Dating Right Now

For those of you who have tried online dating or app dating, here's a story to make you feel better about any bad date you've ever had.

Enigma was wonderful. From the first moment I spoke to her on the phone, I knew that she was someone very special. Or so I thought. We had so many things in common that I felt as though I had been set up.

The first date was a revelation. We ended up spending more than five hours just talking and laughing. There we no awkward silences. There were no lulls in the conversation. And there was no shortage of laughter. Our hands casually found one another about 30 minutes in, and her petite hand interlaced with mine felt like it was always meant to be there.

The restaurant was closing, so we walked out to the car. We took a brief detour to let her dog relieve itself, and then we found ourselves unable to stop talking once we reached her vehicle. The first kiss happened. The second kiss happened. Nothing disgusting—there was the lust of course, but the energy that fueled the great kiss was more interest and passion. We said our good nights and then found ourselves texting each other about 15 minutes later late into the night.

We picked up where we left off the next day. It was that familiar feeling of being around a person that you didn't want to not to be around. Everything she said was funny or interesting. I found myself daydreaming about being with her while I should've been paying attention to my work. It was so much more than just wanting to have sex with her. She was the type of person that you find very rarely, and the type of person that I knew deserved a large amount of effort put forth into this budding relationship.

After two days in a row of spending time together, we both agreed that it would be a good idea to have a cooling off period, simply to ensure that our interest in one another it was more than that of the carnal nature. She made plans with friends for that Friday night, and I did the same. I'm a firm believer in giving people a good amount of space to handle their life. She worked, I worked. She had a friend group, I had a friend group. We both needed time to tend to those things. So space was given.

That evening, I texted her at around 8:30, asking simply, "How was dinner with the girls?" No response. No big deal. I understand that when people are out with their friends and enjoying themselves, texting is not really a priority. Nothing strange. I woke up the next day to no text in response. I went on the entire day working and not thinking about it and just assuming that she was busy with work or life. We had made plans to go out that evening so I could meet some of her friend group, and I had constructed my evening around that plan. As the day went along, still no response from Enigma. At around 3 PM, I sent this text...

Me- "Hey."

Immediate response.

Enigma- "Hey."

Me- "Are you working?"

Enigma- "Nope."

Me- "Are you busy?"

Enigma- "Nope."

Radio silence. She said nothing more. I said nothing more. As you can imagine, this casual dismissal was far from the norm of what we had been experiencing the past two days. As confusion set in, I composed this text 30 minutes after her last text was received.

"I feel like the vibe has shifted."

Now, as many of you may know, in the developmental period of dating someone new, there is a delicate balance. That balance is, of course, interest against availability. Too interested or too available, and your new person could go running for the hills. One thing that I take pride in personally is not being passive aggressive and being transparent in the explanation of the things that I say. Some of you may be thinking to yourself, "He's just poking the bear." I assure you that I was not.

4:00 rolled by, nothing. 5:00 came and went, no response. The same for 6:00 and 7:00. I hadn't given up, and I wasn't ready to, but I made a deal with myself that if she didn't respond by 8:00, I would officially consider myself "ghosted." 8:03 PM...

Enigma- "Hey, sorry. Busy day."

Me- inaudible confusion

Enigma- "I didn't like what you said."

Me- "I'm happy to explain face to face. It wasn't meant to be a dig, more of an open and honest observation."

Enigma- "Let's talk about it tonight."

Our plans entailed meeting at a bar whose name I'm sure I don't have the rights to reference, so I'll make it up. The bar is called "The Beer Keg Human Interaction Zone." Some of you will understand that and make the connection, but for those of you that don't, just use my awesome made up name. I showed up at 9:30, which is still early, even to my 33-year-old self (you know it's just different after 30). I had a friend who is a bartender there, so I tracked him down to catch up before meeting Enigma. I feel like I should mention that her name isn't really Enigma, but the karma of railroading this real person by using her name is more than I care to take on. Chatting with my friend, I notice Enigma across the bar. She's radiant. She's the kind of woman that seems to make time stand still with her looks. Dark hair, brown eyes, athletically sculpted body, implants that made sense... you know... a bombshell. Like a zombie, I slowly stopped paying attention to my friend, whose words were now basically just like the parent from Charlie Brown (wah wah wah wah), and started walking toward Enigma.

