Does My World Still Turn When You're Not Around?

One of my most unredeemable qualities is my inability to move on. While it’s not as bad as it used to be, up until high school I used to love people feeling bad for me whenever I went through hard times. I wanted to hold grudges for everyone who had wronged me growing up so that I could chastise them in my writing and artwork. If I were lucky and got famous enough to be on a talk show or win an award, the plan was to definitely make the point of calling them out on national television.

As I continued to hold these grudges and live in the past, I realized it was causing me a lot of stress and spells of panic. I realized that this probably wasn’t the healthiest mechanism to deal with these events and people, but it was hard for me to find a healthy coping mechanism because I never really knew what it was like to forgive AND forget.

One fateful day my brother came home with Blueprints for City Friendships: An Anberlin Anthology during my punk rock/alternative phase. I was excited to get into “an underground band that no one had heard about.” I immediately burned the CD to my iTunes library to upload on my iPod.

On the Blueprints for the Black Market album, I took particular notice of the final song on the CD: “Naïve Orleans.” I listened to it several times, and I really fell in love with the simple lyrics and the rhythm of the song.

I had no idea the song was going to change my life.

A Conversation I Should Never Have Heard

I was at my church’s regular Friday night Bible study sitting next to my on-and-off childhood crush. He was your classic boy next door who Mom and Dad loved, he totally got you yet maintained a slight mystery about him. Every time I was around him, I felt like I was flying. We were on the same wavelength about practically everything, and his deep brown eyes told a story that I so desperately wanted to be a part of.

My heart was racing, and we were ironically studying a book about dating written by a young pastor who preached at a church an hour or two away. His father happened to be leading this particular Bible study, and after the lesson we all broke up into small groups based by age and gender. The high school girls sat within earshot of the high school boys.

“You know what I hate about girls sometimes?” one guy said.

“What?” he said.

“When she has a bad relationship with her father.”

“Right?” another kid chimed in. “A girl has to have a good relationship with her dad if she wants to even consider being with me. I couldn't bear to date a girl with daddy issues.”

“I can’t imagine how a girl could resent her father,” someone else said.

When I looked back at my crush, he didn’t say much. But he definitely didn’t disagree. My breathing became heavy, and I felt the tears starting to form. I chewed down on my lip to stop the tears and shifted my focus back to my group. Somehow I held it together until I got home.

I curled up into my bed and cried. My dad had walked out on us the summer before after years and years of my parents fighting. Every day I lived in fear, scared what sort of angry outburst my dad was going to have next. I had always longed for a close relationship with my dad, but I could never achieve it because of how afraid I was of him. My dad didn’t even seem interested in getting to know me as he would come in from work every day, watch TV, maybe eat dinner with us, and then fight with my mom. The relationship between my dad and me wasn’t good, but it wasn’t completely my fault, and I couldn’t believe that the guys at church were going to hold that against me.

The only thing that was going to calm me down was music. Hands shaking, I took my iPod from my pocket and put in my earbuds. I looked at the list of artists, noticing that Anberlin was near the top of the list. I hadn’t given them a listen in a long time, so I put them on shuffle.

I took a long exhale, skipping a few songs until I got to “Naïve Orleans.” I sniffed a bit, smiling at the memories from first listening to the song. Then the lyrics that would change my life hit me:

“And I finally found that life goes on without you, and my world still turns when you’re not around.”

The tears stopped falling as the line repeated itself several times throughout the song. Was it really possible to be at a point of such a sound mind that someone could accept that they could live in a world without a particular person and truly move on without them?

Could I live in a world that turned without my dad? Was there someone out there who wasn’t going to hold my relationship with my dad against me?

After this night, I decided to swear off men and catching feelings for anyone.

The Grand Romantic Gesture

That is, until I met someone with the most gorgeous pair of eyes and couldn’t stop myself from thinking about him.

It was Halloweekend of my sophomore year of college when I ran into him. We had talked several times before, but I never thought of him as anything more than a friend. I had consumed about three cups of jungle juice that night and stood just a little too close to him when I looked into his eyes and saw the ocean. Mesmerized, I felt my heart pound and a wave of feelings rush over me.

"No, no, no, no," I thought.

I didn’t know what to do about it for several months. I talked to him as often as possible, I even learned his schedule so I could plan the perfect moment to bump into him.

I cherished our conversations, even if they were short. We bantered like an old married couple. Gradually I began to tell my friends about this crush, and I got a mixed bag of responses. It was anywhere from, "it is my duty to push you guys together" to, "really? Him?"

So after months and months of harboring the secret, I finally decided to take the leap and profess my true feelings. My voice was shaking, but it felt like something ripped out of a rom com.

