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Confessions of the Ice Queen

A Raw Reflection

I am the Ice Queen. Not self-appointed. That would make for a more empowering story. This story starts the day I was born. I remember that day like it was yesterday. Just kidding…I barely even remember yesterday. But why is it that we remember certain memories in explicit detail? Are those the memories that shape who we are in the world? Are those the experiences we become defined by? In all the years of studying these particular questions in grave detail, I want to say no, you choose your experience, you choose your life. But that often is still a concept to me and not an actual reality. As a coach and self-acclaimed facilitator of the evolution of consciousness, it would behoove me not to say such a thing. I should be claiming the opposite right? I should be showing up as the one who has the answers. But I assure you, the more I seek out the answers. The more questions I have.

I passed a few friends at the gym the other day. In the midst of a workout, they briefly stopped to wave and acknowledge me. We exchanged greetings as I made my way to the treadmill on the other side of the gym. Days later a conversation between myself and one of my friends about this small and seemingly insignificant interaction ignited an emotional series of self-reflection in my life. In the superficial conversation, she mentioned that as I walked past and offered my greeting, another person in the group said to her, “I think she hates me.” I gave a nonchalant laugh to the information in hopes to appear unaltered by the situation. But as mentioned, emotion overcame me, my heart sank, and I thought…really? Why? How on earth? I replayed every interaction I could recall with this individual in an effort to untangle this. The very fact of the matter here was that I really liked this person. I spoke with him numerous times a week. Joked with him. Opened my genuine personality to him. Shit…I even high-fived him often. Which is NOT my thing. Why would he think this?

I was hurt. All of said vivid memories of past experiences that pass through my mind were those of rejection from my peers. From that place the Ice Queen was created. A child so sensitive and attuned to the world around her finds anything to block the pain. Pain so deep for one but merely a poke of a pin to another. The Ice Queen. From the outside she appears cold, entitled, snobbish and uncaring. Her hesitation to hold a simple conversation with another person, offer a smile, or make eye contact is not seen for what it actually is, but as an intentional insult to another. In reality, the opposite is the actual truth. Her gift to love is deeper than most can comprehend. Her kindness isn’t a nice gesture but an unworldly concern for your soul. Even after years of mastering the untethered outer exterior, your words penetrate her barriers and settle in her being. And still she loves you.

The Ice Queen, a name given with the intention to cause hurt and stir up drama.

And so here I am again. Certain that I have evolved from the restraints of the definitions of others. I find myself questioning my personality and feeling responsible for people’s interpretations of my existence. I find myself explaining my actions to those who will listen. I find myself imprisoned by the very thing I created to protect me.

And then.

I am kindly reminded of something through a gentle and subtle whisper in my mind. Those memories and experiences HAVE shaped who I am in the world. And it’s a good thing they did. I came here to stir shit up. I am here, along with many others, to facilitate a transition in humanity. To create question in people’s universes. To open a conversation that hasn’t been had yet. To extend the gift I have been protecting and seen as a wrongness, to the people who have labeled me.

So yes, please...Give me my crown.

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Confessions of the Ice Queen
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