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It has been 18 hours since he walked out that door, he was meant to come back just like every time that we have fought. If I had known this would happen I would have never let him go, he would still be here safe with me. It is my fault, now all I can do is sit here waiting, hoping he will come home.
We always have these stupid fights where say what we don't mean just to annoy the other—it's dumb I know. I was never very confident, how could I be when my whole life I was told that no one would love me I was never accepted? I was thrown from family to family, someone ‘normal’ would always replace me. I grew up believing that id never be enough for anyone. When he came into my life I knew it would be hard especially since he was well known in the city we lived in and there was the small huge detail that we came from different social status. It felt like I had finally found my home, but those dark thought where always there at the back of my mind waiting to be proven right again and no matter what he would say I knew it will always end the same: I would one day be replaced. We were in Greece, visiting his family and friends, and it was all perfect... until about 35 hours ago.
Laying here, waiting, not knowing what to do feels all to much. If I close my eyes I can see him as if he’s right here with me, safe, laughing at my horrible jokes, looking into my eyes and telling me how much he cares for me, and at that moment, I would believe him. Everything was fine until our whole world tumbled like stone. Until his friend came into the picture. She had always liked him—it was very obvious, always wanting his attention, of course he would give it to her, they had been friends for years—but never had he left me alone to go to her. He got up and just left saying he’d be back late. I thought the worst I spent most of the night worrying, wondering. When he finally came back the next day I kept looking for anything that could confirm my suspicions. his hair was messed up like someones hands had gone through it various times, his lips looked like they had been bitten a lot… like someone had bit them. That was all the evidence I needed. I snapped at him I accused him of cheating all I could think of was that I was not enough for him. I was tired of people always hurting me I wanted to make him feel the pain I was feeling I said so many things that I now regret. He never cheated, he went to her, and told her he loved me. Then he had left and gone to his brother's house asking for advice and planing out a surprise for me; he was going to propose. I ruined it, if I had closed my mouth for once and listened to what he had to say—it's my fault he left. What do you do when all that you have has been lost in a day?
I found his cellphone in the bathroom, but I still call it just to hear his voice its the only thing I want to hear. His family comes by every once in a while knocking but I don’t bother opening the door I already know there is no news on were he could be. all I want is for him to be here safe with me were we can protect each other from the world. I want to be able to tease him for his awful puns as he tickles me till I’m begging him to stop I want to erase the last few hours I want to go back to when he was about to walk out that door and grab his arm make him turn around and kiss him tell him I'm sorry that I didn't mean anything I said and listen to what he has to say. Now its to late he's out there in the darkness maybe never coming back…
I've been staring at the hotel ceiling, drinking anything I find to help erase the pain I caused he's been missing for 19 hours now and Im slowly losing hope. is he being hurt? I don't know if I want to know its my fault if he is. There was a witness, a young girl, she told the police that they stabbed him before putting him in the car. the girl blames herself for not trying to stop them but she isn't the one that made him angry and leave the safety of the hotel… she isn't the one that brought tears to his eyes. The girl isn't even 14 of course she would be scared if she saw a group of men harming a person. she isn’t at fault its more thanks to her they know what type of car to look for thanks to her we know he was taken. I'm the one thats been locked up in the place we last spoke drinking everything in the stupid hotel room wearing his hoodie not doing anything to help I'm the one that does every thing wrong.
"I knew I shouldn't have let you go."
Will I ever see him again? Hear him sing again? Cuddle him at night? Hold his hand while watching a movie? I'd give anything to have him here he can be mad, never want to talk to me, break my heart, and say were better off as friends. I prefer that then to not have him at all. If he were here I would sing to him just like I have been doing for the past two years. "Can you hear my heart calling out to you? Where ever you are, just hold on like I’m trying too, don’t you dare leave me lonely." There was nothing I could do, never had I felt so useless as I do right now.
Its been 23 hours. I haven't come out of the room and no one has bothered to try to get me out. I know why, but I ignore it; instead I busy myself with talking to the hotel celling and pretending that he is here. "You remember all the midnight memories? All those times we stayed up all night? The conversations we made in the AM? All the times we were forced to attend those snobbish rich people party and id tell you to take me home? Did I ever tell you that I've loved you since I was 18?"
"I'm sorry I wasn't the boyfriend you deserved. It's my fault this ever happened to you I should of protected you love. I shouldn't have been so stupid. It's too late now and I regret never saying it to you, but I love you."
I sat there empty-hearted, blankly looking at the TV where they had just reported him dead.
*Based on the Song "Hotel Ceiling" by Rixton*