Did I Know?

Was I supposed to know? Was it that obvious? For me it wasn't. For me, it was just another normal Thursday evening with the woman I loved.

We were having dinner, like usual, nothing was out of the ordinary. You came in, we hugged and kissed to say hi. We talked about our days and we ate some vegan meal that you like so much. It was good, it was peaceful. But then, slowly, I saw something was off. You looked tired, more than usual, you wouldn't look me in the eyes. But we never did that, not look into each other's eyes. We loved that, being able to see the other one for who she was, on the inside. But today you looked away. That felt peculiar.

While we were lying in my bed, watching a movie, because we had decided earlier that week that it would be nice to have a movie night together, you pressed pause. You sat down and look away, again. I started to be cold inside, to tremble a little. I was afraid of what you were going to say. Then slowly, you looked at me, with those eyes filled with tears and you said:

''You know, don't you?''

What was I supposed to know? That the Earth is round? That Donald Trump is racist? The definition of happiness? Honestly, I know a lot of things about a lot of topics and I always have something to say, but at that moment, I couldn't speak a word. I couldn't even breathe. My heart was beating too fast, too slow and then too fast again. I started to feel something wet on my cheek. Why was I crying? I could hear you speak but I couldn't listen to any words you were saying. I tried to concentrate on the meaning of those words that were coming out of your mouth. I understood you wanted to break up with me because you didn't love me like I loved you. This wasn't making any sense to me.

I wanted to be mad at you, I wanted to be angry. But the only thing I could think of was that I didn't want you to be sad, I wanted to take you in my arms and comfort you until those tears were gone. Because that's what you do when you love someone, you do anything to make their life easier, even when she's destroying everything you built together these last few months. You call to see if she needs something before you get home or you prepare what she needs in the morning before going to work because sometimes her head is in the clouds. That's what it is to love someone.

It also means that I had to let you go. Because loving someone isn't just about being there for them. It's also being able to leave for them to be happy. So I told you it was ok, that I understood. You wanted me to call you names and be mean to you, I guess it would've made it easier for you to leave. But this is not me. I still loved you. So I walked you to the door, we were both crying at that moment, we hugged and kissed goodbye, and you left, crying.

I had trouble walking back to my bedroom. My knees wouldn't hold me up, like them too wanted to get out of my life. But I made it, and I looked at the window and I saw you. You stopped, looked up and saw me too. We looked at each other, crying, one last time, in each other's eyes.