Coming Out

Growing up with a very religious family, I was taught things that I absolutely don’t believe now. I hated every minute of my life being at church. I didn’t really understand why because I had some decent friends there. Since I was little I remember crying, begging my parents to leave me home because I didn’t want to be at church. They never listened to me.

At a very young age I knew that I was different, different in a way I felt I had to hide from my family. Growing up, my father would always say stuff like, “People feel like in every show they have to show a gay couple now” or “Why do they have to ruin such a good movie with this stuff?” (talking about gay characters). In middle school, I kissed a girl for the first time and I LOVED IT, but I also liked kissing guys, so I was confused, and I was confused for a while. Middle school sucked and maybe that has to do with where I went too. They just weren’t open to people who weren’t like them. One girl came out that she was a lesbian and the whole school shut her out. Seeing that, I for sure did NOT want to come out. I wasn’t part of the “cool kids crew.” I was perfectly content with just being me and having some good friends.

It wasn’t until eighth grade that I KNEW I was queer! I liked girls and guys but the way I identified was queer. I felt like that described me the best way a word could. I dated some older girl for a while but kept it a secret from almost everyone except the people I really did care for. Relationships don’t always work out, especially for me because I’m NOT the same person I was in middle school nor am I the same person I was in high school. I hate who I was. I’ve grown so much mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

I remember my parents talking to me about being lesbian and if I liked girls. I was so quiet because I didn’t know if I was supposed to tell them the truth or not say anything. I stuck with not saying anything. They seemed disappointed and said, “We don’t know what we would do if you liked girls. It’s a sin.” UHHHHH FUCK YOU. I remember crying, since that day I told myself that I would never come out to my family, ever.

I didn’t feel comfortable with my sexuality up until college. That’s when I felt the most myself, it was me without religion, parents, and responsibilities. I was free! I started to find myself, find out who I was without the labels that were given to me or assumed by others. I didn’t care who I was hurting along the way of my journey. I was enjoying every minute getting drunk and dancing.

My journey didn’t end there of course, I got a job at a live theatre where I met all kinds of people. People who didn’t come from religious backgrounds, who didn’t have parents, and people who were out and proud. They are literally the reason I keep on going. There were times where I didn’t feel like any part of me belonged in this world. I was so lost and confused and with all the craziness going on in my life I felt like the last thing I needed to worry about was myself.

I wish that I had taken better care of myself when I was younger, I wish that I had given myself the opportunity to really find myself. I wish I didn’t wait so long for everything I wanted to do. Things were so much easier then, and now trying to figure all that out plus work, pay rent, and keep a social life is exhausting. I love myself and I love everything that I am.