As I approached, I saw that she was talking to a guy. She didn't seem to be in distress, and certainly wasn't the type of woman who couldn't save herself from an unwanted conversation. As I got within arm's reach, she grabbed me and planted a very graphic kiss on my mouth. Two things were going on in my mind at that point.

• Holy shit, this is amazing, why are my pants getting so tight, what do I do with my hands, why is my heart beating so quickly... Pick one. It was happening all at once.
• She DID need an assist to get away from this guy, and I'm here to save the day (Superman music).

As we finished the kiss, she turned to the guy we almost got pregnant in front of and said to me, "This is my friend, Jean Luc." She knew him all along and decided that powerwashing my mouth in front of him was a good idea.

I shook his hand as he said, "Oh, so you're the boyfriend?"

Fair question. I looked over at E and said with a smirk and a hint of playful confusion in my voice, "I don't really know."

Playful? Yes. Charmingly sarcastic? Yes. The right woman to make this joke with? 100 percent absolutely not. She looked me deep in the eyes and said very plainly, "I don't like that." Message received! Don't joke around with E about relationships this early on. Noted. Filed.

We moved over to a table where many of her friends were seated. I went through the whole rigmarole of shaking hands and introducing myself making sure not to make any jokes about our "relationship." The friends were good people. They were drunk, but it was a happy drunk which made me feel as though I arrived at just the right time to be quickly accepted into this friend group. E was drunk as well, but it was an interesting type of drunk. She was very active. Like a honey bee buzzing from flower to flower, E was all over the place.

While talking to one of the friends (whose name now evades me and will forever), he asked, "You're the boyfriend now?"

I looked around to make sure E wasn't within earshot and said, "I don't really know. It's only our third date."

He chuckled. Like he knew a secret. "E is a lot to handle. Did you know what you were getting yourself into?" he asked slyly.

I did not.

E came and sat in my lap, delivering another kiss suited for PornHub, and whispered in my ear, "I hate that bitch right there." I looked in the direction she was looking to see part of the friend group I had met was looking directly at us. E went on. "She needs her ass beat."

I'm 33-years-old. She's 32-years-old. No one needs to be beating any asses at a bar on a Saturday at 10 PM.

I whispered in return, "Remember, a broken bone heals, cuts close, scrapes and bruises heal. It's not worth getting in trouble over."

Logical response, right? Nope. She looked at me with disdain and said, "Don't be such a bitch."

I can't describe to you how much I love being called a bitch. Makes my heart sing. However, too much of a good thing is NEVER good. Also, everything I said previously was not true, except for the "too much of a good thing" thing. Let's keep that.

She got up and grabbed the girls hand, dragging her out the front of the bar. I had no interest in following. I figured I wouldn't be much help anyway, and would more than likely just be called a bitch for trying to pour some reason onto the fire. She returned about 15 minutes later, both middle fingers above her head, exclaiming "F*ck that b*tch! I'm done. She's a c*nt! F*ck her!" Wow, what a charmer. She came and sat down on my lap again, turned to me, and said, "You got my back if her husband comes after me, right?" Absolutely I do not.

After about five minutes of waiting for her husband to come over and do something, which he thankfully did not, we moved over to a quieter part of the bar so she could "talk to me about that text." Remember, folks, this is what I had come here for. I was prepped and ready with a logical explanation that I could deliver with a cool head and tact.

E- "I didn't like that text, and right after I got it, I was done for about two hours."

Me- "I just felt as though things had changed because we hadn't talked in nearly a whole day after going non-stop for two. I wanted you to know how I was feeling."

E- "I was done! I got back on (insert any dating app) and was swiping all over the place. I could get right back onto (pick your poison) and get whatever guy I want. If I'm with you, I like you. I'll tell you I like you. If you don't like me, tell me you don't like me, and don't be with me."

Me- "You're right. I was being needy. I'm sorry."

E- "I don't like that sh*t."

Me- "Got it."

E- "Don't be a p*ssy b*tch about it."

Me- "Ok?"

E- "What are you doing for Christmas?"

I understand this part doesn't seem to fit, and you're right... it didn't.

Me- "Going home to see my mom."

E- "Nope! We're going on a trip, bitch."

Then she proceeded to walk away.

