'Closet Boys'

Everyone has their struggles, and every relationship has its problems, but same sex relationships have the added pressure of homophobia, which can frighten part of our community and hold them back from being themselves. These “straight” guys dating guys are a slight issue in the way that when an openly gay guy falls hard for them, it can cause a lot of pain. I’m sure it’s the same for lesbian women in the same situation.

It’s a scary experience, coming out. It’s hard for all. I remember at the age of 12 watching “coming out videos” on YouTube, always wondering how my family and friends would take it. I told one of my best friends at the age of 13. I knew he would accept me and he would not dream of treating me any differently. I had that trust in him. But coming to terms with my own sexuality and actually saying the words “I’m gay” is what made me weak at the knees and held me back. My mum told me she knew. She said she knew when I was three. It was easy for her to tell, considering she is also gay. As the years went on, people just gradually found out from word of mouth, but the more people knew, the less I had to hide who I was. But it’s not always that easy.

I’ve been dating this guy for over six months now. I’ve mainly dated closeted guys. I don’t know why? It’s just turned out that way. But this guy is different. I had spoken to him on and off for a year and it took that amount of time to finally convince him to meet me in person six months ago. We got on fine; he was awkward, shy, nervous, but so was I. I wasn’t long out of a relationship of four years. My ex was also in the closet from most of his family, but was open with me around his friends and my family, which made it somewhat bearable. I was scared to meet his family. But anyways, back to “Closet Boy.” As time went on, the more time I spent with him, the closer we got, and the more our feelings developed. He told me that things with him would be difficult and that he has been so independent for so long, not focused on meeting someone, that it would take time for him to get serious... until he told me he loved me. It took me by surprise, but it gave me the indication that it was okay to tell him that I loved him too. He never said it again for a while after that, so naturally, I confronted him, because any time I said it, he never said it back. He told me he was just unsure. In the moment he felt so good that he felt like he loved me, but he doesn’t know what love feels like, so he doesn’t want to say it in case he doesn’t. I told him there’s no way to assure him, to know if he loves me. If he felt like he did and felt confident enough to say it, then it’s probably how he truly feels. We finally got to saying it to each other with the confidence that the other would say it back.

I suffer from anxiety and depression. The slightest things send my mind into a spiral of irrational thinking. I need his constant reassurance that he definitely wants to continue things with me. I get down a lot and until recently, I didn’t know why. But now I do. It’s because I’m a secret. I’m open about him to my friends and my family. On the other hand, I’m not as much a part of his life as I’d like to be. I have to keep our pictures private, and until three weeks ago, he didn’t have me on social media because of his fear of someone getting curious as to why I’m friends with him on Facebook. We can’t go on proper dates without the fear someone will see him, I can’t spend much time with him because he spends a lot of time with friends and I can’t be a part of that because it’s pretty obvious that I’m gay. I want to meet his family, I want to get to know his friends, and I want to be able to go on dates and him not having to worry about lying about where he is going or being seen with me. It’s hard and my friends tell me it’s making me miserable and it’s unfair. But I love him. I don’t want to end everything and to see him with someone else.

He tells me he wants me to be happy, and if that’s without him and with someone else, then that’s okay. He just wants the best for me. But that’s not okay with me. I’m happy when I’m with him, when he’s wrapped around me in my bedroom, when he holds my hand, even just driving around in the car. Just spending time with him brings me so much joy. It’s completely different when I’m not with him. I’m miserable, I overthink, I get anxious when he doesn’t reply for hours, so I double text and he tells me he’s just been busy. But when I’m sitting there and he’s read and hasn’t replied for a while, my mind automatically makes up the worst scenarios in my head and it’s down to my trust issues from previous relationships.

Maybe I’m being selfish? After telling him that I don’t mind waiting for him to be ready that I overestimated what I can handle? I don’t want to push and pressure him if he’s not ready. But at the same time, if I don’t apply a little pressure, he’ll get too comfortable with how we are now; too comfortable with his “secret.” I feel like I’m hiding in the closet with him. I didn’t come out of the closet to be dragged back in by someone who tells me they love me and care for me but cause me so much pain. I can’t leave, because I love him, but I don’t want to get hurt. And by staying, I could be setting myself up to be hurt. Him not being open and out makes it easier for him to walk away. That’s what scares me.