Deja Vu Moment

*Sigh*

If I may be frank, but I honestly cannot begin to wrap my head around this mere simple fact, that what had happened that day... changed my perspective - completely! It perplexes me in a profound way of how the body and mind coincide to have this mutual epiphany, that results in a rather strange, yet intriguing, manifestation. One that seemed to have been a tragedy, but more or less had a positive outlook in the end.

What an unpredictable world we live in! Why, during that time, I had thought to myself that I only wished to be a book worm. Settling myself with a good read, all curled and huddled in the comfort of my own sheets on a daily, rather than to scurry away into the boisterous nights of what the beautiful "Rain City" had to offer; yet, given my current state at the time - I was rather broken inside. Therefore I surrendered to try and feed my soul what I thought it needed. Give or take, dancing the night away only lasted so long, as I distaste being within a crowd of loud-mouthed and intoxicated persons. Nor do I ever want to be seen as a woman who cannot walk forth in her choice of discomforting shoes and to be a burden. No, no, not at all a life for me.

Even though that was where I had met you - a free spirited loving individual who only ventured out into the night, only wanting to listen to a certain featured artist. Funny. Well, we pretty much hit it off that night for a few hours, simply having or trying to have fun, surrounded by people who seemed to be under the influence of drugs. I was about to slip away, as I had enough for an hour or two of non-stop dancing...and for the most obvious case at hand - my stomach began to GROWL! Most definitely cannot ignore the devastating aches of the stomach, now can we? So, you naturally came and joined me, each of us leaving our parties behind. It was a pleasant surprise, knowing what a gentleman you were, when we had slipped out. Mind you, as any female, or I'd rather hope, (most cases) most people who go out to these clubs are only seeking one thing, or well looking to hook up. I don't think either one of us were at first, but there was a slight attraction, I guess. Why else would you have wanted to go on a poutine adventure with me in the early a.m.? We became friends shortly after, and still remain friends to this day.

As one may have suspected, we did become quite acquainted with one another. With the usual things that two people do when they are getting to know each other - going out on dates, a couple actually; except, I never did give you the key and I kept you locked outside. Always did have those walls up, protecting myself. Remember, I did mention that when I had met you, I was monstrously torn inside. You listened to what I had told you of the surface of it, but not once did I ever let you in - I couldn't. You kept on insisting... I rather did enjoy all our moments, and I kept trying to force myself to want to see if I could make it work with you, for you. I was only ever hurting myself though... I wasn't done healing on my own. Your words were true, that I wasn't giving myself the freedom to let go of my past, especially with whom I had spoken to you about, and I perhaps was giving up on something 'precious', and you really did seem like a genuine man. Despite what I had sensed in you, every time we went out, and you truly did treat me with respect, it was too much at once. I was not accustomed to the gestures. It was too much. So, each time went out, I felt a voice inside me say that you simply were not the one. I don't know how else to say it, nor do I know how to fully explain it...but only God knows.

Our last outing, doing what every true Vancouverite would do, we had entered a Starbucks to select our preferred coffee beverage. Well, there we were as any other time we had gone, but something, or someone... felt different. The setting was all the same, but you seemed different. NO! You 'were' someone different, and I...I was different. It is something unexplainable, what I had felt that exact moment. The entire scene seemed so vivid in my mind, my heart raced to a different tune, and my whole body began to uncontrollably shake... almost as if I were going through a time portal, heading back into that same space. Just my surroundings and the people were all different. To me, it was a total deja vu moment. How else could I possibly convey this occurrence?

When I had looked at you, I was looking at another person, unknown to me at the time, but it was someone else in your position. When I had smiled at you, it was that person. When you held my hand, it didn't feel warm to the touch - it felt cold and empty. In my mind, his touch warmed every inch of my being. When you had kissed me, or wanted to, I simply could not return the favor as other times, because his lips were imprinted on mine, somehow. I simply just did not feel anything at all, for you. I knew it from the start, but that moment changed everything in me... a whirlwind appearing before me, without any warning. It just passed and left a mark. That gut feeling, I had once learned from my past, and so I had to obey its call. It didn't fail me then, and I knew it wouldn't fail me in that moment.

I am sorry, because I know how utterly upset it had made you that day - how I had been so distant. Although, I did tell you from the start to not get too close to me. I wasn't ready at the time, but I did try, to the best of my ability. I'm truly sorry, but I didn't know how to even begin to describe this to you. It was as if God in that exact moment, that gut feeling, He told me that you simply were not the one. Not the one for me, anyways. I could only ever be thankful that we both continue to be friends, perhaps not as close as we once were, but nonetheless, friends. You could easily be the one who got away, as I am sure at another time and place, it could have been, or maybe not at all. Although, I am most certain that it was for the best, because look at us now, you have your loving woman beside you, and I have my magnificent handsome alongside me. You found your personal barista, and I found my key, he who had been there that day the whole time.

Once again, I went to that exact location with him, and it was exactly as I had envisioned and felt that day - it finally felt right.

Seriously, everything happens for a reason, and I couldn't agree more.

What a deja vu.

@_@