk flashed the time ten thirty in red. With a frustrated groan, I slammed my bible closed and stuffed my script back in my bag.

My script felt like one huge confusing story, it made no sense. The scriptures were saying something completely different than what the script said. It was like the bible was written in Arabic and a phony translator was trying to put it into English, the congregation was twisting the bibles words to fit their viewpoints.

There’s no point.

You’re useless…

I roughly rubbed my eyes and buried my face in my hands. “What the hell are you even here for?”

What did he mean by that? Was he just angry? Or was he saying that because he wishes I was no longer here?

My hands shook a little as I forced myself to ignore the stabbing ache in my chest.

“Noel, I don’t see the point in telling me about your family. They are great people. You are here because you tried to commit suicide and from what your mother told me we think you may have done that due to that girl you were seeing.”

I scoffed and looked up from my lashes at Hail. Fire, I feel like the flames of a fire. I was burning in front of Dr. Hail. One would think a therapist would share words of wisdom and attempt to help me recover from my sinful thoughts but instead, she seems to care more about my family gossip.

“Dr. Hail I believe you’re confused about something.”

“No, my information is correct.”

She’s so confident and cocky, believing only her words and her viewpoint are right.

I shook my head, “With all due respect, you’re not me and just because my mother told you something does not mean that it’s true. I don’t have a girlfriend, she was just some girl.”

She’s beautiful, from her head to her toes. Something about her smile caused vicious butterflies to invade my stomach. Every time she glanced at me the butterflies would attack once more. I felt like I was being tickled with hundreds of wings. Her blonde hair was so long it reminded me of the beautiful angels I would see drawn in bible stories for children.

It’s been two periods since she slipped the note in my locker telling me to come to meet her at the rose garden in central town. Central town was a small town right outside ours and it was rare that someone from our congregation was found over there because central wasn’t very religious. So, in lots of ways, I was excited to get away.

I didn’t waste any time to speed walk out of class when the final bell rung releasing everyone. I shoved my hands in my pockets and played with the note she left me. By time I arrived at the rose garden elementary children were swinging around on the playground a small distance away. The blood red roses smelled fresh and I could see the water droplets that laid upon their petals, something about the natural rainy smell and the muddy ground brought me back to my childhood. A time when this garden felt like home.

I heard my name called and turned to see her standing right behind me.

“Noel, who was the girl?”

I whipped my head up at Hail and snapped, “None of your business!” On the inside, I was shocked to hear my own voice rise like it did. I’ve never been one to speak up.

Hails' lips straightened out in a frown that caused the wrinkles next to her lips to spread out.

“If she was just some girl then why can’t you tell me. Everything you say will remain between the two of us.”

The fucking lies, excuse me Lord but seriously the fucking lies from this one. I bit my lip to keep myself from spilling out everything I really wanted to say. “She’s not your problem, Dr. Hail.”

“She’s not your problem, she’s not the congregations and she’s sure as hell not a problem with my family. No one in this damned town needs to know about the girl who’s helped me breathe for the first time in years. Her identity has been a secret ever since I came into school the day after the rose garden and saw photos of the two of us kissing posted on the school lockers. I’ll be damned if someone as despicable as you knew who she was. People like you would make her hate herself.”

If looks could kill, both Hail and I would be lying on the floor in a pile of our blood. We just glared at each other in almost a silent understanding. We both wanted to get the hell out of the office and away from each other. “Let’s get to the point. When did you make the decision to go ahead and-?

“And what?” I leaned forward in my seat, “Kill myself? You see what I did as a decision, what I saw was my way out. That day just signed what was supposed to be my death contract and I was willingly ready to go.

My mother ripped me back by my ponytail and whacked me in the face with some rolled-up stack of papers, ”You good for nothing-” My mother didn’t finish her sentence because just as she lifted the rolled up paper in the air my father’s harsh voice came from behind me.

”You put that paper down before you make a fool out of our family in front of the entire congregation.”

I looked around at the people who have known me since I was a little girl as they stole glances at me in between my parents. To an outsider watching, we probably look like a normal family having a quiet conversation but to those who knew turned away to avoid any confrontation. My mother’s “righteous” temper was intimidating but my father’s tall frame and deep voice caused fear to shiver done your spine.

I whimpered as his strong grip wrapped itself around the back of my neck and pushed my head forward. “WHAT DID YOU DO NOW?”

“I di- I swear I didn’t do anything.” Tears cascaded down my face as I tried to explain to my father what happened before my mother could. The pressure from his grip tightened and I looked up at the old woman who used to babysit me. There was pity in her eyes but with a small gentle push on her glasses, she turned away.

My mother opened the papers slightly to show my father and once again I was face to face with the photo of me kissing my hidden girlfriend. My heart thumped fast in my chest and I awaited the slap I knew would come my way. Tears were already threatening to spill.

