Dealing With a Man’s Increasing Silence in a Relationship

You might have been there.

The fire has died out, you and your bae no longer have endless things to talk about, and silence went from a complete stranger to a permanent resident in your time together. You notice his increasing tendency to resort to silence and it kind of saddens you.

Many women's first reaction is probably to chatter in hope to ease the silence, or just ask patronizingly, “Oh, is everything still okay? What happened?” When such behaviour persists from the guys, the women will start blaming the guy for not making the effort to talk more (at least they do in their hearts). When both the women get tired of asking and the guys get tired of being asked, that is when the quarrels and fights will break out. In the end, it just results in even more silent treatment and resentment toward one another.

The causes for a man’s silence might vary from person to person and day to day, but the fundamental reason why he is not telling you about it is the same—to him, he feels like even if he tells you, he will not get the understanding that he is seeking (either you are incapable of understanding, or unwilling to give understanding) and so he is not interested to share more.

So how, as women ourselves, should we understand and deal with it?

First, see your BAE as your BFF.

Once upon a time, he was your hot crush you stalked everywhere just to know a little more about him. Just having the same habit of carrying bags on the right shoulder makes you feel a little more special. Then you and him got together, and maybe even moved in together or got married. As the physical distance shrinks between you two and familiarity grows, you become less infatuated with everything in his life and ironically, this dwindling of interest in each other’s lives will soon increase the emotional distance between you guys.

As a couple, while having your own life is important, you should also remember that he is one of your favourite people in the world. So make time to know his interests. If he is crazy about NBA, watch some games with him on the weekends. Nobody is asking you to become an expert analyst on the rivalry history between Larry Bird and Michael Jordan. Learn to be a good listener without any intention, remind yourself to accept and learn about him with an opened heart, and don't to rush into dishing out advices, comments, or demands.

Second, remember that he is your lover.

I think we all have seen our fair share of women who, after years and decades together, they just seem to forget that their boyfriend/ partner/ husband is their lover and since that is the reason why they decide to be together in the first place, no other role should prevail before that.

In the real life, women who have children tend to see their role as the mother of his children, and for couples who build a business together, women will see themselves as the guy’s partner more, forgetting about adding the word "life" in front too. And let’s be real, when a man is sexually attracted to you, he is more interested to talk, to share.

So don’t lose that fire. Don’t stop flirting with your man. Don’t stop getting pretty and sensual in your days (and definitely, definitely, the nights).

Third, always grow as a person.

Don’t stop learning. Enrich yourselves with knowledge, and don’t get walled up in your own same old circle. Sometimes husbands see their stay-home wives as incompetent to understand what they are going through at work (ie. the politics, the backstabbing, the power struggle), so they choose not to share anything that is bothering them. I mean, so what if you watch Suits? If you are not a working woman yourself, it is just not the same.

Remember you should be an equal to him in this relationship. Your experience, life insights, and progress should be on par with his and that commonality between you two is what generates meaningful sharing and discussion. If either party fails to keep up, you might find your talking points becoming dominated by a routine exchange of what to eat, where to go, and what to with the children /pets / house / blah, blahhhhh….