Choose You

Abuse. It isn't found in only romantic partnerships, though that is the cliche. It's found in familial relationships, friendships. Just one experience is poisonous. If surrounded by too much of it, it can drain you dry.

Just like any drug, you can overdose on abuse of any type. Verbal, mental, emotional, and physical. Though all but the latter are less obvious. Many abuse victims don't know they are being abused unless physically harmed.

The number one leading cause of suicide next to depression is abuse. It kills. It bleeds your sense of self from you until all you can hear is the voice of your abuser in your head telling you every imaginable negative criticism. "You're worthless." "You're so lazy." "You're dumb." "Why can't you think for yourself?" "You screw everything up." "You'd never make it without me." Just some of the most common strings of insults abusers use to weigh down their victim's sense of self-worth. Creation of internal conflict, self-doubt, self-loathing, and depression. Any insult or personal attack is abuse. Any. Even if said as a joke.

One in four women have been or are being abused. Which means if it isn't you, someone you know is and is suffering in silence.

I used to be one of them. I married and had children with my abuser. All it took to set him off was to forget to do something or just a bad mood in general. Trouble at work or grumpy when getting up and I was insulted and/or threatened to be left. If you are someone with self-confidence, you're looking at your screen saying "So what? If he is that bad, let him leave. You just freed yourself from his mess."

It was never so easy. He'd filed down my confidence level to near nothing and made me dependent on him, financially, so I couldn't just leave. He also threatened me with my kids. That they would choose him over me to live with or that he would make my life Hell in a custody fight, he'd win because I was a horrible mother, and he'd take them across the country where I could only see them supervised so I couldn't take them and run.

I tried to leave a few times, but he always reeled me back with the promise to be better. I always believed. Every single time.

I was stupid, I know. But I wasn't just fighting him, I was fighting with myself. The part of me that loved the good part of him. The part of me that doubted I could get by without him, the depression, the anxiety.

I don't even remember having anxiety before him but as we progressed, I became worried over everything to the point of obsessing and hyperventilation.

It took something more than the abuse for me to walk away for good. Stripping me down to nothing but a shell plus complete and total humiliation for me to walk.

After I got out, I started to see abuse everywhere: among friends and family. My mother was in an abusive relationship, my friends and all I could do was sit idly by and watch because no amount of warnings fruitated in their mind. All of them brainwashed and blinded by love, powerless against their own feelings regardless of how it meant for them to be treated, to leave. I came to the stunting conclusion you can't help someone who doesn't want it. They were as I had once been. Stuck between their own misery, the lies being fed them, and their own delusion of love.

I once thought leaving my ex made me free. From him, yes. But abuse is everywhere. It's in family that makes you feel like less than a person because they don't agree with or support your choices. It's in that boss that comes down a little too hard on you when you make a mistake. It's in that friend that makes jokes at your expense and regularly makes their jokes into insults about you.

They all may sound small and harmless but each one eats at your inner self like acid wash on paint. Little by little, you lose yourself in their shaming. You lose sight of every positive trait you possess. You lose your joy, your anticipation for the future. You slip into an abyss of depression. Your voice is drowned by the voices of your critics. You worry over the next incident, you worry over the next trigger and try fitfully to avoid it but never to an avail. The harder something is avoided, the more likely you are to do it.

Many women, when they realize they are being abused and have yet to leave, stay, waiting for someone to rescue them. I'm here to tell you there's no white knight that will miraculously ride in and sweep you out of your situation. While there may have been a select few that helped the process with the regaining of my self-confidence, I saved myself. Don't wait for a Savior. Be your own.

Today, can I tell you I'm cured? No. I still have anxiety. It will never fully go away. I still get nervous about angering someone I care about. Forgetting things is a trigger for me because it was something I was degraded for regularly. Finances, also because of all the times my ex put us in financial ruins by his careless choices and we were homeless.

It's just one lasting effect left on me by my abuser. Regardless of what you hear, lack of physical abuse doesn't exemplify abusive speech. It scars too, gradually chipping away at the heart and mind.

But I can say that life became easier when I stopped living under his thumb and I was back on control. I don't have a partner anymore, so while a lot of women might fear that in itself and use that as a reason to stay, the freedom and serenity of an abuse free environment are well worth it.

I've learned boundaries with others and to not accept anything less than healthy bonds. I've learned to protect myself and my children above all else, keeping walls around myself and to always proceed with caution when entering new relationships. Most of all, the art of letting go of those who are not healthy for me.

Never believe you are obligated to be abused to keep a relationship whether it be romantic, friend or family. Never. If they respect and value you as a person, they won't treat you in a way that is damaging. Set boundaries for yourself by what is acceptable and what is not. Offenders, cut them out of your life. You are not bound by blood, time or even shared children to keep a toxic relationship. Be brave. Be a warrior. You are in a war and it's you or them. For once, when it really counts, choose you.