Don't Be An Idiot Like Me: Part Two

What's up, it's Annie.

That's a pic of me and my best friend on her graduation. I was so proud of her and was excited to she her graduate. She's like the little sister I never got, her littler brother and sister treat me like a big sister and I treat them like the little demons they are.

My best friend, Jessica, is the constant reminder that I just might not die alone. She my look normal on the outside, but let me tell you that she is one weird cookie (Not that I'm not weird, I'm just saying... even I can recognize her weirdness). She has a crude sense of humor, does awkward things and can belch like a man (Okay I'm kind of jealous on that last part) and she's been dating my friend Shiv for about a year now.

Shiv is a fluffy Indian and he's as weird as she is, but he's smart. He has a 4.0 and I'm one proud Mama (Shiv started calling me Mom after I would give him girl advice). I was friends with Shiv for about three months, maybe more, before I introduced him to my best friend. See, the idea was that he would set me up on some dates and Jessica would be his date... Well, fate is a bitch. Shiv fell hard for my best friend and my best friend just got out of a bad relationship (That's a whole other conversation within itself). Jessica wasn't sure if she wanted to start a relationship, but she did think he was pretty funny.

For about a month I've been trying to get these two kids to meet each other because all they did now was talk over Instagram. Well, here comes New Years Eve and I finally was able to get them to meet each other. I'm expecting Jessica to say something witty or cute to him, something I will be able to say proudly when I have to recall the first time they met for their wedding. But what does this bitch do? She had to ruin the whole thing because she is literally one of the most awkward people I have ever met... She screams at him, "I learned how to cut a tomato!"

What? How am I supposed to make "I learned how to cut a tomato" into a romantic first meeting? I guess I could explain to the audience how much of a fucking idiot my best friend is and lead from there, it would tie into... her whole life. But, I guess it worked because she and Shiv are looking at engagement rings and I am already working on my Maid of Honor speeches.

I swear if I have to go to their wedding stag? I might hurt someone. Actually, not just someone, I'll hurt Shiv because that jerk was supposed to set me up on dates... but that bitch hasn't hooked me up once. For such a smart guy? He's a real idiot (No, really. I saw him once sniff a cotton ball drench in nail polish remover because he was curious what it smelled like, then laughed my ass off as he hold his nose in pain).

You know, now that I think about it? I'm pretty sure that he didn't introduce to me to anyone because he was holding onto the hope that me and our friend, Parker, would get together.

Parker is that guy friend that everyone thinks you should marry, but you don't want to because, well to be frank, he wasn't that good looking and there were times that I wanted to throw my shoes at him. Did we try once? Yeah, we tried to have a relationship, but I quickly realized that we would never work out. I was a person that wanted someone to argue back and he was a push over... I don't know why Shiv thought that we would be a good couple because if he took a second look at us? He would have rethought that process.

God, I really hope I find someone soon because I hate being single. But, there are upsides to being single... okay, that's a load of bullshit, there isn't anything really amazing about being single in a town who literally 60% of the population is either married or already in a relationship. Then there is the fact that the 40% that is single? More than half are women, which makes it like the freaking Hunger Games to catch yourself a man.

What's worse is when your friend or roommate gets into a relationship because they make it a huge deal. They will parade their newly caught boyfriend around the apartment, making sure that everyone else has the undying need to punch her in the face before the night is over. Don't get me started if they actually get engaged. They will wear that ring like it was given to them by Jesus Christ himself, saying "I can't believe they chose me!" Okay, Harry Potter, you aren't the "chosen" one, your just the first girl this poor dude could tolerate.

Heaven forbid that some single guy tries to talk to the newly engaged Harry Potter! I pretty sure the poor guy would be smack so hard with the sparkle of that diamond that he will have a bruise for a week.

Moral of the story? Don't be an idiot like me and introduce your two best friends to each other with the hopes that they will hook up with a date or two and definitely don't go to a school who has more married couples than they have singles because it fucking sucks.