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Days

Heartbreak. It's how I live with it—how I learn to grow and overcome and maybe love again.

By NullPublished 6 years ago 21 min read
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Day One(Jan. 10th)

Sometimes you get so sad that you find it hard to cry. It’s not even pain anymore. Instead, the pain turns into emptiness. That emptiness engulfs you and fills that once loving heart with a sickening void. I have to force myself to cry sometimes because it’s the only way to find temporary release. Every night when I cry, I feel calmed until I wake up the next morning and the first thought in my head is about him. The feelings reset and the disgust fills me once again.

I thought I found someone to replace him, but I thought wrong. That boy was sweet and cared for my happiness more than his own. It was wonderful and strange being so cared for and adored, but even though the attention was intoxicating, it wasn’t love.

It’s taken me a while to realize what love is. He thinks I still don’t know, but people change. The most recent episode of The Mindy Project had brought me some sense of security. Sometimes, when everything sucks, we seek comfort in the strangest things. I don’t know what character I was more like—probably Mindy—but they both changed and they could both be together. I had hoped that he’d see that, too, when I left the person I think had adored me more than even my parents. I think I know what love is now. I know what to do. What I don’t know is how to convince him. The way he texted me, it sounded as though he didn’t love me anymore. Nothing had hurt more in my life, not even losing the dogs. It was a numbing, yet throbbing kind of pain, and I haven’t stopped feeling it since I realized that he doesn’t love me anymore. I can’t even imagine my life without him. I feel like it just ends.

I haven’t deleted any of his pictures and I don’t know how. How do I erase the person I want to be with from my life? I’m going insane.

I cried again and I’m calmed again. He takes so long to reply and I realize that I don’t matter to him. I’ll fix everything and I’ll do whatever it takes to make him happy, but I need to know that I matter to him. All my insecurities began to develop because I felt that I wasn’t important to him and the crappy decisions I made were inspired by my insecurities. There was someone who didn’t pay attention to anyone but me, but it wasn’t the right someone. I’m scared that I may have rejected an angel that was sent to help me, but I couldn’t continue to hurt him. I truly admire him and hope that he’s fine. I wish I could’ve loved him, but that’s not how hearts work.

I’ve forgotten my anger after bawling so much. There’s just that dull, throbbing pain. The longer he takes to reply, the more I feel it. I’m asking for another chance even though I’m certain that he’ll say no. I have to make it the last time, but I don’t know how. His “no” doesn’t feel real. It feels more like he’s putting up a front and hoping that I’ll put in the effort to break down the wall he’s put up to protect himself; perhaps I’m only seeing what I want to and denying that he truly does not want me in his life anymore. He says he means it but it just doesn’t feel real. I heard this in a show I watched and nothing has summed up my emotions better. The girl, who was talking to a boy whose girlfriend left him, had said: “at first it feels like a dream, but later it’ll start to slowly hurt.” Maybe that’s what will happen. Maybe his words aren’t false and he’ll never love me again. How can I believe it, though? Maybe when I see him with another girl. He should just hurry up the process. I think that’s it, though. When I see him give his love to someone else, I’ll believe that his love isn’t mine anymore. But right now, it truly does feel like a bad dream.

I thought Karan’s friends wouldn’t speak to me, but they called me over today and hugged me. They’re all such good people. I think Natasha hates them because she sees the world through narrow eyes with only the benefit to her and not the ones around her. Maybe they hadn’t been kind to her and I don’t know what I did to deserve their kindness, but I hope I won’t lose them. Seeing Karan was hard. I don’t know how I felt but I wished I could’ve loved him when I noticed him staring as I walked away. I hope it works out.

I’m not sure what to do with myself anymore. Obsessively checking my phone. I wish I could throw the device away. I can’t block him. I don’t want to miss it if he decides to say something to me.

He said no again. It should be the last time I ask. I hope it is.

Today I had thought I wouldn’t do my makeup, but then he said that we had the same psych class. I tried so hard to look cute, but when he came to give me that paper, he didn’t even look at me. That was probably the last interaction we’ll have.

I debated asking him one more time and warning that it’ll be the last time I ask him, but I fear that it’ll bring him more relief than a desire to let me in. I think I shouldn’t text him unless he texts me. There was an Instagram post about how if someone doesn’t check up on you in 72 hours they won’t bother and you should stop associating with them. I know I’m the one who did wrong but I also know that he has asked me not to bother him. So, if he doesn’t text me in 72 hours, then he is gone and I must force myself to go, too. If by Sunday, January 14th, 2018, he does not attempt to talk to me, then I will go. Knowing myself, I will probably give him all of Sunday, too, just because I hope, but after that, it is the end. I’m scared.

