Cliché

One-part promethazine; two-parts Vicodin; four-parts cannabis~ I'm out like a light… physically. But like the embers that burn after a freshly dead fire, I thrive within. I may have trouble typing my words, but in my mind, I dance amongst my thoughts. I am their queen, dressed in wisdom and silk; I control their destiny. I control what may be shared, I control what can never escape.

Now, I share my story. A story to tell while on various drugs. A story that recently crawled into my life. Experiences that hurt and squeeze my aching heart; to move on, I must let it out. Listen with your eyes, and hear my words in your head as you journey alongside me in a cliché teenage wonderworld that's been struck upon by the one dearest to me. How cliché.

They tell you how much you mean to them. They tell you that no matter what, you can tell them anything. Finally sobering up from such a daydream, I realize that there are some things you should keep to yourself.

September 2014. A breakup from my first really serious relationship. Some kisses shared here, shared there.

I met them. The group. Ellis, Reece, and Nathan. I had known Ellis and Reece since forever ago, but Nathan was new. They came over. I looked at Nathan, finding something peculiar inside my head for him. Him and I began, but my head was denying it and my head chose Ellis instead.

Being with Ellis - hardly being with Ellis - was the beginning of me. The beginning of my actions, the lack of reason and the superfluous amount of nothingness hiding behind a curtain. Shocker. We weren't together, but our lips were. Cliché. We went to a football game. My hand is burning with clichés. Nathan was there, sitting aside a girl. My head hurt looking at them. I saw her kiss him. Pain. Please, let it be over.

The game ended shortly and so did Nathan and the girl. What my head and my heart didn't know was that much of what they saw that hurt them was unwarranted by Nathan. "Some horny little Freshman," he called her. He never spoke to her again.

We left together, the group and I. Reece, Ellis, Nathan. Reece and Nathan paired up and walked to her car, Ellis and I the remainder from the division. A kiss from Ellis, next to my driver’s side door. So. Cliché.

Druggies. Ellis and Nathan. "Promise me you won't do them when I'm near. Don't be high when we're together." How ironic to be here now, loaded on caffeine pills and weed. Druggies. Ellis and Nathan and Sarah. What a happy family. If only.

~~~

I hate tonight. I hate my feelings and I hate the jealousy and the hurt. I hate how much hate I have. Why the fuck can't I let go? I hate how not being sober makes my ugliness come out. I hate him.

What am I doing right now you ask? I'm sitting approximately 60.8216 feet away from him. Fucking... him. Why do I allow the feelings? I just want a good night, I want to sit high and happy and haunted by fake Halloween horror actors, not haunted by the memories, the wondering why I even said I was okay with hanging out as just friends. He's ruining my everything. He's hindering my freedom from him and I can't have it.

Oh shit he's walking this way…

My heart is shattered.

My sullen thoughts divide. Multiply. They're taking over. I am being over reigned and I am no longer their queen. I am nothing. I stand alone amongst fake jokes and smiles. Please. Enough heartbreak...

~~~

The time that sits between Ellis and me is short and I feel like shit when I say it, when I embrace it, but I fell for Nathan even more shortly after. I fell hard and fast and without cushion beneath me. My head shatters, and the impact takes me to outer space. I'm lost in the stars, the beauty of love. Exciting, real love that takes you by surprise.

Changes. The influence transforms me. First hit of Mary Jane. Maybe another. Maybe another. Uncontrollable.

Sold from me was my innocence, my virginity, and my soul. Once guarded, protected by shackles. The chains disintegrate, and I'm left wondering what the fuck happened as my heart leaps away into him.

We made love in the backseat of my car, at a park. It was cramped, and awkward, but everything felt right. Even now, I don't regret it. I don't regret him.

Months and months of happiness. Of drugs. Of sex. Of love. So real and so complicated it made my head spin. Spinning way too fast.

Surgery. Recovery. Pain.

School, eating me away like a desperate dog picking at bones. From the inside out.

I hid the bad feelings. I kept them within to poison my mind so that we were happy. Maybe I should tell him?

Frozen. Stuck in an emotional tornado, dragging Nathan in with me. He was unwilling. I was insane.

Fight after fight after fight. Cracks spidered out along the glass, thin and weak. The torture of not feeling loved, not feeling like he wanted to care; it drove into me hard.

The breakup. The end of us as we were, but the beginning of something new.

I hung up, feeling instant regret. Give him space. He took it and ran, ran so far away from the tornado. Left forgotten.

Begging, manipulation, trying to drag him back in. We were strangers. It was no use.

The release. Overindulgence in everything I missed from him: sex, drugs, lying. I drank it until I was drunk and even more still. 3 guys became 6 guys became 13 guys. Weed became oxy became cocaine. The higher the number, the lower I felt.

He found her. Lauren. Young and cute and lucky. I found them, walking after school. Obsessed, I sought them out. Every day. Every day, I found them. Together.

Jealousy. Outrageous jealousy intertwined with the fear that I may never lose the feelings. Stuck in limbo forever.

Friendship. Two awkward strangers, once in love. Walking along a bridge, smoking a cigarette. 2 cigarettes. 3. Wanting so badly to look into his eyes, but forcing to look away. It grew slowly. We grew slowly.

The breakup. I sat across from Nathan at the park we made love at, hearing him tell me he ended things with, the words slam against my heart. I could have sworn it was a heartbeat fluttering.

It was so easy. Everything was comfortable. I felt free. We made love that night.

Spring break. New drugs, old love yet new love. My love snuck unto me once more. Sneaking out, adventuring and enveloping myself with his presence. He was everything good.

He was everything bad. 6 people at the park. Cops came. And then there were 4. Sydney was 18, and taken to the station. I lost her that night. My best friend. My person.

Next day. The blame crushes me. Radio silence. She loses me. Hiding the pain, trying to make him and I happy. But we were already again strangers. It was no use. He ended it. He's not worth it. He's bad for me. He's doing me a fucking favor.

He used me like drugs to feel whole; he injected himself with my embrace and smile and company. He didn't realize the drugs were addicted to him.

More begging. Why the fuck do I beg? Why do I annoy and pester and change from black to white. Why doesn't he want me in his life? That's all I wanted. Maybe I thought he could feel the same.

But the mistake was dating me. I caused the pain, after all the effort of masking it. Who knew emotions could cut like knives.

3 weeks later. Broken, self-hatred gnawing at my inner core. I'm better. Hiding the pain. We will never be happy together. Never.

Alone. Familiar faces are near, but all I see is Nathan. No Nathan. So. Fucking. Alone.

FIN?