Complicated Relationship With My Sexuality

I have a weird relationship with my sexuality. I identify to the world as "bisexual." I like all genders and sexes. I stick by the definition of bisexuality meaning "two or more genders." I identify to myself and to the people who understand as "queer"—a lot of people don’t know that "queer" is a sexuality though.

I came out as bisexual when I was 13-years-old. I was lucky to understand my sexuality at a young age as I had an open-minded family and I had started to hang out with new friends, most of whom were LGBQT+. School was weird though because my friend and I were the only bisexual people that were out at the time, so of course we faced a lot of uncomfortable and ignorant questions. Even from teachers. A substitute teacher once asked us, in front of the whole class, if we “had sex with other girls” and “how do we know we are bisexual?” A grown man was asking us this at 15-years-old.

I have only had relationships with men and mostly only had sexual contact with men. The reason for that was simple; guys were easier, and girls were complicated. That sounds horribly sexist at first but let me explain. The girls I encountered who showed interest in me were either insecure about their own sexuality or just thought it was a fun, drunk thing to do. I spent a lot of my teenage years pining after girls who didn’t see me as a real love interest. Because of this I got a little sceptical of anyone because I was sick of it. Other girls I showed interest in were not interested in me or just got “straight vibes” from me. I always felt I looked stereotypically Tumblr bisexual gal, but whatever! It was extra complicated when I had some interest from a couple lesbians and then as soon as they find out my sexuality, they become malicious about the fact I enjoy a dick.

I suppose because of these “straight vibes,” I was able to get with the men I was interested in and… not so interested in.

One of the first times I had ever felt extremely pushed out by the LGBQT+ community was when I read a viral post. It stated that bisexual/pansexual people who have partners that are cis-het and of the opposite sex are not welcome to Pride. It really hurt me at the time and seeing quite a lot of people agreeing with it made me feel so pushed out by the community I had felt so accepted by for so long. It made me give a closer look at the community.

I’m currently in a monogamous, long-term relationship with a cis man. We’ve been together nearly four years. I had never been to Pride except within this relationship and both times were interesting. The first time I went with him and our friends, I found myself being very conscious around him and if I would hold his hand, I notice some people judging us. The second time I went to Pride, I didn’t go with him. I went with my family. I wore a bisexual flag as a cape and when I was walking around with it, I saw younger people smiling at me and I spoke to a couple who were trans. I wasn’t sure if it was the venue being smaller but then I saw people looking at my mam and her boyfriend with the same judging looks I got with my boyfriend.

I’ve always felt pushed out by straight people from jealous ex boyfriends, from men objectifying me, from girls treating me like a predator and from ignorant school kids. I’ve always been used to that and I was taught to expect it before I came out. I started to feel pushed out by my own community a few years ago and it was a shock. Sometimes I feel a sense of bitterness because of it. But I’ve always been consuming queer culture because I feel at home. "But I’m A Cheerleader" is one of my favourite movies, Lady Gaga was my bisexual icon growing up (even though she identifies as straight now), I’m obsessed with learning about queer history, I follow Rupaul’s Drag Race meticulously. I even used to ship fictional characters, like Ginny and Luna from Harry Potter, because it made sense to me. We have a rich history that is still growing and maturing to this day. Bisexuality is one of the most accepted acronyms in the community, but it still amazes me the kind of stereotypes and discrimination we get.

I know people have read this and may have in the back of their mind: “you’re erasing pansexuality, you like all genders/sexes.” I mostly identify as queer, but I still have a strong connection to identifying as bisexual. It has been with me for nearly a decade. I have fought for it and with it for so long. It’s a complicated relationship but it’s my sexuality and strong identity.

Disclaimer: I'm aware that not everyone in the groups I have mentioned are biphobic, these are just my own observations and experiences