Dear Ex #2

Hey folks! I apologize for it being more than a week since my last post. Work has been difficult per usual and it is hard for me to focus on creating content when my mind is preoccupied with the basic nine to five grind…

Anyways, we left off with me deciding to write detailed letters to each of my exes. Just to recap this was inspired by Ariana Grande’s song, “Thank U, Next”. Given how relatable this song is I felt inspired to get some thoughts off of my chest in regards to experiences I have had with those I’ve been intimate with in the past. Let’s get started with letter two of three that I want to create for this installment of my writing.

Dear Donald,

It has taken me a long time to realize that because I had minimal love for myself, I gave you the space to hurt me and take out your inner frustrations on me. I failed to realize that by not being fully in tune with myself and the love I deserved, I gave you an open invitation to treat me any kind of way. I was in a vulnerable place and I feel in my heart you used that to your advantage...the one of many breaks from Charles was fresh and I just wanted someone to “love me” and I let you in when I shouldn’t have.

I was a virgin when we first met and I made it clear that I did not want to lose my virginity to just anybody. I wanted to give it to someone who truly loved me. That summer you said what you needed to make me believe that you were that someone. You are not solely to blame in any of this. Again my lack of self-respect and love put me in this situation. My constant need of reassurance that I could, in fact, be desired by someone else other than Charles was my drive for continuing to pursue a toxic adventure with you.

What came first on your behalf though? The manipulation? Or the verbal abuse? All of the memories I have with you are incredibly tainted. Even the happy times are dark as there was always something that I was doing wrong. Always something that I said wrong. Always some action that I did not do correctly. I really think it was a goal of yours to get me in a place to feel as low about myself that you did with yourself. There were things I had for myself that I felt you envied. And instead of taking the opportunity to learn from one another in regards to the areas of self-discipline that we lacked, you decided to dim all light I had in any capacity you saw fit. But what lead to this?

It wasn’t getting nightly calls from you that always ended in some argument. Or the time you cornered me in my room and wouldn’t let me leave before you finished yelling in my face. Or even the time you followed me down the stairs of my apartment complex screaming how much of a piece of shit I was. Or the time I heard you talking to another girl on the phone even though I was giving you a place to stay when you had no one where else to go. No, it was not any of those times...because it was those times that made things so very obvious. It was the times when you would tell me how much you loved me. It was the times when you would hold me close knowing damn well that you never meant anything you said or did during the course of us.

This is in no way to bash or show disdain towards you. This is all just an example of what can happen when you hate yourself so much you seek to make those around you discontent as well…

If there’s anything you take from this I hope it’s one thing: your actions and your words towards anyone only reflects on yourself. You tried to break me but what you failed to realize is that all that you put me through mentally would only make me better than I already was. Regardless of all the bad, I still wish you the best in your life. I hope you find the peace within your own heart and soul to show yourself love and patience so no other has to be on the receiving end of your own self-dissatisfaction.

I will no longer cry about what you put me through. I will no longer let my experiences with you put me in a place to close myself off from new love. I will no longer fear you and that is what is best of all. I will take what you put me through in stride and again move forward with nothing but strength and a whole new burst of self-love.

Take care,

Kendra