Dear Love (Still Hanging On)

What would have been the date of a milestone in our relationship was also another significant day in my life. And I still didn't feel like celebrating, because you weren't standing beside me, tossing confetti and spraying silly string. (Not that you would do that sort of thing, but who knows. ;P)

Even though your physical presence is missing—you're still very much in my heart.

Even though we don't have phone calls anymore, your laugh and voice still rings loudly in my mind.

I still have dreams about you nearly every night. And daydreams during the waking hours.

I still get excited to see you at various events.

I still am upset when anyone dares to hint something negative about you.

I still listen to music that reminds me of you.

I still smile whenever I see little kids because you are a wonderful uncle and will make a wonderful dad someday.

I still find myself hoping I'll bump into you at the grocery store.

I still catch myself mentally referring to you as 'babe' or 'my man'.

I still am saddened when I hear your favorite songs in the store.

I still look for you when I drive around town.

I still smell my favorite shirt to see if your scent is still there.

I still look at my hands in wonder, remembering how they used to hold yours.

I still have to hold myself back from running up to a guy that I mistake for you.

I still think of you every time I see a car that resembles yours.

I'm still reminded of you when I see something that is your favorite color.

I still think of you when I bake your favorite dessert.

I still try to keep from going to your favorite restaurant—in case you might be there—even though my curiosity is piqued.

I still think of you as the most handsome man I know.

I still smile like a dork when I remember your childhood stories.

I still have a bittersweet emotion when I see a beautiful sunset.

I still almost cry when I see happy couples—because that used to be us.

I still bite my lip to keep from asking after your nieces and nephews—because every time you lovingly talk about them, I still fall even harder for you.

I still regret the mistakes I made in our relationship.

I still wish I had been more supportive and less selfish.

I still am proud of you and your heart and accomplishments.

I still am confident that the maker has a wonderful purpose for you and your life.

I still am amazed at your inner strength and resilience.

I still miss you whenever I hear your name or see a photo of you. Or read my numerous journal entries about you. Or when I wear that favorite shirt of mine that I wore on several dates (yeah, you know that one).

I still think about you every night as I drift off to sleep.

I still pray for you every day.

I still envision my future with you.

And each time, I'm still disappointed in one way or another.

Every time I think of you, my heart still swells with emotion so much that it physically hurts. Rainstorms and long, steamy showers are still my best friends. They disguise many a shed tear.

And just when I think I'm 'ready' to finally just be friends with you or ignore you (ha!!), I still have an emotional break down because deep down inside...

I'm still hanging on. And I still love you.