Define: Insecure Attachment

I am insecurely attached.

I don't believe people will be there for me forever, or when I needed it most. My friendships are flowers that will bloom and die in time. My sister, my mother, the people who I know are there for me, who I know will always be there for me, I believe that they won't. I'm just waiting for them to do something wrong so I can say HA! I knew you weren't really there for me! I guess I'm afraid of creating relationships, thinking they will break. Like with my friends who miff me, or others too. Like how my friendships never seem to last that long, or they are based on factors, such as status, looks, money, prestige. Like we are friends with an image, an image that is not real and not a person. Like everyone is replaceable as a friend because all we are looking for is a certain set of characteristics. When I briefly went into counseling my junior year, the counselor seemed shocked at how much I analyzed people. Almost like I saw people as a value, a number and not a sense. Like I talk about people as values, as numbers of what they are worth in society's eyes (a conglomeration of what they look like, how rich they are, how smart they are) everything that will be a predictor of future or current success.

I realize this sounds extremely sadistic, but it is completely true to some point. I mean we are all species wired for survival, and I guess I have equated success with survival, thus I look at people as such.

I wish I was ready for true love and a true relationship, but I am not. I guess it is not a bad thing, because my sister did not have a relationship in high school. I think having a mature relationship is about being okay with letting yourself go a bit. I am not okay with that. I think I need to develop strong friendships before I can develop romantic interests. I am not sure if I ever knew how friendships really worked.

Like I always think of friendships as a sort of Alpha/Beta thing. Like one person has power over the other, not really a 50/50 thing. I guess that is because of how I grew up. In my household, my dad, for the most part, had final say over my mom. And my mom only got her voice in late elementary school, and by then, my idea of relationships already changed. Like in elementary school, I was an alpha. I bossed the other kids around, and told them what to do. I was demanding, and obnoxious, and aggressive. In middle school, I was plain confused. Were those girls really "best friends" or were they just pretending? How did relationships work and function? Why did some people seem to be close/ or pretend to act close but in actuality they weren't? Was it a status game?

At my core, I just like to meet new people, make new friends, and see how people work. But it is hard to ignore the status. How some people will treat you with less respect because you don't have what is "cool" at the time. You don't like to drink, party, or do drugs, and you aren't comfortable having friends that do so. It takes so much bravery and courage to accept yourself as you are and be confident despite all of that.