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Coincidence or fate?

Are we really where we are supposed to be?

By Marisa LynnPublished 6 years ago 4 min read
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I have been in love with people who have never seen me. In high school, I could wake up that morning, and do everything for that person in mind. But right when I would pass them in the hallway, I would melt, evaporating like ice on hot pavement. I promise you no one knew me like I knew them. I was quiet, and I genuinely enjoyed the company of others, I just couldn’t bring myself to participate in the moment.

As a child, I loved large family dinners. I would sneak away into my bed, and drift off to the sound of wine-filled laughter. I was content.

A couple of months ago, a man I went to high school with overdosed and lost his life. I was shocked, and horribly saddened. He was so joyful, and friendly. He was one of those kids who was friends with everyone; he had nothing bad to say about anyone. I felt like I knew him, but in reality, I think he maybe spoke to me once. I do remember one day I was wearing my special ballet-pointe-sneakers in class, and he said, “Whoa, how are you doing that?!” I explained, and that was about the extent of our relationship. He was colorfully expressive and animated. Of course, I would have wanted to be his friend.

Eventually, smoking pot aided me in establishing some relationships. I enjoyed the idea of a small community, sharing a secret, and intimate and soulful talks. I really did enjoy it, but I had a baby two years ago, and I have no friends now. I’m not blaming the weed. In fact, I still smoke occasionally. But I do not have the relationships I want. I wanted roommates, and best friends, and casual movie nights, and dates. I am a single mom, and I shamefully question if this is who I should be. Jim Carrey has said, “Depression is your body saying f*ck you, I don’t want to be this character anymore, I don’t want to hold up this avatar that you’ve created in the world. It’s too much for me.” That really resonated with me. But I wonder, " I am a single mother, how much can I change my character?" I cannot drop anything that I am juggling. But I guess that’s something I need to work out with myself.

A little over a month ago, I had a dream. The man who passed away, came to visit me. I walked into a crowded room, slightly uncomfortable. Sitting pensively, with his head bowed between his shoulders, and his hands loosely placed in a praying position, he looked up smiling directly at me. He was waiting for me, and slightly ashamed to have been there. I knew he was gone. I knew the others had to have been looking at me like I was crazy, but I had to see him. I walked up, and I could not describe the warmth I felt when I was there in his presence. Still smiling, I could feel his sorrow. He acted like he still existed in my world. He made jokes, and held my hand, like we had known each other forever. He was waiting for me. For me.

When I woke up, I bawled. Every bit of me ached. I felt like I had lost a part of me. I was embarrassed. I did not know him. I was not his family; I was not his friend. But in this dream, the message I received was that he was not supposed to go. That I was not supposed to be where I was. I felt that we knew each other on a separate timeline. That in another life, we were close friends. What if we were, was it that? Or was it that we both were not where we were meant to be.

What if I hadn’t been so scared to be social? What if I hadn’t gotten pregnant? What if he hadn’t become addicted to heroin? What if I had? Would we still be here? Would he still be gone? What comes next?

Will we ever know if even the smallest decisions in day to day life has made for this exact moment? Or did we go wrong somewhere down the line? When? Did I turn right when I was meant to turn left? Did I stay when I was supposed to leave?

I guess you could question everything. But that sounds exhausting. Instead, I’d love to believe that every decision has lead to this moment. That the next decision cannot be wrong, because it’s yours, and it’s meant to be. I have to believe this, I have to look forward because if I don’t, I will crumble into someone who is barely alive while being blessed with this life. For sh*ts and giggles, let’s all see what tomorrow holds. For those taken from us, and for those who were given to us. For us.

humanity
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About the Creator

Marisa Lynn

Just another human being floatin’ around on this space rock with you 🌌

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