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Chocolate and Heartaches

Come July it will be worth it.

You're gone.

And it hurts that you're gone. We had a connection. A good one of some sort. Something that I recognized, at least. 

From our duets to our piano sessions, to working together to help someone out, even to our fun, long-winded conversations about everything and anything whenever we'd see each other, we had fun doing so, and life was good. Exciting. Fulfilling. 

And for the first time in such a long time, I was happy. I had you for the moment. A friend. Someone whom I got to know as an individual, not just as a person with a job to do. 

I knew everything would be temporary for the moment, but I was just trying to live in the now, even though it was hard when there was only so much I could do. 

I didn't realize it would be over so soon. 

Once upon an October day, you came walking into my life so unexpectedly, and once upon a damp, April evening, you drove away for the last time. No looking back, no tears, no emotion, nothing except a farewell and an exit. As if you were numb. As if you were trying to distance yourself from us — from me. 

I pray it is because you're going to miss me, and not for something negative. 

I just need to not doubt you. 

I was the one that collapsed when you left. The one who had a long night, tossing and turning, and sobbing, because I knew you'd be gone the next morning, gone without a trace, except for memories I hold dear to my shattered heart. 

I must sound pathetic. Childish, maybe? Too sensitive? Too far broken? I should be used to this situation now, right? Used to people like you coming in for a short amount of time, serving, teaching, developing relationships with those around you, and then suddenly leaving. 

I get used to it, and I know it's coming, and usually I'm able to move on and not feel so completely broken. 

But then I met you. And it will be so much harder to move on without you around.

I know that this too shall pass. And I look forward to the day where I am able to see you emerge through the doors, making eye contact with me and smiling. I will smile back. I will run to you. 

And I look forward the moment where I get to hug you tight, without breaking any rules. 

Without being scared of what you'll think, because this moment will be our now, and it will be beautiful; I know it. 

You changed me for the better. You taught me patience, love, happiness, self worth, faith, hope—you taught me to have hope for a good future. You taught me to not give up, to work on my talents, to try new things and to have an opened mind and heart. 

You taught me that it's okay to not be right all the time, that it doesn't make me a fool.  

July is not too far, and I am counting down the days until I see you again. 

And although I miss you, it's worth it. 

A broken, bruised person like me, who doesn't let herself get too attached to people, and who has a hard time trusting others, found someone who made her smile. Who helped her enjoy life, who helped her jump at opportunities. 

Who taught her to love herself, because you showed love to me, as if I truly was a person worth getting to know. 

You changed my mind about myself. I walk taller now, and more confident than I had before, because you gave me a sense of worth from your words, actions, and personality.

You are a person worth missing. 

Read next: 20Gayteen
Faith Zielinski
Faith Zielinski

I LOVE writing. I am headed to BYU -Idaho in September, and I will be studying art. 

Working out is my go-to when life gets complicated. So is writing. 

Daydreaming is a hobby that keeps me hopeful for good things to come. 

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