Don't Tell Me Who to Be!

People say that I am difficult. I have been told this ever since I was a child, and in every single relationship that I have. I find this interesting, because every time I have a bad mood, speak my mind, or get a little worked up, it is attributed to the mental health problems I was diagnosed with, or me being nasty. However, when others do this to me, then I am supposed to sit silently and accept it. If I speak out against it, then I am deemed "mentally ill." This has happened across most of my relationships, but how much of that is because we have been incompatible? And how much of it, is down to the fact that I attract all the wrong people.

Now, let me tell you another side of me, that I get told I am difficult for. I am not like older women my age, I am 42, but personality-wise, I am slightly younger and looks-wise I naturally do not look my age, with or without makeup. I have many hobbies that revolve around the arts, most of them from when I was school age that I never grew out of. I can dance and sing all night, I love a massive amount of singers, bands, and television personalities, I read lots of books, and I am a massive fan of one particular singer who I have comically been told I have a crush on. However, for me, if I like a person's particular songs, books, or acting, I like to find out more about them, and I build a collection of work by that person, do my reading, and collect pictures. I admit, I do idolise this person in a really big way, and I have a lot of affection for what he does, but please tell me, is there anyone who hasn't crushed on a singer, actor, or a particular person in the entertainment industry? Or even thought, "Wow! we have a lot of tastes that are the same." These are my hobbies, and writing is part of my career, while singing is something I recently went back to training in. These are things I have been into since I was a child, and they are very obvious before any person gets involved with me.

Now for the other side of me. I can be messy, scatter-brained, forgetful, and clumsy. How this makes me difficult I do not know, because I also know many who are like me, usually those who are telling me that I'm difficult in the first place. I also have learning delay and dyscalculia. What is ironic, is that I am treated like everyone else until someone becomes intimate with me and learns about my issues, then I am made to feel bad about myself. I try not to tolerate this though, because I also have many talents, singing, writing stories, cooking, dancing—even though I have a physical problem that limits me from doing moves such as high kicks or splits—and poetry. I am also very independent, even if I am limited by dyscalculia which is a problem with numbers, and no! That does not make me "ridiculous" as I often get told.

My point in this article is, nobody is "all good or all bad." We were all born with many different colours in our personalities, and I would rather have someone be in love with me for who I am, rather than wear a mask. I do not wish to be someone who feels they have to be above everyone or have a very slim (I am average with a small mummy tummy) figure. I'd rather be a person, flawed, messy, or not. How does this make me difficult? I really don't know? All I know is that when you love somebody, your supposed to love them for who they are and support them in doing things that make them feel more confident and help towards their future goals. As my gran once told me, "Love and friendship is about communication, accepting flaws, and being there for that person. It is not about putting them down, making them feel worthless and destroying them. True love is not meant to hurt another human being."