Day Two (Jan. 11th)

I cheated and texted him. I sent him Taylor Swift’s "Back to December" and he said that the chain is on his door. I later texted him and said that he should just see me because I need to know that I tried everything. He said no but guess what, he used Aaima’s name instead of mine in the text. I am in so much pain. That is it. I just hope I get over it quickly. I’m going to really, really try. I have to delete every picture but it’s too hard right now. I’ll do it later. And I know I will calm down after crying for a few more hours, but Sunday is the last day. I know he won’t text me and after Sunday I’ll stop waiting for him.

I’m just so sad. His reply to me was just “LMAOO.” How can he just stop loving me like this and be so cold? Why can’t I do it? I was cold to him for so little, but he does it so often. I just need to tell myself.

He doesn’t love me anymore.

He doesn’t love me anymore.

He doesn’t love me anymore.

Is that enough? I have to write it on my hand. I have to remember. I don’t know what to do right now. I don’t know how to do the first question on my organic chem problem set. I don’t want to read the labs. I want to curl up and watch a movie that makes me better. I don’t know what movie can do that right now, though. I’m going to go early tomorrow so I get to curl up and cry tonight. I want to look good tomorrow. I want to look like the happiest person tomorrow and I want him to notice me and be like “Damn, I missed out. I wish I could get her back.” I hope I stop caring what he thinks soon. I will. I can do it. It just takes time. I want to block him but I can’t. I feel like I have so much to say but my mind is blank. There’s only the feeling of my cold tears gathering and wetting my collar. I don’t even feel anything. I’m just really cold.

It’s a few hours later. He texted me once again: “That was an honest mistake but I meant what I said.” I didn’t reply. I don’t know what the point of his text was. It sparks hope so I have to push down the feeling. I’ve been imagining how he might try to talk to me and tell me he does still love me. The ache started again.

He doesn’t love me anymore.

He doesn’t love me anymore.

He doesn’t love me anymore.

I wanna say it three times because then it feels like bloody Mary. She isn’t real, though, but this doesn’t feel real either. It’s hard to believe.

I don’t think I can cry anymore tonight. The numbing ache has settled in.

I keep thinking how he might hug me. It’s going to take a lot more than three days. I don’t know what is a sign and what isn’t, but I know that the text has to be something from him not about breaking up. Maybe an excuse to see me. I know he won’t text in three days, but I need the time for my own heart. I lied. I can cry, and the tears have started pouring again, but it’s a lot less than before. Right now it’s only three days. I don’t need to worry beyond that. I can do three days, and after that, I’ll be able to do three more. I’ll keep doing three days until a day when I don’t think about the three days and wake up with a happy thought instead of him.

He’s always had people. I am used to it, but it still hurts. I’m not blaming him, it’s just a fact. I don’t like feeling this way and I don’t remember how other things feel. What was it like falling in love? There must have been something about it that makes me so driven not to let it go. It’s time to let go. I’ll lie to myself until I can do it.

Day 3 (Jan. 12th)

I feel better today. I think I cried as much as I could and now I’m ready to grow. I did see him today and my gaze would linger. I also wondered if he noticed me and if it mattered to him at all. I hope it mattered, but I know it didn’t and that’s okay. I think I will be fine and I had a good day today. I know that there will be bad days, but today was good. This rule of not texting him is a good idea. At first it was hard and I cried all of last night. In the morning, he was still the first thought I had, but I was okay. I am kinda hyper—the kind of hyper I get when something hurts me—but I don’t mind it because the extra energy helped me have a good day. Laughing is how I cope and I think it’s a good way for me to continue. I know more pain will come, but so far my three days are going good and I have hope that I can be happy without him.

I hung out with Jenny, Rebecca, Donovan, and Reyanne today and it was a really fun time. I saw Tayem and Andrew, too, and that business helped me get through the day.

I don’t think I’ll feel love for another guy again. When I see cute things that would normally give me the warm, sweet feeling, I feel an ache instead. I guess that’s the difference. I can laugh endlessly, but that ache does come back. But it’s only Day Three. I have time. Part of me is praying that he’ll text me. Part of me is sure that he will while another part says not to lie to myself. Things will work out. I think I had a good day today because I did what I could. I begged and asked so many times so it’s not me not trying. It’s him not wanting to be with me and that’s not in my control. Everything will be fine. I might cry myself to sleep again but maybe not. I thought I wouldn’t cry today but that ache brought my tears back.

