Do You See Me

Beautiful, toxic, happy, anxious—all words to describe my most recent relationship that ended. After half a year of loving and learning, things came to quick end. I didn't realize the stress of sacrifice. Sacrifice is essential, yeah? At least that's the advice I heard from everyone around me. But what happens when you're sacrificing in all the wrong ways? When it isn't a sacrifice because you're being selfless, it's a sacrifice because you're under someone else's control.

It was a long distance relationship. I wasn't around his friends or family. He always came to my hometown, and he could be any person he wanted to be to my community. You need to know your partner's community. You're a combination of your five closest friends. So the saying goes, "show me your friends, and I'll show you your future." Since I was never in his hometown, I never saw the real him. Another thing about being in a long distance relationship is that I felt as if every time he would come into town, we would start over. Our "honeymoon" phase was prolonged because the first almost four months we only saw each other four times a month.

I slowly began to realize within two months of our relationship that I was becoming someone else when I was with him. Not because I was trying to gain his approval, but because he was manipulating me to be. I am not blaming him for changing me, even though that's how it sounds. His manipulation was not on purpose. It was coming from a deep wound in him that he never dealt with. Emotionally abusive people usually have been emotionally abused, a lot of times by their own parents. When you grow up in a home where your own parents behavior is toxic, it becomes the only thing you know, leading you to take that toxicity into your future relationships.

The red flags I started to see was his jealousy of almost everyone I encountered. When they start to become jealous of your friendships, they have a tendency to feel like they have to control you, or they will lose you. Another big thing was his guilt trips; his happiness depended on me. I could always be doing something better or just not do anything at all. He was feeling rejected, he was feeling attacked, he was feeling anxious. Feelings are real, I never doubted his feelings, but he was always feeling that way because of something I said or did. There comes a point when you can't put your emotions on other people anymore, you have to take responsibility for those emotions. You have to deal with your own heart and not put your heart into someone else's hands.

So before things ended, I asked him, "do you see me?" By this point, I just didn't think he did. I was in such turmoil, my heart full of emotions everyday, which became exhausting to process. If he truly loved me, wouldn't he see that pain on my face? I fought with it for weeks, wondering if it was worth it, or if I was being too selfish. Even after the break up, I had plenty of doubts I did the wrong thing.

However, just after two weeks of being broken up, I felt like myself again. I wasn't under so much stress, doubting who I was or worrying if I am not enough. It was a stretching season. I learned a lot and I wouldn't change anything. It takes a lot to be vulnerable to someone, but when you do choose to let someone in, don't let them abuse you in any way. When you start to see red flags, don't ignore them.