He barely looked up from his computer while I was talking to him.

So not more than a half hour after I poured my soul out to him, I found myself curled up in a swivel chair, frozen from shock. I pulled the edges of my favorite blue dress over my knees.

“You’re sure you’re OK?” my best friend at the time asked.

“I guess…” I hesitated.

“Like, you’re not gonna cry or anything?”

I laughed. “Crying over people you can’t change is stupid. I will never cry over a person ever again in my life. He's not worth my tears.”

“OK… can I put on some music?”

“Sure, just nothing sad. Only upbeat stuff.”

“You got it!”

Maroon 5 or someone rather played.

My legs were losing circulation so I starting stretching them out. “I feel like such an idiot!”

“No, you shouldn’t. He’s the idiot for not realizing what a good thing you would’ve been for him.”

“He didn’t even look up when I told him how I really felt. I can’t believe…”

“It’s ok, Julie. If can’t see how amazing you are, he doesn’t deserve you. Here,” she turned the keyboard and mouse to me. “This is a computer simulation called ‘Whack Your Ex.’ Imagine you’re punching him or whatever.”

“Perfect!”

My phone started going off. “WHAT! HE’S A DUMBASS” or “YOU’RE TOO GOOD FOR HIM ANYWAY” was the gist of most of the texts, despite the fact that an hour ago the same people were rooting for us to be together.

One of my other friends happened to be out for a smoke, so I went to meet her. A roller coaster of emotions flooded through me as I walked to her, but by the time I reached her I was laughing.

“He’s a fool! I can do better than him.”

“I’m glad you’re laughing, that’s always good. I thought that you were way too good for him. I’m glad you can start seeing that now,” she said.

But I didn’t see that for a while. I still held on to the possibility that he might wake up and realize what a mistake he made and beg to take me back. One of my best friends at the time warned me that I couldn’t hold my breath for it, and that I should just move on.

So I went to Spotify and perused for “breakup songs” even though this wasn’t a breakup. Suddenly I came across Anberlin again, remembering how well they used to speak to me. “Naïve Orleans” came up, and I started listening to it over and over and over again. I needed to move on, and the song gave me the space to start doing so.

“And I finally found that life goes on without you, and my world still turns when you’re not around.”

I took off the rose-tinted glasses and finally started seeing all of the red flags. He was so overly obsessed with his work that it almost seemed like he had lost touch with reality. 97 percent of our conversations were about movies and the only way he knew how to live was through comparisons to movies. Whenever someone had a different opinion than him, he would bash them for having it and became bitter if he couldn’t change their mind. He also reeked of pretentiousness, and I couldn’t believe I hadn’t noticed these things before.

I had spent way too much time on a guy I knew deep down didn’t reciprocate my feelings but I ended up lying to myself and had my fingers crossed so tightly for him. Thank goodness I had saved myself from some major heartbreak if we did start dating.

If he didn’t notice how good I would’ve been to him, I didn’t need to waste my time convincing him otherwise. I had a feeling that a knight in shining armor was going to sweep me off my feet and make my world turn again, and he would never make me want to cry.

The Last Crush I Would Cry Over

Almost exactly a year later I found myself crying about a person I couldn’t change.

I had woken up from a party the night before, all the memories still lingering on my mind. I felt a knife in my stomach that didn’t want to go away. He was warmer and more energetic with me, but he still went home with her.

I was so convinced he would feel the same way. I thought he was different because of how loving he was towards everyone and he such a passion and energy that was unlike anything I had seen before. He always stopped to give me hugs when we saw each other, even if he was with other people, and our conversations were always so uplifting.

“I’m so mad you didn’t say more to him,” my friend’s drunken voice rang in my head.

I ordered Chinese takeout and ate slowly, eyes dead as ever. Around noon I laid on the couch to go back to sleep and didn’t wake up for the next six hours. I refused to face the day, and I was so crushed that yet another guy didn’t feel the same way about me. I thought it meant that I wasn’t good enough or that there was something wrong with me.

When I finally decided to get up, I still felt worthless. I headed outside, unready to breathe in the fresh air and the gorgeous weather. I walked with my head down, eyes still drained from all the crying. A really good friend of mine was driving by, windows open. “Are you OK, Julie?” he asked.

I covered my face, shaking my head, the tears returned. He backed his car up when I noticed a friend of his was with him. “Get in. I’m going to take you somewhere that can get you away from all of this.”

He didn’t ask questions, he let my cry in the backseat until we got to the movie theater. He told me he would cover for my ticket, and while I didn’t have to tell him what was going on now that I definitely should later.