Day Four (Jan. 13th)

Today is a bad day.

Day Five (Jan. 14th)

It’s the last day. He won’t text me. I had thought I’d tell him that I’m letting him go. I don’t know if it’s a good idea though. He’ll know that I’m not fine. But why do we always have to seem fine? I’m really not fine. I feel like a huge part of me is dying and there is an ache resonating throughout my body. It’s hard to get out of bed and do anything. I want to lie here and cry and be miserable because I don’t want to smile through this pain anymore. I don’t want to have to hide my tears every time someone walks into my room.

I don’t want to look good and talk to people and laugh. I want to look like shit in my PJs with a half-eaten ice cream and sit and cry and not have to care about who sees. This is so shitty. I don’t know why I even like him.

I hate to think about him with somebody else. I know he’s going to go find a new girl and the thought is killing me. I’m supposed to be his girl. Why doesn’t he remember that? He told me like he didn’t feel like I was his anymore. How can he feel that way when he still has my heart? I can’t love anyone else.

I woke up this morning and I thought I’d send him my text about moving on right away, but then I thought to wait the rest of the day. I don’t know what I’m waiting for. I know he doesn’t think about me anymore.

I’m watching this show called I’m Not a Robot. Why am I the crazy scientist who can’t get over his ex instead of the girl who’s falling in love with the sweet rich dude? Why does he get to be the girl? It makes me laugh but so sad at the same time. But it’s only day five and there are many days to go before I’ll be okay again.

I wonder if he knows that every second I’m alone I think of him. I wonder if he knows how many tears I’m shedding for him. I wonder if he even thinks of me at all. I push everyone else away because they aren’t him while he thinks I’m not his anymore. He thinks I picked everyone else over him but he doesn’t know how much my heart aches. He doesn’t know that before I sleep—I’m going to write that text to him now. I’ll practice here:

I love you but I know that if you want to go I have to let you leave. I waited a few days to see if you’d text me but I realize now that I’m no longer a part of your thoughts. It really hurts and I’m beginning to understand what you must have gone through when I hurt you. I’m sorry that I caused you so much pain and I’m sure I’ll move on the way you have been able to after some time. I’m happy that you can be happy now and I won’t ruin that for you. You’ve always been happier away from me than you have been with me. I think that’s why you left so often. This is really hard for me and that’s why I had to text you one last time. You can always see when I’m upset, no matter how much I’m laughing, but I don’t think you noticed this time. Or maybe you didn’t care. But anyways, there’s no point holding onto someone who doesn’t love you anymore and if you’re happier without me, I have no business interfering. I’m happy that you’ve blocked me on your phone because I was able to send so many things without you seeing and narrow down what I actually wanted to say. I wasn’t sure if I should send you this because my pain makes me seem weak. But I’m not and I’m allowed to be sad for a little bit because I’m losing the person I could tell everything to, so I can tell you everything one last time. I hope you’re always happy and I hope that your second term goes well. Don’t worry about texting me back. I’d rather you not reply unless you have something meaningful to say. I wish you the best.

I think that’s good enough. I sent it to him. I’m going to go shower. I hope that he doesn’t reply, but part of me hopes that he does. It’s time to let go. I did what I could.

A few minutes after I sent the text to him, I got a snapchat from Karan. I’ll open it later, but it’s weird to me how he’s always there. Maybe it’s a sign or maybe I’m just trying too hard to find some light in the darkness I’m living in. I do feel more calm now.

He replied to me before.

Have you ever felt so empty that you needed to cry to feel better? I need to cry to feel something but I’ve already cried so much today that I’m just lying here heaving. I’m sobbing without tears because there’s none left. I feel like my body is trying to reject my grief. It makes me laugh a little.

I don’t know what I feel anymore. My head hurts and I’m too tired to be sad, so I guess my heart has settled for numbness, instead. I don’t know what feels worse, but both of them are bad.

I did take him for granted. I should’ve done something sooner. I’ve done what I can. I just wish I could do more. I’m dying a little. I can feel it. This is all so dramatic; I feel stupid for feeling so much.

I keep thinking of him with someone else. It’s simultaneously painful and difficult to imagine.

