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Dear You, Sincerely Me (Pt. 1)

Part One: The Catfish

By Chloe PalmerPublished 5 years ago 4 min read
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Dear Chase, By now, I know that Chase isn't your real name. But when I was fourteen years old and you found your way into my inbox on MeetMe, I was more than willing to believe that it was. Chase Ellison, a real celebrity, had seen my profile and messaged me! I was starstruck. I'd never been the prettiest girl, and looking back, the pictures that I took of myself were hardly flattering, but you had noticed me and it made me feel special for the first time in my life. I'll admit that I didn't know who you were at first. You told me that you were a model, and that sometimes you would act, and that sparked a curiosity in me. Had I seen your ads? Or maybe I had seen you in a TV show or a movie. Naturally, I took to Google to find the answers. The Boy Who Cried Werewolf. I had seen that movie! Oh my god. I really was talking to someone famous! Looking back now, I wish that I had known better. But how could I? It was later that year, 2010, that MTV's hit show Catfish aired for the first time, and it wasn't a show that I became interested in until was almost nineteen. Ultimately, the concept of a 'catfish' was completely unknown to me. I wanted so badly to believe that you were who you said you were. Our messages started out simple enough. We discussed our likes and our dislikes, our dreams and aspirations, and everything in between. We had become fast friends, and that was enough for me. I was an awkward teen who had trouble making friends, and for you to come into my life and take a general interest in me meant the world. And then you told me that I was beautiful. Me, beautiful? You've got it twisted. I'm not beautiful. My friends, Katie and Jen, they were beautiful. But that wasn't something that a guy had ever called me. For the first time, I began to see myself through a different lens. You awoke a self-confidence that I wasn't aware I possessed, and it was a good feeling. We flirted back and forth from that day forward, and that went on for a month or so. I found myself falling for you with each step we took, even though we'd never met. I wanted to, though. And so I asked you.

Can we meet this week? Maybe make this a more serious relationship? But you couldn't. Because you were shooting a movie out in California and had plans with Justin Bieber, and couldn't fly home. That should have been where I started to find things were a little fishy. But again, I was too naive and I just said that it was fine and that we'd figure out another weekend. After all, you were a movie star, and I couldn't get in the way of your busy schedule. That would've been rude. After that, the messages came less and less. As someone who lives with anxiety surrounding being abandoned thanks to childhood trauma, I did my best to stay calm. I didn't want to be that annoying girl who messaged you a thousand times and was demanding of all your time. You had a career, I could understand that. And then one day, you just disappeared. Your profile was gone and you had stopped responding to my messages, no matter how many I sent. You just vanished into thin air, taking my new found confidence with you. I blamed myself, not you. I assumed that I wasn't good enough, or interesting enough. Maybe I should've been that annoying girl who sent you a thousand texts a day. Maybe that's what you wanted. I was heartbroken. Because not only had I lost the first person that I had genuinely had romantic feelings for, but I had also lost a friend. I know now that you were a catfish. You saw a vulnerable girl who was desperate for affection, and you latched on until you got bored, and then you tossed me away like I was nothing. To this day, I don't know a single thing about you. Your real name, your real age, your real appearance...But I still think about you from time to time. You were the first person to make me feel special, and the first person to take that feeling away from me.It's wishful thinking, but I hope that you didn't hurt any other girls like me, and I hope that you aren't still doing what you're doing. I hope that you've found confidence in being yourself rather than hiding behind a fake picture, and I hope that you're living a real life now. Best wishes. Sincerely, Alex

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Chloe Palmer

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