Defiled

Waking up in the middle of the night. Every day I feel this fright. The nightmare I relive each night. Once was enough seeing his face. I feel distrust. Betrayal of the family I once knew. Nightmare every night I fear. Afraid to wake up the people that sleep beside me with my screams. All I see is the anxiety I feel. The air in my body tenses. I can't breathe. I take the pill that releases the fear. His smile haunts me. His touch makes me feel him. I can't be around him. My nightmare has been relived. Through everything in my body, I release the pressure of my nightmare. I relive this almost every night. This was the onset of my depression. I worked through this but I still feel as if it was my fault. I feel as I let it happen. I trusted him. He was family and he defiled my innocence. I covered my body, withdrew from everything I loved. I even self-medicated for the longest time. I tried to take my own life. I thought cutting myself would make everything better. It really didn’t, it just made things worse. I can’t even see his face anymore. I still think about it occasionally. I was only a teenager when it happened. I deal with not trusting men. I won’t even trust my own family. It hurts to speak about it. Hurts to think about it, but I had to move on. I had to let go. I had to make sure that I forgave them. That was the hardest part. It took me five years to forgive him. I can’t let what happened continue to ruin my life. It took me almost ten years to learn to love myself again. It took even longer for me to learn to love again. I am now in a very loving relationship. So, as I look back on it I asked myself questions. Why as survivors can we not talk about being raped. Years go by and a woman still won’t speak of it. They go unreported. They fear the attackers. Living in fear of it happening again, protecting the heart. The hardest part people don’t realize about a survivor is the ability to learn to trust again. Once we learn to trust again, we put all trust in that person. Losing trust takes years to gain back. Another hard thing a survivor must do is learn how to love. It may be of the most dangerous thing we do as survivors. We tread super lightly. It will always take more time but we can love. No matter how much therapy we get we will never be fixed. We can talk until we feel everything is better, but in the back of our mind it’s always there. It always haunts us. Keeps us from loving fully. Our hearts stay protected. There are walls put up. Guards put into place to make sure we never get hurt again. So, asking a survivor to put trust in you or to love you is a tough task. We hide our feelings, and make sure everyone thinks we are okay. But in all reality on the inside we are crumbling, screaming, or just wanting to be held. It takes time, patience, and the ability to want to help. Survivors still need a support system. I do want to tell any survivors of rape that it was not your fault. Things will get a lot better. Nothing will begin to feel the same until you forgive the person who defiled you. You are wanted.