I guess I have to try and sleep. I feel emotionless and dead, I don’t know if I can sleep.

Day Six (Jan. 17th)

I think I may have deleted the file that had the missing days in it. Maybe it’s a sign that my pain will be forgotten. I thought of writing yesterday but I felt too empty. After the day I last talked to him, all I have felt is empty. I don’t think that the emptiness is good, but it does protect me from the pain. I can feel myself being a bit strange. When I am around others I get so hyper; very, very hyper, and I can’t control it, and even through the hyperness I feel no true emotions. I think this is how my mind has decided to cope. Once I get into bed, I don’t want to leave. It’s hard to drag myself out to do things when I’d rather just lie in once place and feel nothing. I think I may be mildly depressed XD, but I’ll be okay in a bit. I can’t really cry anymore but I did feel a few tears today when I saw something that reminded me of him. I don’t know if my manic hyperness and lack of feeling is any progress or if it’s abnormal. At least I’m not a sobbing lump. I do still think about him all the time. I wish that would go away. I don’t think I cross his mind unless there is a specific reminder or if he has nothing to do. I don’t think he’ll realize that he’s always on my mind from the moment I wake up to the moment I sleep, and sometimes even in my dreams. But just the way my mind fought through the pain, I’m sure it’ll block out the thoughts of him, too. I don’t think love is on the table for me. I can’t think of what love was to me because love was him and I don’t think anyone can take that place. And I think that I am too scared to feel that strongly about someone ever again. I can’t do it.

I’ve also realized that I am very okay being on my own. At first, every moment I spent alone I was haunted by thoughts of him and just insane crying and pain, but now it’s okay. I still think of him, but it takes too much energy to be around people. I do try to not be alone though, because if I give into lying in bed all day and staying by myself, I may end up hurting myself more than I’ve already done. My friends help; they’re all good friends. I don’t really count Natasha anymore. I think she is more his friend than mine and although that hurts a bit, I’ve come to be okay with it.

There’s this Asian boy in my chem class with nice back muscles. I don’t really find him that attractive and I don’t really care about the muscles, but I try to have a pretend crush on him so that I won’t go insane from his presence in my Chem. I wish he’d come sit with me and we’d be the way we used to be. That last sentence just brought on the tears. They come back sometimes. I guess there’s some pain that can’t be ignored.

I wrote that really late last night, but after today I feel better. Stuff was okay. I laughed a lot and I am so happy to have Arshi and Justine in my life. I am tired, but not in the crappy kind of way. I feel normal today and I don’t feel the pain. I know that it will return and today I met his gaze for a split second in Chem. I think he was looking at me but probably not. But even if he isn’t noticing me or thinking about me, I am okay and I’m happy about that much.

Day Seven (Jan. 20th)

I had a sleepover last night. I saw him with some girl using the heart filter on his snapchat. I don’t know who she is and when I asked Natasha, she said she didn’t know, either. It has set me a few steps back. I’ll be okay. I want to not care about him anymore. I had thought he was looking at me in classes; stealing glances, but I’m just so stupid XD. This is hard, but I was good and I didn’t say anything or text him. I just need to cry a little bit more. He is gone for sure. And the worst part about this is how, even after seeing him with some other girl, I still can’t shake that little hope that I always have. I hate all of it and I wish I hadn’t ever loved him.

It sucks. It all sucks so much. I’m scared that I won’t be able to love again. He’s loving someone else and I might not ever be able to let go. All the positivity I was feeling before has disappeared.

One thing I am proud of is that, if I had seen this a week ago, I would’ve texted him and violently sobbed all night. I would have been a lump curled up and wet with tears. But this time I left it. I didn’t text him. I didn’t sob for hours. I watched my show and spent time with my friends and I cried for a few minutes but I’m not dead. It hurts but doesn’t ache for days on end as emptiness completely engulfs me. I am proud of myself for that. If he’s done with me then I have no business holding on; it’s not good for me. My heart hurts, though. I want to cry more but mom and dad will question me. It hurts.

I was reading those stupid horoscope things on tumblr. His said that he’s gonna be ready for a Netflix and popcorn-filled serious relationship. Mine said that I’ll go through something life-changing and that it’ll be hard. It’s this stupid stuff that makes me cry. He’s going to find the one and I have to learn to live with it.

I was being positive a few minutes ago but I didn’t just cry for a few minutes. It really hurts. I might cry all night.

breakups
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