Captain Creeper

I've always been put off by the idea of dating, I'm more of a "love at first sight" kind of person. My friends and family often poked fun at this, believing me overly selective. They thought if a guy seemed nice and was reasonably attractive, that I should,"stop being such a snob and give him a chance." Let me be clear, I wasn't a gold digger or excessively shallow type, but I didn't want to waste time with anyone with whom I didn't share that special spark! I suppose my friend's lectures eventually wore me down though, priming me for the events I'm about to share.

I was at a graduation party when I met Ryan. He was standing behind me in the buffet line as I scanned the dishes for anything meatless. "So, you're vegetarian" he said peeking around my left shoulder. "Yes, and I was just going to invite you to get in front of me because I take a while to decide." He paused, "There's no need. I'm enjoying the view; you're a very attractive woman." I was flattered of course, and began to inquire about this mystery man.

Our short exchange continued as I filled my plate with spaghetti and string beans almondine. I told him I was a dance major, and learned he was an art teacher. Eventually, Ryan asked if we could get together. I wasn't particularly attracted to him, but he seemed kind and artistic. Maybe I'd make a new friend. Plus, I would show my girlfriends, that I was actually giving someone a chance.

A few days had passed when Ryan called. Instead of, "Hello." I was greeted with a lengthy explanation of how he would've called sooner, but feared appearing desperate. I interrupted him, "Ryan, if someone wants to talk to another person he or she should just call. There's no worry of looking desperate with me." I'd spoken perhaps, too soon.

The next day my phone rang once again. "So our date is tomorrow. I wanted to check in and make sure you weren't planning on wearing anything too revealing because I'd like for you to meet my mother. Also because I have been known to kiss the more tender areas of the body." After a long pause I explained that he'd no reason for concern as I didn't usually dress revealing, and that I'd like to meet his family. Still, I found it weird he'd check up on my outfit, and the thought of him kissing anything of mine was making my skin crawl! As I was thinking how things couldn't have felt more awkward, he hit me with, "What do you think of us wearing color coordinated outfits for our date?" Had he been joking, I'd have cracked up into laughter with him, but he was serious. I quickly ended the call.

Laying in bed that night, I thought of our impending date, the whole idea of which made me want to flee the country. I should have cancelled but I never want to hurt anyone's feelings. Plus, I was giving someone a chance!

The next morning I was awakened by my ringer. It was Ryan. Again. He explained that he'd be arriving to pick me up at 7pm sharp, and that he may or may not have been bringing me something special. I already couldn't wait for this date to be over.

At 7pm sharp the doorbell rang, my mom answered. Before I could peek out to greet him and tell him I'd be down shortly, Ryan unleashed an unbearably smarmy monologue onto my mother and grandmother, kissing both of their hands. I slid down my bedroom wall wondering what I had gotten myself into. I was about to find out.

As I descended down the steps there was a thickness in the air, resistance holding me back. Why had I agreed to this stupid date? My mom met me at the foot of the stairway and hugged me goodbye. I whispered desperately into her ear, "Say you need me to stay home, that someone just died of cancer sooner than expected. Just make up a name!" She refused, and so I went.

Ryan and I proceeded to his car. I observed him walking ahead to open my door, which I appreciated. Chivalry is after all, a lost art. Before opening my door he stopped in his tracks and stated in an obnoxious and loud tone. "I wonder who put that there?" I looked to see a single rose had been set on his windshield. "Oh, thank you. I love roses." I collected my flower and placed it in my near empty water bottle.

As we embarked on our journey to the movies I was pretty uncomfortable; however, we were going to see "The Haunting" which to me was exciting because I adore Liam Neeson. I closed my eyes, wishing a man more like the handsome actor was taking me on a date. Instead, I had the company of Captain Creeper in the driver's seat.

Once inside, I figured the movie would serve as a nice buffer between us. I was fully immersed in the storyline when I noticed Ryan three inches from my face just staring at me. To make matters more uncomfortable he unleashed the old "pseudo-yawn" and placed his arm around me.

