Diary of a Dying Girl (Pt. 6)

I thought we were end game.

I'm not sure that I'm allowed to feel this way. And I guess it's because it feels obsessive. Maybe it's just the way I want to word how I'm feeling.

He's taking you away from me. And I can't stand it.

I know that if he asked you, you'd leave me. I find that terrifying and it causes me to push you away. I thought our friendship was rock solid, but it's not. I thought you'd be around forever, but you won't be. You keep saying you're not going anywhere, but so much of me doesn't believe you. I know that your soldier controls you now. Am I allowed to be terrified?

You don't even see it. You think you're in love. And so much of me wants to believe that you are, but there are so many holes and gaps and issues in what you claim you're feeling.

The worst part is that I know that it's not just the solider. It's you. You're always looking for someone to uproot me. You're always looking for something that replaces me. You put everything above me and I put nothing above you, but maybe I should begin to.

You're not who I thought you were. And it sucks because I told myself that I knew you from beginning to end.

So what now? I want to believe that you'll just fade away, and I'll have to sit and look back at the photos of us being friends. I'll have to sit back and wish that things could be different. But I can't sit around and watch you... disappear. You become less of you every day. And it's not just because of the country boy.

Ever since we buried the sunlight you haven't been the same. And I understand that because neither have I. The thing that scares me is the part of you that didn't heal properly. You and your country boy fit together like a broken bone. You mended, but not correctly. It's like you set the break wrong.

I hate this feeling. Because at one point I was so supportive of this relationship. I knew that he was good for you. I knew that he was either a glimpse of what the Creator wanted for you or exactly who He wanted you to find.

But then he changed.

And it wasn't his three months underground or his newly earned military status. It was before that. The way he could shut you up about everything. The way he could lead you around like you had no mind of your own. It was his disregard for your plans in life. It was your willingness to let major issues fade and your need to excuse every red flag he waved in your seemingly perfect love story.

Something isn't right. The thing I wish I could say to you if I knew the outcome of my words. I want to scream my fear to the rooftops, but I'm not sure how it'll end.

I have to let him take you. Because that is what it means to grow up.

I'm a dying girl, dear friend, and I don't have many shots at a lifelong friendship. And there's a good chance that this is just another one of my melodramatic cries for help. But it's gotten to the point where I don't know what you say about me when I leave the room. And I fear the day that he tells you it's time to leave me behind because I know you'll listen.

I write this from a place of fear, unrest, and the odd sensation in my stomach telling me that I can't trust you. Please let me be wrong.