Choices: Shameless or Valiant, They Are Mine

Let me overthink with you. Let me merely exist with you. I want to be there during your nonchalance and effortless phase, just being able to be near you feels more real than being myself. Let me blend with you, performing the simple tasks just to spend time with you. Just let me exist with you, even if right now I'm not the one for you and you aren't the one for me... just let me breathe with you and enjoy having you around.

I want it to be like parasites in a mutual relationship, where we both gain something at the expense of the other; I just haven't figured out yet which one of us is the host. If not me, then don't worry, I won't stay attached to long, the last thing I want to be is a nuisance.

Despite that, I want access to your full humanity and the broad spectrum of the colors that make you and sustains you. I want you to be human with me, and to feel free to express yourself to me. I want your vulnerability, your flaws major and minor and your moments, triumphant and despondent. I want you to feel free to exhale around me, and I refuse to take the blame of wanting to be around you. It's not my fault that you feel like sunlight and that I'm craving your warmth so much I would rather risk burning.

The choices I make may be shameless, but they are mine and if I get burned, at least the fire raging within me will be sustaining me. I will not regret the experience, and I will not discontinue in spite of you. I hope the memories created stay seared in your subconscious, and that any moment you smell warmth you think of me. Because honestly, I carry no animosity, just an awareness of my vulnerability. Because at some point I wanted you to become dust with me, but for that to be a reality, one has to want more than just burned memories, and time spent merely because of convenience.

There are two words that commonly get misspelled because of how similar they look to me, even though the meaning of the words could not be more different. One means without a doubt, while the other word means showing open resistance or bold disobedience, both are taking a stand for something. So I am choosing you, definitely in defiance of our glaring incompatibility, in lieu of my better judgment, because the most often fought rebellion is the one that’s within us, between our heart and our minds.

I want my efforts never to be a nuisance, instead I want you to learn all my subtly nuances, and to learn to love them like they are your own. I am choosing vulnerability, despite me being unabashed in my shamelessness. I encourage you to trust me and never stop wanting to breathe the same air as me, not only grow old, but also grow in love with me, and when I age into someone new, I ache and yearn for you to love her too. With all her flaws and her wrinkles, as if she was someone you have never stopped caring for, and shamelessly I want us to think of each other, and to become like bitter herbal tea to each other, real and curative with just a bit of salt so that we can savor all the flavors, not just the sweet notes.

Above all else, whenever your moments get too heavy, I just want you to trust me to help you carry it, instead of having me watch you get crushed by it. In spite of my best efforts, I can’t save you from you. I have bared myself to you in full, raw and bleeding and pleading and attempting to make headway into a situation, but am I selfish in expecting you to give more than you ever have before, especially since it has been me leading the way? The choices I make may be shameless, but they are mine. The regrets I have may be many, but they are mine. The moments I create may be fleeting, but they are mine. In spite of whether my skin ever grows back and I end up remaining raw, I refuse to feel ashamed for wanting to be wanted.