Much to Ryan's chagrin, on our way out of the theatre, his little sister and her friend came running up to us. "Ryan, I want Sno-caps and dad didn't give me enough money! Do you have five dollars?" I stood there smiling. Ryan's sister was much younger, maybe 12. I assumed he'd give her a few dollars and wish her a fun night.

Instead, Ryan lashed out at the top of his lungs into a public fit of rage. The next thing I knew, Ryan was screaming in this high pitched voice,"Son of a bitch! I'm trying to create a romantic evening and you've ruined everything!" Everyone was staring in our direction. I froze, holding in my laughter. I was taken aback that he would scream at this little girl, and in shock that a man's voice could reach that high without helium inhalation.

"Sorry about that." Ryan said as he replaced his wallet. I made light of it, "Oh, she's just a kid, and you know the movies aren't romantic anyway." He seemed bothered by my statement, but said nothing.

When we returned to the car Ryan immediately began driving towards his house, where I met his mother. She and I had a brief and casual conversation. It was anticlimactic, but I was yearning to return home.

On what was supposed to be the drive home, Ryan expressed disappointment at my desire to end our date. He asked if I'd be willing to go somewhere and talk. I agreed to his request, reluctantly. Ryan drove us to the lake, which at night was pitch black and completely isolated.

It was there he planted on me a very strong and passionate kiss. You know how before a first kiss there's that mildly nervous giddiness? The kiss is supposed to happen and you want it to, but you're a little skittish. There was none of that because there was no desire on my part to even hold hands with this person let alone share an intimate kiss. In spite of his soft lips, I wished I could rewind time and prevent Ryan's unwelcome tongue inviting itself into my mouth. I felt a certain sense of dread when his next words were, "When can I see you again?"

Some girls, sensing Ryan's instability would've tried to soften the blow, but I wanted to be respectful and crystal clear. "I like you only as a friend, not romantically. It's not because I think you're ugly or anything, I just don't see you and me as a couple. I see us only in a platonic way." With that, Ryan burst into tears. I'm not talking about mildly hurt feelings, I mean sobbing and wailing. "You're lying. You don't want to be my friend. How could you just walk out of my life tomorrow? I can't take this! I'm going to kill myself! I don't want to live anymore!"

The loud screams and sobs continued for several minutes. I'd really done it. There I was, surrounded by nothing but nature and someone who was emotionally unstable, and claiming to be suicidal all in the name of giving someone a chance. I couldn't have run home, and my cell phone had no service. Alongside my fear, I was also sad because I knew Ryan had serious issues. We'd never even had a long meaningful talk; we'd probably spoken to each other for a grand total of twenty minutes total, and solely about our date. Yet there he was telling me he wanted to take his life because I didn't feel romantically towards him. I'd tried to be fair, and it went terribly awry.

I took a deep breath. "Look, I'm afraid. Please take me home." I'd hoped Ryan, who seemed well intentioned, would realize that he'd gotten carried away. Maybe it would blow over. Some time would pass, and he'd apologize. We'd meet people with whom we shared mutual attraction, and Ryan and I could double date. He'd be the pleasant guy I'd met at the party. I really did believe in second chances, in this case because I was 18 and extremely naive. As I was to discover, a second chance was not in the cards.

Ryan angrily twisted his key in the ignition, starting the car. Speaking through gritted teeth in a low growling manner, he said, "Take you home? I'd be happy to take you home. I don't need people like you in my life. You're pretty outside, but deep down, you're a bad person. You're stuck up, and one of the worst people I've ever known." I'd been called a few names in my life, but never a bad person. It was a bit jarring.

I feared for my safety, shaking throughout the drive. When Ryan dropped me off, I felt I had to say something. "The movie was great. I guess you and me...not...you know...not a match. Good luck in your teaching career. I'm also not a bad person just because I have a different type. I didn't mean to lead you on in any way, and before you were mean I did want to give us a chance to be friends." With that I ran into the house and hugged my family tighter than ever before.

Given that I made it home safely, this ridiculous date has been the subject of many laughs. Following my experience with Ryan, I wisely decided that my practice of only agreeing to spend time with a man if and when I felt that spark, was one I'd return to and stick with. It's a value that lead me to my husband. I recommend others do the same, and never agree to a date if they feel uncomfortable. #myworstdate