Can You Be Gay and Straight at the Same Time?

The human experience is incredibly complex, and something that we fail to accurately define no matter how hard we try (and we do truly try to define everything.) As a society, it can sometimes feel as though we have embarked upon an endless pursuit of meaningless, redundant labels to explain every thought and feeling human beings have. However, for some people labels are an incredibly important part of their experience, and that can offer an insight into parts of themselves they previously didn't know how to understand. Labels can serve as the explanation people feel like they ought to have for their behaviour. In such a restrictive society, labels can actually allow for the self-expression a person would otherwise have felt uncomfortable with.

Having been a very confused young adult, I have previously researched just about every identity that I could find in an attempt to find where I "fit". But, it wasn't until yesterday that I was reminded of some labels that we very rarely talk about, and that, seemingly, most people had no idea existed.

This week's episode of The Guilty Feminist (a podcast hosted by Deborah Frances-White) had an amazing panel of people that included Ellen Jones, a young LGBTQ+ activist previously recognised with a Stonewall Award; Rosie Jones, a gay actor and comedian with cerebral palsy; and Kemah Bob, a queer comedian of colour. In a discussion about a friend of Kemah's who dates (and has sexual relationships with) women but can only bring herself to, "fxck men", Rosie Jones offered the explanation that her friend may be bisexual but homoromantic. The suggestion that we should separate romantic attraction and sexual attraction quite frankly blew Deborah's mind, and a quick survey of the room proved that not only had the majority of the audience never heard of this concept, but their sexual attractions and romantic attractions didn't in fact align.

I was shocked to hear that it was a concept that barely anyone was aware of, and saddened that so many people were unable to express a particular facet of their identity for so long. Deborah Frances-White often discusses on the podcast the possibility that she might be pan or bisexual, but her marriage to Tom Salinsky and the fact that she hasn't ever dated women prompted her to say that, for the sake of argument, she was straight, because to the outside world that's exactly how she's perceived.

If you feel as though these labels are just another unnecessary addition to our vocabulary and that we should stop trying to define people, then I imagine you are either wildly comfortable with your sexuality but unable to empathize with others or your sexuality has been something that has been labeled and clear for years. What needs to be understood is that without these labels people are denying themselves positive life experiences. Perhaps if Deborah had known that she was pan or biromantic but heterosexual (as she suggested in the latest show), she could have had a romantic relationship with a woman or gender queer person without feeling as though there was a pressure to have sexual contact with that person, without feeling as though she was some kind of fraudulent bisexual.

The current terminology used by the general population really only refers to when a person's sexual and romantic attractions can fall under the same bracket. When we say "straight" we mean heterosexual and heteroromantic, when we say "gay" we mean homosexual and homoromantic. In this sense, you can't really be both gay and straight at the same time. But heterosexual and homoromantic? That's entirely possible and our society doesn't currently allow for a healthy expression of that. Let's stop insinuating that people are confused or that they need to make up their minds and stick to a label currently accepted in our society and just let humans have relationships with other humans, no matter what that might entail.