Dating After Abuse #Ctrl

I've always been the person with the 5 year plan. The one who knows what she wants, and the path she will follow to achieve it. As a child I had always been taught to plan ahead, because as the saying goes, "if you fail to plan you plan to fail" or something along those lines. The point is, is that I always had a certain amount of control over my life. What school I went to, what sports I participated in and what direction I wanted to go career wise. Everything seemed so simple, work hard, be organised and you'll be destined for success.

In the past I would have described myself as a relatively smart kid, I was in the top set for most subjects and seemed to be achieving decent grades. To the outside world I was deemed as the all rounder. Good at school, sport, music and socialising. Life was well and truly bliss.

Like most little girls, I had envision the fairytale lifestyle. Successful career, handsome husband, a big house and kids, all before the age of 30 of course. I mean surely if I worked hard, I could control the outcome right? We can all dream I guess!

Growing up, I wouldn't say I was particularly popular with the boys and most would describe me as a late bloomer. I had my first serious relationship at 17. Though still young, if dating taught me anything, it was that no matter how hard you work at it, you can't always control the outcome.

If I could describe my love life in 3 words it would have to be "unlucky in love." No matter how hard I tried, I would always suffer. From being constantly cheated on, lied to, manipulated and mentally abused, I just never got it right.

So why am I sharing all this you may wonder? because throughout all the relationships, sort of relationships and flings, one thing was always constant. I was never in control.

After my last relationship, I promised myself that I would have control of at least one thing with the next guy I dated. Seen as he couldn't be the thing I controlled, I decided it would be me.

Having control over my body and what I did with it seemed like the perfect way to safeguard myself. Yes I could still get hurt, but at least I'd have some control. So that's what I did.

The next few years of my life were a dry patch. No man, no attention and a shit social life. Everything just came crashing down. Fresh out of uni with my whole life ahead of me, it suddenly dawned upon me that hard work does not equal success, and I was in for a tough ride. Still nursing a breakup, dating was definitely at the bottom of my list.

Having experienced so much shit from men, one would think that I would just give up and call it a day. How could I possibly make a come back in the dating world? Would I be able to even trust a guy again, or would I just be wasting my time.

There were so many questions that I couldn't answer without trying so I decided to dive in the deep end. I started to become more sociable and slowly started receiving more and more attention from guys. Though none particularly peeked my interest, at least I was trying!

When I finally began to date somebody, I threw myself right in. I didn't want to look crazy, and I certainly didn't want to appear bitter so I swallowed my pride and gave it my all. I mean, I can't tarnish everybody because of my bad experiences. For the most part everything went well, but I still wanted to stick to my guns and control one element of the relationship. So I did.

At first it was fine, but when I felt that my control was being questioned I decided to call things quits. Not because anything was particularly wrong, but because I could not bear the thought of not having the control I hadn't in the past.

So 2 years later, still single and no 5 year plan, what have I learnt from this.

1. Allow yourself to make mistakes. It's ok.
2. Life does not always go to plan and that's normal so don't sweat it.
3. It's ok not to be in control.
4. There's no rush, slow down and take each day as it comes.

So even though I have no husband, no successful career, house or kids...life with less control is bliss. Less pressure on my self, and more realistic expectations.

As for my love life...we'll have to wait and see :p