Dear Mom, My Heart Hurts

I was 15 years old when I felt my first true heartbreak. I may have been too young to understand what love really is but the heartbreak was too easy to slide into my wheel of emotions. I met him in science class. He was the smartest one there, under me of course. Not only was he intelligent but he had the humor of a class clown and the looks of a teenage heartthrob. I don't know what he saw in me but I believe now that the only reason he was interested was simply because I never threw myself at his feet like the other girls did. After a while, we became close friends. I never mentioned my feelings for him but during summer break he brought it out of me and asked me to be his girlfriend through text message. Once classes started up again we were able to see each other every day and I started to notice the pattern of his distance. I still remember the pain of the first warning sign that he wrote on his hand to plant on my poor confused face.

One morning I hopped off the bus with my close friend and we made our way over to the school courtyard. I spotted him immediately in the distance sitting on his band instrument case surrounded by girls as always. I stayed where I was until my friend asked me with good intensions to go to him. I said I didn't want to and she asked me why. I had no idea how to answer because at that exact moment my brain became a war zone for my doubts. I headed over to him and I suppose I blended in with the other girls since I had to say hello for him to notice I was standing next to him the whole time. He waved back at me and continued talking to the wall of girls around him. I can't remember my thought process through what I decided to do next because I forced in the effort of forgetting it all. I leaned in to kiss him, maybe as an attempt in reminding him I exist. No one should have to remind their lover they exist. As I got closer, I felt his palm press against my entire face and shove my kiss to the back of my throat for me to swallow. He looked me dead in the eyes and said "not now" as though there was a certain time I was allowed to love him. Embarrassment rushed over me in one clean wave as I transformed into the missing piece of wall that fit perfectly next to the other girls. Not long after that, his friend ran over to him to let him know the band hall was open for them to practice and without hesitation he stood and left. Time stood still while I tried to figure out exactly what just happened. I then turned my attention to the girls and realized I was in the wrong place so I dragged my feet back to my friend. She asked me what happened and all I could do is shrug.

What I felt that day was nothing compared to the ruthless actions he performed for me on the day of the fall festival. Over time, I noticed his attitude changes but I refused to believe anything was wrong between us. The day before he asked me to stay behind after school because he wanted to talk to me so I told my friend I would't be going home on the bus with her and she looked at me in despair and told me it was probably not the best idea. I understood almost immediately what was coming. A part of me didn't want to believe it but the other part wanted to get it over with as soon as possible. I marched my way to the end zone and met up with two of my other friends. When I asked if they've seen him they told me he left a while back. I texted him in confusion and he shrugged me off by telling me he forgot. He just so happened to forget to break up with me. That made no sense to me. I asked him to just tell me what he needed to say through text since it couldn't have been that important or he would have remembered it. He refused and said he'd just tell me the next morning. That night he texted me "goodnight, I love you." When the morning of the fall festival came I felt it in my gut. Even though he ended the night by telling me he loves me I felt the future pain in my gut and I forced myself to ignore it until I saw him. I watched his smile slowly drop when his eyes landed on me. I barely had time to adjust to my surroundings when he pulled me aside about five feet from everyone we knew to drop the painful news. His words still echo in my head after all these years. He told me the things I was afraid of hearing my whole life.

"You're just too depressing."

There was a strange ringing noise in my ear as I stood there not knowing how to react or even if I should. He had the audacity of asking me if I was okay and then high-fived me after I said I was fine. My friends began to crowd around me after he left but I couldn't stand to talk to them or even look at them. I stood there in shock until the bell rang.

Sadly that wasn't the end of it. I had no idea to tell my mother the news because I knew she would ask me what happened and I wasn't sure how to tell her the reason why he left me. How do you tell your mother you were disrespected in such a way? How do you tell her that someone couldn't stand you because you were too depressing? How do you tell her that someone you had a love interest for doesn't like the person she raised you to be? I had a face painting booth to run that day so I thought that maybe it'd be best if I held off on letting her know until I got home after. Throughout my time at the festival I had to focus on my keeping my cool and making sure I didn't have a meltdown while also standing just a few feet away from him. Eventually my mom unexpectedly called my phone to let me know she was stopping by to enjoy the festival. I felt nauseous and regretted not telling her the minute I got home. I was drowning to deep in my thoughts that I forgot my cousin was also at the fall festival. My mom soon arrived with my aunt. They stood close by while I painted another child's face, hoping she wouldn't bring him up in any way but of course the universe heard my cry and worked against me. She called him out from the crowd and introduced him as my boyfriend to my aunt. The embarrassment was overwhelming and all I wanted to do was run away and never face them again. I could feel the shame from his eyes glaring at me. After the introduction, he came to me and furiously asked me why I didn't tell her. All I could say was that I wasn't sure how so he went ahead and did the honors. Just a few feet from my aunt and I, I could hear him explaining to my mother that we are no longer together and it felt as though I was reliving that morning once again only a thousand times worse. When we got home, she asked me the long dreaded question. She held me in her arms and laid with me on the living room floor as I explained what happened.

After pouring my tears onto her beautiful shirt, I waited for a reply. For some reason I expected her to comfort me or to give me advice that would change my perspective and make me feel better but instead she asked me something I never thought I would hear in a situation like this.

"Have you been taking your medications?"

My mother advised me to take my antidepressants regularly so that he could notice a change and want me back. During the fall festival, I thought I would never feel a pain greater than my ex explaining to my mom that he doesn't love me. I was horribly mistaken. I know now that no boy could ever shatter my heart the way my mother could.