Choices

As he walked, he thought about the fun he thought he was having in his prime. He was trying to live his life and enjoy it. But, he was only thinking about himself when he was out having fun.

He was still young at heart. He was also filled with resentment against the world. Anger from his childhood. It felt like the world owed him. He felt like he could do whatever he wanted to make himself feel better when he was feeling down.

She always knew about it.

But her strength didn’t always allow her to speak on it.

She had to keep her focus and her family together.

When he was home, he cared for his family too. At least he made it seem that way. He was full of “I love you”s and hugs and kisses... but...now...

He was on a road to an unknown place. The road stretched as far as his eyes could see. There was nothing around but grass, rocks, and hills. Not a building, not a tree, not a soul of life. He imagined she must have felt like this, abandoned, on those drunken nights. She didn’t like what he was doing to himself. His well-being meant a lot to her, and she tried to calm him down from it. He did what he wanted, though.

He often told her that she had done nothing wrong. It was just who he was. This was who he HAD been. He would comfort her. Yet, he kept doing it. He kept lying about it too.

He walked and felt pains in his legs. His back began to ache and his chest hurt. He never believed that karma really existed. But he thought about how she must have felt. Stress and anxiety of knowing what he was doing those late nights. The women he chatted with on the daily. Having to hold things in to manage the peace in the home. The pain she must have really been in until she finally got fed up. She must have held on to her feelings and thoughts for quite some time before she just couldn’t allow herself to be used anymore.

Why didn’t she verbalize her concerns more? It was pointless, though. They would argue, like they did before this.

Maybe he really did love her, he just didn’t know how to be truly loyal, loyal like she was. She had been there and done that in her younger years. But she was grown now, she was his. He wasn’t aware that his actions were disrespecting their family. He was being selfish. And with that, he wasn’t ready to be the man he thought he wanted to be.

A husband.

A father.

The captain.

He walked, and walked. He felt like he would never get anywhere. He was completely alone. No help from anyone. His choices led him here and he knew it.

He had regrets.

Dark roaring clouds rapidly covered the sky, and before he knew it he was soaked with rain. He felt heavy from the pressure. He wondered if she felt this heavy at times. The pressure she surely had to deal with. She worked, she paid the bills, she cooked, she cleaned, she fucked him when he wanted it. He was taken care of. But she got tired of it.

It was raining so hard now that it began flooding. Water levels had reached up to his knees. He was starting to give up. He had tears of anger running down his face with the rain. With clinched fists he stopped walking and began yelling.

Dropping to the ground on his knees, the water was at his throat and quickly rising. He yelled at the world. As he realized he was owed nothing, that he made his decisions which led to his consequences, he yelled at himself. And he drowned in his own selfishness.