Side note, which I can't believe I forgot to mention. Enigma (who is Latina) believed in the casual use of the following words: f*ggot, p*ssy, b*tch, and n*gga. Throw those in wherever you'd like as you re read this, and you're probably not far from how it actually went.

It's now time to go somewhere else, and the group gets some up to move outside the bar to snag a ride. E is dragging me by my hand, which I hate. She walks by the bouncer and says something which gets her to cackle uncontrollably and give him the finger as she walks away. Still not entirely sure what was said, but he didn't seem too pleased with it. E is walking by strangers outside and kindly says to one guy, "Hey, you dropped something" while pointing at the ground. As he looks down, she yells, "You dropped your smile! Gotcha, bitch!" To a man. Downtown. Who she doesn't know. I don't want that smoke. She does this to a few more people, who of course all fall for it. Each time, it's more exciting and funnier somehow. She's very proud of herself, as am I, obviously. Sarcasm is difficult to put into words, but please read about my pride in her with EXTREME sarcasm. Thank you.

Finally, after she played her trick on maybe two or three people, one of the victims comes up and says "Hey, YOU dropped something. For real though."

She laughed in his face, grabbed me around the waist, and said, "Haha, yeah right, mother f*cker. I've got a man!" Directly after saying that, she quickly extinguished her laughter, looked me in the eyes, and said, "You had better claim me, or else someone else will."

If anyone knows what the means, or has input, please get in touch. Asking for a friend.

The car arrives to take our motley crew to the next place. E swings the front door open and demands to know from the driver, "Why the f*ck didn't you open my door for me? Mama is a baller and she gets treated with respect!" My god... who is this little monster? We pile in, and I take the seat all the way in the back, as far away from hurricane Enigma as I can be. She's fiddling with the radio, finds a song she likes, and yells, "This song is my sh*t! Let's get this show on the road, n*gga!"

The guy was definitely Hispanic, but regardless, we don't use that word. The car ride is fairly short, maybe six to eight minutes. In that time, though, she spent most of it trying to bribe the driver into taking us down to Cabo San Lucas from San Diego. When he playfully agreed, she said, and I quote verbatim, "Call your ugly f*cking wife and tell her your b*tch ass isn't coming home tonight!" Hand to god, it isn't over yet.

We hop out of the car and she immediately grabs me and reminds me to "claim her." Walking around downtown, looking for the next place to infect, she comes across a homeless person sitting on the ground, just trying to survive. San Diego, like many major cities, has a lot of homeless people in the downtown area. Most of them keep to themselves. This was the kind of person who was keeping to himself. Enigma thought it would be fun to go up to him and say, "Hey, you dropped something!" I knew what was coming, but I didn't know she was going to make it worse. When the man looked down, she pointed in his face, burst out laughing, and said, "You dropped your smile, you homeless bitch!" Then walked away cackling again. Yep. That happened. This is a real person, not a fever dream. What a piece of trash.

I made sure to distance myself, and ensured that her friend group was close enough to her for her to be safe, then I walked away. No goodbyes, no fabricated excuses. I had to be away from this woman. Many of you might be thinking, "That's messed up. You should have said something." You're right. I should have. But in that moment, I knew only one thing... I need to be away from this person forever.

I called a ride and hopped in. On the way home, I composed and sent the following text:

"Enigma, this is me showing you I'm not into you. Your casual use of these words (the list from above), your lack of compassion for other human beings, and your general trashy actions have driven me away. You are a beautiful woman, but you are an ugly person, and I don't have time or interest in that. I hope you find the love of your life, and I hope things work out for you in everything you do."

Blocked. Deleted.

I know. Why did I stick around for all of that? Which, by the way, all went down between 9:30 and 11 PM. Well, I was hanging onto the belief that this person and the person I had such a good time with *sigh* initially weren't the same people. I hoped that this was a one off. A bad night. I wished this had been a poor representation of someone who I thought was very special. So for all those reasons, I hung on as long as I could. It was only in the absolute end that I knew none of what she did was forgivable. No contact from her still, but I don't think there's anything she could say that would make this alright. Oh, well. Life goes on, right?

So for all of you out there, dating, exploring, learning, meeting new people, being let down, being brought up... whatever it may be. If you're ever having a down day, read this, and feel better knowing that you'll never have to meet this person.