Dear Love {Maybe Not So Adaptable}

It's Valentine's Day. I'm sitting at my desk with the sun streaming in the bedroom windows. The room feels unusually warm for a midwinter's day.

It should be bleak and cold—the way I am feeling inside. Instead, the weather is provokingly cheerful.

Unlike me.

I'm usually adaptable. To a fault.

"Where do you want to eat?" You'd ask.

I'd shrug.

Then you'd query, "What do you want to do?"

Another shrug from me.

Or when you'd try to get to know me better by asking what my favorite "such-and-such" was, and I'd sheepishly admit that I didn't have a preference for such things.

I can have such strong feelings and convictions about many things (especially you, love). But I find it nearly impossible to approach anything remotely unserious with anything but adaptability.

Perhaps, with dates and trivial things, I felt that I was giving place to your preferences and giving you more freedom by being adaptable. And the fact that I didn't want to come across as a domineering girlfriend.

I think maybe it irked you some when I was this way. It was more of a small burden on you than a blessing. I'm sorry that was the case. My indecisiveness is one of my biggest pet peeves. Thanks for being patient while I took half-an-hour (just kidding!!) to decide what to order and when it took me even longer to eat it (really, though—I was always too excited to eat much on our dates!!).

You once tried (and succeeded) to make me laugh by joking about being adaptable yourself on a particular subject. I mean, it was a lame excuse I was always offering—"hey, what can I say, I'm adaptable?" Nice one! ;P

Things about which I'm adaptable:

• Food/restaurants (unless it's almost anything deep-fried—bleh!)
• Colors
• Recreational activities (unless it involves snakes, spiders, or skyscrapers—those center around three of my greatest fears)
• Minor changes in schedule/plans
• Music
• My mood (I adapt to other people's moods, often)
• Etc.

Things about which I'm NOT adaptable:

• My convictions
• Major changes in schedule/plans (such as not getting to see you when I thought I was going to get to)
• Maybe a few other things I can't think of right now

I think I am generally adaptable. So I should be happy right now—on this sunny day—right?!

During our break up, you asked me if I could to be "just friends" with you. I said I would try my best. Because I like you. I admire you. And I don't want to lose your friendship.

I was being adaptable. (Or trying)

Weeeeeellll....

...I'll be brutally honest. I ain't feeling very adaptable today.

Nor yesterday.

Nor the day before.

Nor the day before that.

Nor the day before that...

(You get the idea.)

That's because I quickly found out that this is actually one of the few things about which my heart refuses to be adaptable!

I can't view you as "just a friend" when, to me, you're still so much more!

I haven't adapted well at all to that.

Or to seeing less of you.

Or to not being able to text you "good morning" and "goodnight" or "hope you have an awesome day, babe!"

Or to giving up the dream of building a future with you.

Dreams of going on road trips. Swapping music. Joining in on family game nights. Sharing food. Going on long walks, just talking and exploring nature. Dancing together. Fishing or playing sports together. Meeting each other's extended families. Etc.

The one time you ask me to be adaptable is the one time I find it the most difficult.

So maybe I'm not so adaptable as I claimed to be. But I will try my best to keep my heart out of the way so I can adapt to being "just a friend" to you.

Sincerely,

Me