Dating: What Does It Mean to You?

I have been divorced for as many years as I was married. I tried dating. The first relationship ended with a phone call saying needs weren't being met. He married someone who met those needs within a year of our breakup. I was told they divorced within a year or two.

I focused on living for me and my youngest child who was about to graduate from high school. My two older children moved north to start their journeys in life. All of them were tired of the drama and trauma from waiting on things to get better.

Eight years after the divorce, I began dating and found out this man had a young child. I couldn’t bring myself to have that child live without his father because of me. That ended kindly.

Nine years after the divorce, I tried dating again. I broke my own 12-month rule. This time, the relationship lasted five years. Marriage was discussed, but remained just talk. I figured five years was a long enough time to give to just dating.

It has been two years since my last breakup. I am happy. I don’t miss having a man in my life until I am around other married couples.

I miss feeling protected, especially when I must defend myself in situations I believe would go differently if I had a man in my life.

However, I am single. I am happy. I am patient.

Being single has its privileges.

The benefits of being single dawned on me when I realized I did not feel that pressure, the anguish of wondering. I can focus on my dreams without thinking about a man being unfaithful, or whether he is going to leave me or stay with me. I can come home and not answer questions about whether anyone flirted with me. I don’t have to deal with double-standards of networking with the opposite sex.

At this moment, leaving a legacy for my children and their children is my focus. I have not written off being in love again. I’d just rather wait.

Why do you date?

Dating means different things to different people. Some people don’t know dating is not the official start of a relationship. Many people use dating as a screening to see if they want to be in a relationship with that person; and that will take time and more dates.

It is that time factor—that spending time—together where some people will misunderstand and some people will be misunderstood. Where is the misunderstanding? It is in perception.

While dating:

• Spending time ≠ love. It is an investment of minutes from your life interviewing a person to see if or being interviewed by a person to see if; sounds cold, but true.
• Spending money ≠ love. The amount of money spent on a date is an investment for a stage where you put your best foot forward to get the part and get a callback; or where you watch the audition to see whether you should give the person a part and do a callback.

What is more valuable to spend on a person than time?

Money is valuable, but money is not priceless.

Priceless is what people consider moments—time spent—as priceless, whether in person or online. The essence of that time is what gets a person attention.

When the core of that time is spent sharing special moments out of each other’s history, then that person takes up a place in your heart as special.

This can happen without spending money because time was spent.

Therefore, it is imperative to get clear on what dating means to the other person. Some people have personal standards where they only date with marriage in mind.

If you are the type of person who dates for the sport of dating, then it is good to let it be known; that way, you won’t waste your time with someone who wants to be married.