Dear Ex's

I am not here to disrupt your life or disturb you in any way. I do not want to set your healing time back by having a presence in your life that is not wanted. Our breakup wasn't easy, in fact, it was terrible and I never thought I would recover, but time is a magical healer and with time came reflection.

I reflected on the person I was when I was with you and looking back, I can see how much I have grown. I definitely wasn't perfect, even though I thought I was at the time. Looking back to how selfish and self-righteous I was I embarrassing. I just want you to know I am sorry for all the times I wronged you or made you feel wrong. You weren't wrong. You were just you and I was just me, looking for some sense in the nonsensical cycle we were battling in.

You gave me everything there was to give at the time. Your heart, your beliefs, your ideas, your trust, your commitment, your smiles, your dreams, your fears.

You gave yourself; in forms of vulnerability, love, intimacy, anger, frustration and humour.

Thank you for giving me all that was you, and I don’t say was because we are now a past experience, but because like me — I hope that the you that is now, is a marvellous expansion of the you that was then.

Which, is why I don’t just finish here.

I don’t just want to thank you for giving me your all.

I want to thank you for the things you probably aren’t even aware of. Not because I didn’t want to tell you, but because these are the things that really only hindsight could explain.

You taught me how to communicate. Which, I admit took many attempts. It is not that I didn’t want to. I just didn’t know how. So, thank you for giving me the space to be fully self-expressed.

You made me realise when you told me in irritation to, “Stop being in a mood” that my mood selfishly affects the people I am around, making them uncomfortable without permit. So, thank you for sometimes getting fed up. Even now, six years later I stand by what you said.

You demonstrated how essential it is to become my own person. So, thank you for being stuck in your own insecurities.

You taught me how necessary it is; especially in hard times, just how important it is to be kind to one another. Although this didn’t ‘save us’ kindness kept us from bitterness and impartial when everything was split. So, thank you for your kindness.

You authenticated that our paths were changing when we argued about the direction of the future. So, thank you for following your own path because it allowed me to discover that it wasn’t my own.

You showed me how much life has to offer and how independent I can really be. So, thank you for selflessly letting me go.

I am no relationship superstar and nor do I pretend to be. Although I am still learning and experiencing, these experiences have helped shaped who I am today. You have given me the knowledge of who I want to be as a person, a girlfriend and as a wife.

Marriage to my wife today would not have been possible without the experiences we shared, which have helped me grow into an individual worth marrying. A wonderful, fulfilled marriage, bathed in pure love, honestly and adoration.

I understand that my appreciation may not be reciprocated, and that is OK. I just hope that you too have found the kind of love you deserve. I do often wonder how you are doing, how you are getting on and if you have found someone to share the rest of your life with.

I hope you have.

Forever grateful.