“Get to the car now.” I let out a loud gasp of relief as tears spilled down my face. My father roughly pushed me away by my neck, I was free. I managed to catch myself instead of falling and speed walk away.

I didn’t stop walking even after I passed my families car. My feet had a mind of their own as I walked the streets in the burning heat. I walked miles in the opposite direction of the church and my house. I walked far away from the bastards I called my friends and family. The people who preached that they were holy and the perfect children of God yet shunned me because I never understood the bible the way they did. Hateful souls who went to great lengths to promote love and kindness but are the first to join an anti-LGBT rally and hold up signs with same-sex bathroom figures with a painted red X over them or insult other religions for following different gods.

The same bastards who watched for years as I came into the church with black eyes and bruises and never attempted to help me. The same people who care more about my love life then my personality.

“Those bastards!” I screamed out my frustrations and a few people passing by gave me strange looks. At this point, I didn’t care I just wanted out. I passed through the worn-down town looking for the Walgreens I knew all too well.

“Is that the Walgreens where you picked up your mother’s medicine? Why pick up the med’s if you were in that state of mind.”

“I’ve always done it, she always brings me along to get her meds. It’s hard for her to do anything alone due to her bad knee. It was probably a force of habit, I wasn’t thinking I was only walking”

There was a short silence as we stared at each other. Her face twisted in disgust and disappointment. I don’t know why the dark stare from this woman affects me so much but I felt my heart sink and fall to the bottom of my stomach.

“So, you saw that as your chance, huh?”

If Hail wasn’t my way out the hell hole office I would have some choice words for her.

“Hey Tommy, I’m here to pick up momma’s prescription.”

“One moment Noel.”

Tommy walked to the back where the white shelves held tons of paper bags of medicine. He looked up from the shelves and smiled, “So how is your momma?”

“Cold as ice.” I pushed a false smile on my face but his beautiful sapphire eyes turned worried as he looked at me.

“You okay darling? You’re looking a little worn down.”

I shook my head slightly, “I’m kind of in a rush.”

It took four miles for the meds to fully kick in but I wasn’t going to stop until I arrived to my place.

“Dear God, please forgive me for I have sinned. I read that suicide leads to going to hell but is hell so bad. Haven’t I lived in hell? I don’t belong here, why did you put me here? I’m not grateful of the life you gave me. You took away the only life I was given. Why couldn’t you give me a normal life, why couldn’t I be loved and wanted just like the others at church. I’m always told that you love us but if you truly love us, why do you let us feel pain. Why do you put us through this!”

Tears spilled down my face as I struggled to keep walking. I dragged my feet through the long trail to a park that I knew too well from my childhood and I was able to make it to the rose garden before I finally fell to my knees. I struggled to breathe as I kneeled in the beautiful roses. My last tears fell as my eyes slowly started to close. I could hear the sounds of children laughing on the playground as they slid down slides and kicked their feet back so they could reach the sky.

I whispered my last prayer, “I’m a good person, it is not my fault that I made mistakes, you made me this way. I just want to find peace and if peace is in hell then I am willing to accept it. I wanted life, I wanted to live but I can’t be here. Show me you love me and let me find peace.”

As I finished my prayer I thought back to the day our picture was taken in the garden.

I smiled as she stroked my cheek with the back of her hand and leaned in to kiss me. “I can’t believe it’s officially been a year since we met in this garden. I know it’s been challenging to keep this a secret and it sucks that we only see each other in church and school but I want you to know that I look forward to the day’s where you and I will be together surrounded by different people. I’m proud baby. No more prayers for love, I’ve already found it.”

I stared at my beautiful girlfriend before pressing my lips against hers and just like the rose garden I found something else that felt like home.

I turned over onto my back and took a deep breath to take in the sweet and wet smell of the roses. I twisted the orange medicine container around in my hand and smiled as I looked up at the blue sky. There was not a cloud in sight as I sent one last silent prayer.

“You sinned and for that god will- “

“Will not forsake me, he will continue to love me the same way he loves you. No matter what you or anyone else says I will always know that he gave me a second chance at life. So, go ahead doctor, do what you do best and send me off to an institution or some camp that tortures people like me so we stay straight. No matter what you do I will hold onto my love for my girlfriend and the God I follow.”

“Noel- “

There was a knock on the door signaling the times up for our session.

“Psalms scripture one hundred eighteen verse six, read it over. First John four verse nineteen, then make your decision. If you chose to send me somewhere then you read it wrong.”

With Noel, back in her hospital bed Dr. Hail pulled out her worn out red bible from her service bag and quickly flipped to the what seemed like the only pages that didn’t have any highlighted words.

Psalm 118:6

The Lord is on my side; I will not fear. What can a man do to me?

1 John 4:19

We love because he first loved us.