Can You Blame Me for Loving You This Much Yet Keep Myself Away From You Instead of Chasing You?

Summary

We've dated for five years and had been on and off for ridiculous reasons. I had a lot of reasons why I should had just ended it but I got used to chasing after her. Every time she said "it's over" I blocked her on social media and tried to save money to move somewhere else because it's just so unbearable, but no matter what, you can't run away from your problems.

I had way too much to drink one night that I kept rehearsing what I'd say to her the next time I had seen her. It's been three months since we had broken off. Three miserable months of my life.

I dare not to drink but was convinced by friends only for me to find someone else but everyone I'd find were nothing but bad news. I hold so much pain inside of me that I dream of how I feel every night. Drinking only brought them into this world and made me drive to her house at three in the morning. I was never meant to drink, but to this day I hope you let me stay for more than five years.

Tipsy, I walked to your house knowing I'm not suppose to be there, but my body was on autopilot and I had missed you so much.

The lights from your garage were on, that I looked through the window with intentions of going inside and heard your dad's car running while it filled the place with smoke.

Luckily the garage doors were opened and the smoke quickly oozed out when I lifted them open. On the floor next to the car was a water hose that was poorly set up. It must have fallen out of the exhaust as whoever wanted to die closed the door. The other end of the hose was at the drivers window, as expected, but to my drunken surprise I find you sleeping behind the wheel.

You probably cried yourself to sleep instead of noticing that the car wasn't filling up with smoke. I was so drunk I nearly broke the car's window by yanking on the hose. I got the door opened, and quickly turned off the car.

Without checking your pulse, I lift you out and head towards your kitchen, turning off the lights from the garage.

I was almost completely drunk but I managed not to topple things over or make any loud noises as I head towards your room upstairs.

I gently laid you on your bed, then took off our shoes and pants. Your heavy bedsheets sheltered is from the cold and I placed my arm over your waist with my thumb pressed against the palm of your hand. I feel you fix your head on your pillow as you grip my thumb and slowly fell asleep.

Please be ok...

It was over because you kept thinking you were the cause of my pain, and though you were a pain, it wasn't as painful as losing you. This pain was something I can handle, something I had to learn to live because it was an episode you were going through. You just needed some guidance or someone to make you forget about your problems. I just wished you had trusted me a little more.

We were both barely on our own after high school, getting the taste of adulthood knowing we needed jobs just to buy the things we need and want but realizing that life isn't all about trying to become prom king and queen. High school was over and life started now, I just wished you'd see it that way.

Parents are a Hell of a thing; they want us to have what they never had but to be real I would rather have discipline than be spoiled or spoil my own children.

I hated being told what to do because "it kept me safe" and I hated not being able to express myself completely. When I'm with you all I could think of is holding you like tonight and starting a new life on the waking morrow.

Will you be there with me?

I bet you were scared the moment you woke up, thinking your dad would get on your case like they did with O.J Simpson showing no mercy and armed to the teeth, but I wondered what went through your head once you saw me next to you in bed.

Did you stare at me the entire time you were up? Was it ok for me to hold your hand that same morning? Can you tell that I had missed you as my breath smelled of alcohol and I still had my jacket on?

This afternoon she had told me that I had left the garage doors and kitchen door opened that a squirrel had made its way to her fathers peanuts. Her father thought he had been drinking last light since it had also smelled of alcohol and that he had left both doors opened by accident. A family photo was found on the floor, but luckily it wasn't shattered, and no one had known what Courtney had tried to do that same night.

We were outside the entire evening, tending to her small farm of goats. Fixing fences and cleaning their huts. After several hours of chores we had walked downtown to the nearest diner and had ourselves a meal.

She had told me that it wasn't working out with anyone she had met, that everyone ended up leaving her for someone with bigger breasts, or because she was somehow "boring" which I found hard to believe.

After a few sad stories I ended up doing what I do best, told funny stories. Made fun of each other, someone else or someone made up. Like we did when we were once together.

I wondered if they had ever seen her the way I do, a never ending journey with lots to explore. The person that makes me forget that I hate mornings, the one I so desperately need to kiss right now.

It got late and we started walking home. It became quiet between us, probably because we were debating where I would be tonight.

Meeting face-to-face on her front porch, we awkwardly paced around.

"...so," I said with an awkward smile, "I guess this is goodnight?"

"I guess..."

A moment of silence later, she held her arm as she looked down awkwardly. I was too afraid to ask if I could spend the night, I don't know what we were at the moment and what I can do without appearing obsessed or a jerk that "knew" what she had wanted.

I decided to just give up, as if she had had enough for one day.

"I'll see you around ok?"

She looked at me with a worried face then nodded. "Ok."

I made my way to my car, feeling so depressed that my chest started to crumple up like a sheet of paper. It was becoming hard to breath and my eyes dried up as if they wanted to cry but had no tears left because of how painful it was to say goodbye. It was over, she had stated that before and I didn't wanted to do the same mistake thinking we were back together only to find out it was a miserable mistake. I wanted to desperately die.

But I never knew it was hard for her to call my name as I left her porch. It felt as if needles were in her throat, her lungs choked on air and her arms were chained by Death that dragged her inside her depressed life. She wobbled towards me, reaching her arms like a toddler learning how to walk and though it was hard to speak she finally called me out. "Dom."

I turned around and quickly held her before she fell to her knees.

"Please," she whimpered, "please don't go."

I don't know where these tears came from but they were flooding my face as she had a tsunami on hers. I held her tightly, holding her head onto my shoulder and trying to be as close as possible. My heart felt as if it hasn't been beating in ages until now. I felt as if I wanted to desperately live and survive.

"Never..."