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Dear Someone I Thought Was Special

This was written a while ago, it's been living in the corner of my mind for a while. Although now I am happily in a committed relationship (with my cat) I joke. With a man. A wonderful man. This relationship that this is written about has taught me a lot. Time to share it with the world.

So it’s been 6 weeks I believe and every day from word go, I have been afraid. 

When we first started talking, I was relaxed and happy that I found someone I can have a giggle with, talk to and could actually see myself being with for a long time. I told you this, I opened up and you did to. Constantly texting, I was even texting you while I was "on dates" with other guys. To be honest, I wasn’t interested in them, I wanted you. When I became yours after two weeks of constant texting and phone calls, you asked me to be yours on our first date. There was something so special and real between us. Since then it feels like we haven’t been together 6 weeks but a year or two from the way you have started to behave. 

It sort of started the week of our first month anniversary. (I know... I was a goofy teenage who believed in month anniversaries) You told me you wanted a day to yourself, which is fair enough because we all need to time to yourselves, to think, get things done, alone time as you will. Then you started to become distant from me. I started to get less and less texts throughout the day. No Good Morning Gorgeous or Good Night texts, less hearts at the end of the texts. I know it seems pathetic to point that out but I notice these things and take them to heart. I’m concerned is all I’m trying to say. I have been open and understanding with you from word go. Not most girls would understand the fact you had a child at 17 and although you don’t see her, I can see that it’s worrying and killing you that you can’t. You snapped at me because I wanted to help. You told me that you didn’t want to talk about problems or worries you were having because "you just can’t." I have been both patient and caring towards your request, I have not nagged you to ask if everything is okay. I have gone about acting that same way as I was on our first date. If I come across suffocating you or smothering you, I’m sorry it’s not what I intended. 

I want my happy, smiley, silly guy back who teases me when we are together. I know you aren’t into PDA, fair enough but you had no problem when we were together on our first date, sat in the park. I want to go back to that moment. When I was between your legs, watching the people along river, and the September breeze push the leaves on the trees around. You teaching me Spanish and laughing at me when I couldn’t get it right. I fell in love with you the moment you kissed me for the first time. I kept thinking, "Don’t get too involved, he’ll only break your heart like the rest of them." That’s what I was thinking and still am. "He’ll leave you for a pretty redhead with blue eyes and a body that is to die for. She’ll play games better than me, they’ll have more in common and have better sex than us because she’ll be tiny enough to sit comfortably on top of him. She’ll be smarter than me and dress better than I do, she’ll be kinder and more understanding, he’ll feel safe with her and tell her he loves her sooner than he told me, he’ll take pictures with her because he knows they look good together, and he’ll forget all about me." I don’t think you realise that I have my own problems too, you may have trust issues because of your past relationships but so I do and putting myself back in the position of thinking "is he going to leave me for someone better" is the hardest thing for me. 

I have been nothing but kind to you. I’ve given you gifts, I go out of my way to buy you food, I organise things for us to do together which we never end up doing because you are "too tired" I mean understandable towards the end of the week because you have college and work. When you’re unwell I know you aren’t as talkative and warm towards me because you don’t feel yourself but have you been unwell for the past 3 weeks? I have kept my mouth shut because I don’t want to start arguments with you so early on in our relationship. I know you have problems and worries and concerns, we all do! But I will share mine with you for you to understand why I am quiet or why I break down in tears every now and then. Sometimes it is good to let your partner know you are worried about something, they might have a solution that can make you feel better. But I have said this all to you only for you to shot me down and stamp on me. You don’t understand that your need to be alone is causing me to question whether you actually want me to be in your life. I have made it very clear about how I feel about you, that I would never do anything to hurt or upset you. I know I kept a specific thing from you but I was honest when you asked me. All you need to do is ask, I will be honest. I’m sure if I asked you if you loved me, you wouldn’t say anything or try to jump the conversation. Does this mean you don’t? You are only with me for the company? You are sending me such mixed signals, my heart aches. I had a wonderful birthday, I love my present, I haven’t stopped wearing it since you gave it to me. It makes me feel close to you when you are so distant. We have made plans for further months, but when you go off to university then what? You get drunk, kiss a girl, or even sleep with a girl and I’m left alone again or you start to fall for that pretty redhead with blue eyes and poor me is left to pick up the pieces. See…. you aren’t the only one with worries. Yesterday, I snapped. Yesterday, you pissed me off. All I was doing was asking if you felt better, you gave me no indication that you had put your phone on airplane mode and fell asleep. How was I supposed to know? So I thought the worst. My mind got the better of me. I’m sure yours has too, I mean you were once worried about guys flirting with me when I’m at work. Where has that gone? Do you still worry? That shows me you actually care about me. I text you all the time because it makes up for the fact you don’t speak to me. It’s my way of saying "HooHuuh! I’m still here you know!" It’s not getting to much, it just feels like it is because you don’t answer my texts. I feel like I’m in conversation with myself. 

From now on, I’ll do as you ask, I’ll be a good little girlfriend who sits in the corner and gets told what to do. I won’t text you constantly, I won’t ask you if you are okay or tell you I miss you or that I love you. Shall we be a couple or just don’t talk or not be a couple at all? I’m fed with being pushed away. You choose, either you want me in your life or you don’t. Only thing I’m afraid of is being alone again and if you choose that you don’t then I don’t know what I’ll do.

Kind Regards,

Someone who truly cares. 

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