When we got back to my place, we talked until 2 AM.

“Why her? She’s such a bitch but he’s so sweet and gentle.”

“Well, as someone with a soft personality who used to date someone with an aggressive personality, I can see where he’s coming from. It’s a really complicated situation to be in, trust me.”

“That’s a good point. I guess I just wouldn’t know.”

“But you know his girlfriend and him are a ticking time bomb, right? Maybe wait it out, get to know him more. See what happens. Because you’re either going to get him or move on. There are other guys out there.”

As I heard the words “move on,” I immediately thought of “Naïve Orleans” again. This time, I didn’t want to listen to the song. I didn’t want to accept a world without this unrequited love of mine, because I wanted him more than anything and didn’t believe I could find anyone else like him. So instead of listening to my instincts of moving on, I did my best to spend more time with him, especially after they broke up.

All of the times we hung out, smoking or drinking (or both) was involved. I hardly remember if there had been an occurrence we spent time together sober. By the end of the summer, I suddenly saw him less.

A month went by and I finally ran into him, but he wasn’t as warm as I remembered. He barely even gave me a glance when I tried to make conversation with him. Every other time I ran into him, he was always angry at something and would outwardly yell at everyone who was around him. It started to scare me.

On Halloweekend, I got insanely drunk and saw him leave the party we both happened to be at with another girl. My first thought was to be upset until I looked at everyone who surrounded me. I had some of the best friends that anyone could ask for who had always been there for me, and that was all I genuinely needed.

“You know what?” I said to one of my closest friends. “Fuck him. I don’t need him. I am doing fantastic without him.”

Yeah, I fell for yet another a tall, lanky boy who gave the most perfect hugs and had a way with words. You think I would've learned, but his intense brown eyes and thousand-watt smile made me weak in the knees. It was hard not to be drawn to him.

But I didn’t need some guy who wasn’t going to give me the time of day and had stopped treating as good as he used to. I had already had an amazing circle of love and support who took me as I am, flaws and all, and weren’t going to switch up on me out of nowhere. And if I could attract a group as incredible as they were, I sure as hell must be too.

When I got home, I immediately played “Naïve Orleans” to sleep.

“And I finally found that life goes on without you, and my world still turns when you’re not around.”

My life would be amazing even if he wasn’t there. After all, my world was still spinning.

Learning to Love Myself

I came to realize that it wasn't just my inability to move on that was my most unredeemable quality, but rather how much value I put in what others thought of me. For years I was so bitter about being single, especially in the past year when I saw all my close friends getting into serious relationships and all of my childhood friends getting engaged. When was it going to be my turn to get a fairytale ending?

I complained to multiple people about my bad luck with relationships, when someone asked me: "When are you going to start seeing the amazing person you are and love yourself for once?"

I burst into tears. I didn't know how to, I didn't know it was possible.

We dug into the psyche of why I was feeling that I had to have someone to validate who I am. A sense of self doubt had always been in the back of my mind because of the uneasiness that I used to come home to every day, but I was so brave and fought it every day. Now that I'm an adult and am away from all of it, I have the choice to come to know who I am and make my life better.

I needed to start taking those first steps of unwinding the cycle so I could finally reach the perspective of myself that I deserve.

My first step was to remind myself that I'm incredible by getting to know myself better. I came to love getting coffee at a local coffee shop, hogging the wifi, and just sitting down with my laptop, journal, and a good book. While at first I felt anxious about what people were going think about me being by myself, I realized that they were all too preoccupied to be obsessing over how I looked. The more time I spent time with myself, the more I realized that I was the best company I could keep.

I continued to take myself out on dates, mostly coffee ones, but I also decided to go further and really treat myself by going out on shopping sprees. I started learning about myself more and really observing who I was, and the discoveries that came about made me really happy with who I am. While many people can't bear to go out alone, I no longer needed to wait on other people to have fun and became more independent than I already was. I noticed how thoughtful and observant I was as I carefully picked out a Valentine’s Day card for my mom. As I focused for several hours at time working on a script independent of any schoolwork, I appreciated my diligent and hardworking attitude and how focused and passionate I was about the script. When a friend reached out to me in distress, I realized how loyal and caring I am to the people in my life.

As I began to fall in love with myself, I felt so much happier and became so at peace with myself. I am the only person who has been there for me and understands me like no other. I didn't need anyone else to tell me that. I put a daily reminder in my phone “I AM LOVED, I AM WANTED, I AM ENOUGH.”

I no longer need the validation of others, and I have never felt so liberated in my life.

I have finally found that life goes on without you, or him, or my dad, and my world sure as hell still turns when they are not around.