Humans is powered by Vocal creators. You support Fuck Off by reading, sharing and tipping stories... more

Humans is powered by Vocal.
Vocal is a platform that provides storytelling tools and engaged communities for writers, musicians, filmmakers, podcasters, and other creators to get discovered and fund their creativity.

How does Vocal work?
Creators share their stories on Vocal’s communities. In return, creators earn money when they are tipped and when their stories are read.

How do I join Vocal?
Vocal welcomes creators of all shapes and sizes. Join for free and start creating.

To learn more about Vocal, visit our resources.

Show less

Craigslist Medicine

#MyWorstDate

#MyWorstDate

I am an herb enthusiast with her medical card. I’m probably not the most responsible person, even to myself. So when I noticed I was running very low on my medicinal herb, I called and placed my refill request. Due to a number of circumstances, I would not be able to pick it up a few days. I start to brain storm, what is a girl supposed to do?

I turn on my tablet to find the screen on an ad for Craigslist. I like to surf the personal ads and see what people are missing in their lives. It suddenly hits me how herb friendly Craigslist can be... so I get over to the sign in page and prepare my personal ad.

“BBW seeks 420 friend.” I type a few facts. I am female, early 30s—big but cute, and ready to share a bowl! That sounds fine. Sincerely, Odizus. Without thinking it through, I select a risqué slash artsy photo not showing too much but also not really showing my size either. In hindsight, I probably should have just posted a normal full body photo.

The email responses start out nice. “Hi cutie.” Then the inevitable NSFW pic comes through. Delete. I get through 100 emails, responding with a generic “Hi, my name is..." ending with a nice face picture. In all of my responses, I try to emphasize my body shape. Some scare away. To each their own.

I narrow it down to a few very friendly emails with good photos. One of them sends another email with the words, “I have herb and can meet you in 45 minutes.” He’s cute. He’s young. He has what I’m looking for right now. Sold! I press one more time about my body size. He shows enthusiasm and cannot wait to meet me. Address sent.

I put on a cute dress and freshen up my make up. He writes that he’s on his way and will be here in 15 minutes. I start to pace my apartment. Can I really just invite a total stranger into my house for herb? He’s suddenly knocking on my door.

Ok ok, calm down. He is tall. And very husky. I greet him and tell him to come on in. I just moved here recently and I am limited on furniture. I gesture for him to sit on my bed. I sit next to him and he turns away from me. Talking to my wall, he confesses how nervous he feels and that he’s glad I am actually pretty.

I giggle a little and thank him for his compliment. I guess I’m kind of nervous myself. I tell him that I don’t bite and start to ask about his job. I see him relax as he pulls out his herb and prepares everything. He tells me about being an electrician and loving his work. I take my first medicinal intake for the day. Did I ever get his name? I feel so happy in that moment, it doesn’t matter.

We finish the first rolled herb and he pulls out a second one. “TaDa!” I should say no, but he is so cute. I tell him about my recent move from Seattle. He looks at me. He’s telling me how awesome I am. I agree. Then I confess that I do not think I can take any more medicinal herb... he puts it out.

Silence for two very long minutes...

I’m not sure if I should say something but he makes the first move before I can figure out what to do. He places his hand around the back of my head and kisses me. We stay locked in that moment for a minute. As he breaks away, I hear him whisper that he has never been with a big girl before. The butterflies come flooding through my stomach. I’m about to protest but he kisses me again. I close my eyes, enjoying the moment.

He quickly pulls away but I keep my eyes closed because he kisses by the book. Who knows what other surprises he has in store? But then what’s that sound? My front door opens. I open my eyes and from my door, he says, “Sorry, I just can’t. Keep the rest of that herb though,” he walks out slamming my front door. And in that moment, I realize, I still didn’t get his name.

Oh well. He wasn’t very nice any way.

#MyWorstDate

Now Reading
Craigslist Medicine
Read Next
Embodying Sméagol/Gollum