Dear Love {Patience for the Process}

I miss you. More and more each day. That isn't supposed to be the case.--- I'm supposed to be healing, right?!

That's how everyone else acts about our break up. They say and do certain things that indicate that they believe I should be "moving on".

Things like: trying to match-make me with a friend of theirs, saying things like "you'll find the right guy someday", or even things as low as insinuating that you didn't deserve my affection or attention, to begin with.

But none of these people know you like I knew you. (I say "knew" because I feel like such a stranger to you now!!). They haven't shared their heart with you as I have, and you haven't poured out your heart (fears, hopes, and dreams) to them.

Few of them have witnessed your many acts of generosity and affection.

You haven't let your guard down for them. You did (at least partially) for me. I'm honored by that.

Honored that you view me as trustworthy and non-judgemental (at least partially).

I say "partially" because I fear that part of you held back from me. That something about the way I responded to your scars and mistakes caused you to hesitate. Or even to run away.

What was it? I may never know.

But I hope and pray that you never thought that I considered you to be 'beneath' me.

Yeah, you've made mistakes.

Who hasn't?

I know I have!

Maybe not the same mistakes you've made and the consequences may be different in this life.

But sin is sin in the eyes of The Maker.

Any singular sin is enough to "fall short of The Maker's glory".

We can't even dream of matching up to The Maker.

Not on our own.

That's where Grace steps in.

Grace gives us The Maker's righteousness-- something wholly undeserved on our part-- therefore making it where we no longer "fall short of The Maker's glory".

That is if we accept that Grace.

So, I pray fervently that you will daily accept that Grace.

And that, instead of living in the shame of your past and the fear of your future, you will instead live courageously and victoriously in the present.

The Maker loves you.

I love you.

To love truly is to put one's heart and [emotional] life into the hands of another.. and hoping that they will 'handle with care'.

Love is giving them the power to either connect [to] or crush one's heart.

The prerogative to love or let go.

So what happens when one's love-- to whom one has given their heart to 'handle with care' and to whom one has given the power to connect or crush-- what happens when they decide (unintentionally or intentionally) to drop the box holding one's heart or crush it?

I don't know that there is any tried-and-true solution to the easing of the extreme emotional and yes-- even physical-- pain that goes with a broken heart.

Personally, it seems that the 'solution' (is there really ever a complete solution or resolution for heartbreak?! Seems like there will always be scars!!) for heartbreak will be different or have variations for each person.

Some people may be able to get back on their feet rather speedily.

Others, maybe not so speedily.

I think I fall into the second category.

Actually, I *know* I do.

In some ways, I'm so done and ready to fast forward to the 'just friends' stage. Because the process is so painful and tedious.

I long for the day when there won't be hesitation when we encounter one another. No masking of pain, because we've left that all behind.

People keep saying to me, "move on, JR" or "let go..."

Said people mean quite well, I'm sure.

But...

...How does one move on from the one to whom they gave their heart?

Moving on means leaving behind fragments of one's heart.

My grief process may take weeks, it may take months. Who knows.

More than likely, it will take me a long time because I loved and love you deeply.

I can't just forget that. I can't just forget you.

The worst thing I can do right now-- both for you and for me-- is rush the grieving and healing.

So I guess we all just need patience for the process.